Sheep in skunk’s clothing

GTO314 wrote:

So I am having an issue with this girl I’ve been dating.  She is a REALLY bad communicator and when I try to talk about it, she accuses me of being insecure.  Here’s the deal:

She and I were dating for about 6 months when she all of a sudden developed this friendship with this guy she worked with.  He’s married.  We all went out and they just basically shut me out of the conversation the whole night.  I didn’t take offense, since I don’t really know the work people they were discussing.  Then, she started hanging out with him more and more often, and getting text messages from him all hours of the night.  They didn’t seem to be anything sexual or flirty, just texts asking her to go out and get drinks.  I started to be bothered by this and told her how I felt.  She said it was nothing and that I had nothing to worry about.  THEN, she started “doing some shopping” or “running errands” after work and coming home four hours later.  I’d ask her where she’d been (it’s only polite that if you’re running late that you call) and she’d say things like, “Oh, I was at the grocery store and bumped into XXX (insert that guy’s name there), so we went and hung out for a bit.”  I started to get upset by this and when I confronted her, she said she didn’t need to tell me where she was or where she would be going, and told me that she hated the fact that I was insecure about her friendship with XXX.  We’ve had this argument several times now and I am at the end of my rope.


This is one of my biggest pet peeves.  You don’t seem insecure (other than that by putting XXX for the guy’s name, you appear to be thinking they may be having sex), but your girlfriend seems to think that by not being open and honest with you, YOU’RE the one with the problem.  She is the one with the problem GTO, not you.  Let’s talk about respect:
1.  Do you need to tell your BF/GF any and every detail of your day?  No.  Is it respectful to tell them if you’ll be home late?  Yes.
2.  If you’re hanging out with your BF/GF and they get a text or phone call, is it respectful for them to say something like, “Oh that was so-and-so.”  Yes.  Should they get up and run out of the room, phone in hand?  No.
3.  Is it okay to be running errands and knowlingly make plans to hang out with a guy that seems to have caused communication problems in the past?  Absolutely not.  If she respected you as an equal in the relationship, she needs to understand that the right thing to do would be to at least call you and let you know.

It’s not insecurity at all.  This woman seems to have a twisted reality. At least you recognized her poor communication skills.  I personally think there is more to this story that either you haven’t told me or that you have yet to discover.  When that time comes, write again.  Good luck.