I like your blog and find myself reading it two or three times a week. I really find it interesting that people feel so comfortable being so open with a total stranger, so I am trying it myself.
I think I have an eating disorder or something. I was an overweight kid (my mom bought whatever snack was cheapest-needless to say it was usually twinkies or little debbie) and really didn’t serve healthy meals. Once I started getting made fun of for being overweight, I became self conscious about working out.
So years ago, after a painful breakup, I decided to do something about my weight. I started working out, eating healthy, and watching my portions, and it worked-the ponds slid right off. I looked fantastic. Unfortunately, it’s consumed my life. I am always weighing my food portions to make sure I always eat the right amount, I will drive miles out of the way to get the right foods that I’ve planned to eat, and it’s killed my social life because I don’t drink or eat any restaurant foods, so I feel strange just sitting there with my friends all having a good time. I feel as if they’re just humoring me by having me there, while knowing I can’t eat their food. I am getting depressed.
What do I do? I love how I look, but hate how I feel.
Jake, have you heard of BDD? Body Dismorphic Disorder is still a rare (but becoming more common) disease in which the person is “hyper critical” of their appearance. People with this disorder are usually already attractive individuals, but feel as if there are parts of their body that are grossly unattractive. The reason I ask if you’ve heard of it, is that you’ve explained some of the symptoms, which are:
1 Anxiety- You drive miles out of the way to pick up foods for your plan? Do you get anxious if you can’t strictly follow this plan? All healthy plans give room for relaxed eating.
2 Obsessive thoughts about appearance- you used the phrase “LOOKED fantastic” as if you no longer look fantastic..
3 Feeling self conscious in social settings- you’d mentioned your friends mocking you for not eating their food.
4 Depression- You said flat out that this behavior was making you depressed.
I’d talk with a therapist to see if they make the same connection. If so, there are treatments available and most include raising the serotonin level in your brain through medication.
This is a dangerous disorder, so take my advice to see a therapist seriously. Good luck.