Gatorade almost melted my mouth.

See this little black packet?  It’s no bigger than maybe three thumb widths.  It sells for under a dollar, is also almost melted my entire mouth. 

First off, I am not a fan of Gatorade because of the dependency that company has on filling their drinks with sugar and a crap load of empty calories.  Other than that, they’re cool..

Anyway, back to my story.  I was checking out their grossly overpriced and massively under nutritious new line of G1, G2, and G3 performance products, when this little packet caught my eye. 

It was tiny and lightweight, so I figured it would be a nice little packet to take along and use when I needed it.  I bought three. 

What you should use it for:  Mixing with water or gatorade and using to help your body keep electrolytes while working out.

What you should not use it for: Dumping directly into your mouth while walking in the Mall of America, thereby making it impossible to spit out and cough up.

The instructions on the back are tiny..and placed right next to the UPC, which is essentially the “No Man’s Land” of places people ever look on a package.  UPC?  Good.  I need that to buy it.  Next to UPC?  It could be a picture of someone’s ass and I wouldn’t even see it.  So, rather than reading the micro instructions and realizing I needed to mix this, I opened it up and dumped what I thought was pixi-stick like electrolytes into my mouth.

Nope.  No pixies here.  It’s sodium, as in salt, and a few other things.  Dumping that much sodium into your mouth is like shoving half a container of table salt in there.  Your taste buds feel like they’ve just caught fire and your throat is silently weeping for the armageddon that is to come.  It’s like that mom on Titanic who holds her kids when her cabin is knows.

I am not one to cause a scene.  I wanted to..I wanted to puke that stuff out of my mouth and drive to Gatorade headquarters (maybe fight off whatever star athelete was standing there when I got there), and drag a rep over to Mn to see what they made me do because of their teeny print.  However, I was raised in a household where one wouldn’t do something like that.  No matter how gross something was, we were always taught to just swallow whatever food we hated and move on, so I tried. 

Side note:  Don’t try what I am about to tell you.  It’s not fun.  It’s just not.

I tried to swallow the salt pile in my mouth unsuccessfully, but I was gagging so badly that I thought I may projectile vomit on some child in the Best Buy rotunda…then THEY’D have to deal with my salt pile, because let’s face it, that pile was going to be around forever.  I then ran to a vending machine and bought a water (completely forgetting I’d just purchased a good supply of protein water from GNC) and chugged it.  I mean like messy chugging..where it gets all over your neck and clothing, but you can’t help yourself because your mouth skin hurts.

I felt like I’d just swallowed 20 ounces of ocean.  Not the bad oily part, just the regular salty part.  It was absolutely nasty.  Other than my taste buds completely assploding inside my mouth and a salt burn on my mouth skin that may require some medical attention, it was over.  Lesson learned. 

So you may be glancing back at the pic at the top and thinking, “But Sean, I see that it says “mix” on the front.” 

It does.  I thought it was like a fruity mouth mix.

You may be thinking, “But Sean, I would have still read the back of the packet.”

Good for you.  You’re better than 99% of the rest of us.

You may be thinking, “Why didn’t you find a garbage can and spit it out?”

Because, you’re a genius and I am not.  You read packets and I just run through the mall trying not to vomit out that packets’ contents. 

Get it touch Gatorade.  I have this great idea for a mouth mix.  In the meantime, everyone else just stay the hell away from that crap.  Unless you have a water or Gatorade handy to mix it with.