So I am in a huge mess that I need to figure out and I am hoping you can shed some light on things. I am an attractive 33 year old guy that has always been hetero. I joined a dating site awhile ago and met this woman who sai her name was Brandy. She lived near by me, so I emailed her. The only problem was that she had no pictures up and I don’t usually talk to people with only one (or no) picture up. Brandy emailed back almost instantly and we got to chatting. Back and forth, back and forth, for over an hour. She was a really interesting person and I liked everything she had to say. She also had a TON in common with me. She was a sports fanatic, loved the same teams I did, had a hunting dog, and loved to be outdoors. I asked her for a picture a few times over the three weeks that followed, but she declined and told me she was still new to the whole dating thing and wanted to give it time to get to know me before she’d feel ok sending a pic. I thought she seemed fantastic and really liked talking to her so I said it was okay.
Those three weeks went by and we had developed some feelings for each other. Every single day we’d begun talking on the phone. We’d have these GREAT conversations while watching football games on TV or laying in bed. She was at her place and I at mine, but we’d talk and laugh and cheer. It was perfect. I thought about her all of the time.
A few days ago, she finally said that she wanted to see me, so we set up a date. I have never been so excited in my life! I was So nervous that day and I asked her again for a picture so I knew what she looked like since we were going to meet somewhere. The picture I got was of a transsexual. It was a woman with a suspicious bulge down below. I called her immediately and kind of freaked out. She started crying and apologizing for not telling me earlier, and swore that she was having the operation to have it removed in the next few months, but this is a big deal for me. I’ve never been gay and I am definitely not into guys, but I like this girl-REALLY like this girl, who happens to be a guy. What the hell do I do?
I think this is a tough issue..maybe the toughest one I’ve had to answer. I have the same motto with dating sites and would usually turn down any attempt by someone without a picture (or just one) to contact me. It’s just safer. I’ve also scrutinized pictures and revealed plenty of fakers out there. You can’t be to careful these days.
The challenge you are facing is one you got yourself into because you didn’t follow your own rules. Do you think you ever would have formed this emotional bond if you didn’t make any communication with this person? How about if she had shown that picture in her profile? It’s Fast Food syndrome. Fast Food syndrome is when you see a fast food ad and the food item looks SO delicious that you break down and go to get one, but when you open it up, it looks nothing like the picture from the ad. Fast Food marketers are gloriously good at making billions of people fall for that trick every day.
However, this isn’t a double Baconator we’re talking about here. (They have that now by the way. It haunts my dreams but I’m not falling for it.) This is a person, and a person that you’ve grown to care about. If it’s the whole “it’s a dude, dude” thing that scares you, then weigh your options and ask yourself what’s more important. The emotional connection or the physical. If you’re willing to talk about things with her and she can abstain from physical contact until you’re comfortable, you may find that things normalize after she’s had her surgery.
If that is hands down not an option, you’ll have to break it to her. If you do that, remember the connection you two have made, and let her go easy. You used some big caring words in your letter and I am guessing she feels the same way as you do about her.
Whatever decision you make, it’s yours. I’m not calling the shots on this one, you are. I just showed you both sides of the coin. Good luck.