Stages…and Stereos..

So I was having a one of a kind conversation with a friend of mine today and discussing the different stages in a relationship. We were raised in the midwest and have both come to the conclusion that, though the East and West Coast may throw a few subdivisions in there or call things by different names, it’s all pretty much the same mess nationwide. Here are the stages we came up with.

1. Talking- Whether its in email, person, or by phone, there is the initial talking phase in which both sexes will try like hell to wedge themselves into the consciousness of the person they are interested in. It usually involves asking questions about where the person is from, what they do, what they want from life, and a few other questions. During this phase, if you’re a woman, you can really give whatever answer you want, the guy is mainly staring at your chest and imagining you naked. If you’re a guy, make sure you give an answer that will not come back and bite you in the ass. The woman you’re interested in will use it against you even after you break up.

2. First date- This is where both parties dress themselves up in an attempt to show the other person what they would look like if they could date and never live together. First dates rarely involve a woman going to a guy’s house to brush her teeth while he pees sitting down with the door open. Reality is still out of reach, and blissfully so. Have fun. Women, the guy is still picturing you naked. Wear granny panties and throw him off. Guys, she’s wearing granny panties. Be careful, she may be trying to throw you off.

3. Seeing each other- This is the half-step between being single and dating. Both parties are willingly committed to the other one, but are not officially committed. If one wants to see other people, he/she should let the other person know- especially if the guy you’re seeing is on his way over and Pablo the gardener from next door is still showering in your bathroom. It’s at this point that women usually stop shaving their legs for a few days at a time, mainly to see if the guy will stick around. It’s also at this time that guys start farting in the girl’s bed when she gets up to use the restroom. That candle isn’t him being romantic..it’s masking the stink.

4. Dating- Once you’ve been seeing each other long enough to scare off the other single people, you make things official and are dating. Terms of boyfriend and girlfriend are used in this stage. Butternuts and Squishmuffin should NOT be used in this stage. In fact, they should only be used in the 7th level of Hell. No pet names should be allowed. Women in this stage will almost always stop shaving altogether and men will fart openly, and pee with the bathroom door open.

5. Engagement- In this stage, women will usually start complaining about the guy’s music preferences and fashion sense. Men will start to complain, but be verbally smacked down by their fiancee. Let’s face it..dating gets boring and to spice things up, engagement is added as a half-step between dating and marriage. It’s added only because it means a savings account is being filled in anticipation of an engagement ring..or a quick breakup and a guy’s weekend in Vegas that will go down in history as the greatest party ever.

6. Marriage- Assuming the Vegas trip wasn’t an option, guys will often decide to “take the plunge” and get married to their love of their life (i.e., the woman that can actually stand their pleas for late night sex). Before the wedding, both parties. Guys will throw a bachelor party that will be planned as wild but actually be about as fun as watching soft core porn on Cinemax, while the bachelorette party will be something that would make a pornstar blush. Don’t ask questions if your fiancee comes back with a slap rash across her forehead in the shape of a penis. It’s way bigger than yours..don’t go there.

After the parties have gone off and both parties have made up good back stories, they get married. Women start farting openly, grow leg hair that would rival a bear, and want to have sex with the lights off. Men stop shaving, start crapping with the door open, and spend most of their time remembering the last time their wife had sex with the lights on.

Bliss.

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