Letting go..

When I am deciding what to type while giving advice, I am sometimes unable to effectively put into words what it is I want to say. It’s through living life and having my own experiences that I find the words that I need to say.

That said, Stella from Minneapolis wrote:

I need your help. A friend recommended I see this site after she helped me through a breakup. I have found alot of good advice here, and I appreciate that you’re willing to do something like this, but I’ve got another issue that maybe you can help me with.

My breakup ended about three months ago and I joined a dating site to “get back out there”. I am really enjoying emailing people and getting to know them, but when I am asked on a date, I usually end up canceling the date out of pure fear. It’s like something inside just feels wrong. I used to chalk it up to being nervous, but it’s happening more and more. My friends and I think it’s just a fear of people not liking me. What do I do?

Stella

Stella,

I agree with you and your friends, but it seems there is more than that. If the fear is of people not liking you, let me pose things this way, what if they do? What if all of the people that you’ve asked out or have asked you out really have gotten to like you through communicating and are just waiting to meet you in person to get to know you further?

By the time the date is near, the hardest part has already happened. You (or they) have set up the date. That is usually the most difficult part to initiate. From this point on, what do you have to lose? You’re going to get to know someone, hopefully have some laughs and a fun time, and either things will work, or they won’t. It’s not the end of the world if things don’t work either. You’ll never find anything out if you don’t try.

The reason I think there is more to this than you and your friends believe, is because I am getting the feeling that you aren’t fully “over” your ex. Letting go is a difficult thing to do, but if you keep hanging on, you won’t move on. If this has been an on again and off again relationship that you were in, then chance are, you keep getting sucked back in and that is the fear you’ve developed…the fear of getting to know someone, developing feelings for them, then getting sucked back in to the relationship you’ve ended time and time again.

I want you to email me back with more info.

Sean

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