Is there a such thing as a “civil” war?  When you think about it, there isn’t a single thing civil about war.  People die, people they get maimed, and they lose their houses is monumentally horrifying ways.  Lives are ended, relationships are broken, and love is..lost.  When it comes to relationships, is a “civil” war ever a good idea?

In relationships, the couple will often make friends with other couples or bring their significant other into an existing circle of friends.  Often times, when that relationship ends, the recommendation is to “be friends”, but it rarely works.  Why?  Because wars aren’t civil and the ending of a relationship shouldn’t be either.  I am not saying we should be at each others’ throats when things go down, but as much as we hope we can fart unicorns and burp daisies at the end of a relationship, it usually breaks down due to the pressure of being friends in order to be a part of the friendships that were formed during the “together times”.

I was talking to a friend the other day that is facing this exact issue after breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years.  Here is a rough outline of our conversation:

Her: It’s SO hard, you know?  I want to see everyone and don’t want to be “the one that disappears” (she throws up finger quotes), but it’s rough to try to be happy and pretend that we don’t have all of this history.

Me: What’s the biggest issue you are experiencing?

Her: It’s that “elephant in the room” (she throws up finger quotes again) thing-

Me: (Cutting her off)  Are you sure he just wasn’t sick of finger quotes?

She laughed and continued

Her: I just hate being in the room with him because I am not over him.  I can talk with him, but even if he just hits me on the arm playfully, I want to jump him and kiss him and tell him I think we should still try to work things out, but I know that’ll never happen.

Me: ..because he’s moved on?

Her: Yeah, he was over it long before we broke up.  God forbid if he ever brings another woman around our friends.  I’d stab the bitch.

(She chuckled so I just assume she was joking).

Me: So what now?

Her: I guess I have to do the split custody thing.  You know, where I see the friends one day and he sees them another.  It’s probably best that way.  I think- I THINK it’s better that way.

Me: This kind of thing isn’t easy.  Those who use the line “let’s be friends” are either lying, sadistic bastards or they’ve never broken up with someone they want to be friends with.  It’s okay to not like each other for awhile.  It’s damn healthy in fact.  It’s a part of letting go.  I think you’re doing the right thing.

The word civil should be tossed our of the phrase civil war, break ups should include a period of not talking to and not seeing the person you ideally hope to maintain some sort of friendship with.  It doesn’t always work that way, but here’s to hoping.



23 in 93

Stacy wrote:

I read your song posts about the 90’s and I have to say, it was an amazing decade for music.  I was 23 in 93.  The early 90’s had horrible fashion in the hip-hop world, so I didn’t really get into that music strictly because the artists looked ridiculous.  I feel in love with Sarah McLachlan as well in 1994, however (just like you), and it changed the landscape of my music forever.  I still remember laying up in my room in summer, windows open, my headphones on, and just zoning out to the simple, elegant beauty of  “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”.  It was magnificent.  It opened my eyes to the world of female fronted alternative music and it opened my eyes to First Avenue.

Growing up in Minneapolis in the 90’s was a blast.  We had great radio, great concerts, and some really good bars.  Not to say that there aren’t good bars now, but MAN there were good bars back in the 90’s, especially in downtown Minneapolis (which I now consider Clubville).  True, the seedy nature of porn and prostitutes that downtown Minneapolis was known for throughout the 80’s is gone, but it’s only been replaced by the seedy wanna-be prostitution of a few hundred slutty women prancing around from club to club.  I’d bet many people don’t even remember what was sitting where Block E is now.  I hated going down there..except for First Ave.  THAT was my Mecca for live music.  I was young and had a crappy job and apartment, so I escaped through concerts.  I saw Cyndi Lauper in 1993 along with the Jayhawks the same year, Tool in 1994, Veruca Salt in 1994, Milla Jojovich in 1994 (yes, she can sing too!), Minnesota legends Soul Coughing and Semisonic in 1995 (I think), and I even saw Modest Mouse there…in 1997.  I never saw Sarah McLachlan there.  I saw her at three other venues, but was always out of town when she was coming to the Cities.

You’re right in saying Minneapolis’s night life has declined over the years (with the exception of the Nicollet Mall area and NE Mpls).  It’s become a sea of lame dance clubs and “urban bars”, and lost it’s edge.  Then again, most of the people I grew up with now have families and live in the burbs, so it’s understandable.  Our radio has changed from edgy and fun alternative to overplayed lame-rock, and Cities 97 never quite got the right idea about alternative. First Avenue remains though, and despite it’s hardships, has proven itself as a beacon for music lovers everywhere.

Thank you for posting your 90’s post Sean.  It brought back some amazing memories, and a fire for my love of music.


Thank YOU Stacy for providing us with that really cool recap of what it was like in Minneapolis in the 90’s.  I am sure more of you have stories too.  Feel free to share.