Man Law

Man Law is a set of guidelines men follow that are set in place to govern behavior.  Though, like all laws, they eventually become outdated and must be revised.  I am proposing such revisions below (as well as a few new man laws):

Urinals- Man law states that unless the restroom is full, you must leave an empty urinal between you and the next guy.  This law should also be revised to state that unless you have entered the restroom at the same time as your best friend (man law #603 states men do not go to the restroom together, they just end up getting there at the same time), you are not allowed to have any conversation while standing at the urinal.

Phone numbers- Man law states that a man cannot call a woman until 3 days after he has been given her phone number.  Law should be revised to state that due to the increasingly “need it now” conversation that cell phones have brought, a man may call her the next day if his friends believe said woman is “hot enough” or the man gets drunk after getting her number and sleeps with said woman.  Calling more than two times in one day without a callback is also prohibited.

Karaoke-Man law strictly prohibits the singing of any karaoke, but should be revised to state that all non-slow songs by Journey, Metallica, Bob Seger, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, or the like is acceptable.  Singing Maroon 5, Nickelback, disco, or any female fronted band’s song is instant revocation of your man card and may result in a kick in the balls.

Kicking in the balls-Men may ONLY kick another man in the balls if they are in a lopsided fight, a man has violated the karaoke man law, or due to accidental circumstances, at which case kicker must then buy kickee a beer immediately following the incident.

Sports talk-Man law has always stated that sports talk is acceptable around other men.  It should be revised to state that sports talk is never acceptable on a date unless your date is also into sports, or is a dude.

Shorts-Man law has always prohibited the wearing of short shorts.  Man law should also be revised to ban the wearing of jean shorts, tight shorts, pink shorts, or shorts your wife or girlfriend picked out.

Wing Man-Man law has always required the repayment of wing man duties if you had your friend entertain an “ugly one” while you went for the “hot one”.  Man law should also be revised to state that in addition to repayment at a future date, the man with the “hot one” should also be buying drinks for the entire party for the duration of the evening.  Dick.

Disagreements-Man law has introduced a global disagreement resolution to keep warring countries out of war.  The first resolution step is a “best two of three” game of paper, rock, scissors.  If resolution cannot be resolved, the person who initially brought up the disagreement may “Google it” to find the answer.  If the answer does not appear on Google, the disagreement is deemed void and does not exist.

Shotgun-Man law states that whoever calls shotgun within visual distance of the vehicle gets it.  Man law shall now also be revised to state that if there is a female present that is deemed “a hottie” by the group, she automatically gets shotgun if so desired.  If there are two “hotties”, they both get passenger side seating.

Jeans-Man law strictly prohibits the wearing of tight jeans unless the wearer is in a rodeo event or roping cattle.  Man law should also be ammended to state that any man wearing the so-called “skinny jeans” is automatically subject to permanent man card revocation.  This law also applies to homosexuals.

Misc Fashion-Man law should post addendums to male fashion laws stating that under no circimstances is it acceptable for a man to:
          a.  Wear a pink shirt.
          b.  Pop his collar.
          c.  Wear any sock with sandals.
          d.  Wear a fanny pack.
          e.  Wear a Tapout shirt unless they have made someone tapout.
           f.  Wear Guido hair.

Nutrition-Man law should be revised to state that unless it is a “religious thing”, no man shall ever give up a chance to eat bacon.  Ever.

Beer-Man law should be revised to state that while drinking at a bar, a man must first order a beer of “non-piss water” quality, then move on to other drinks if he so desires.  Drinking any drink with fruit chunks in it or an umbrella on it is strictly prohibited. 

Bars-Man law has never governed bars, but shall hereforth state that men are encouraged to only to go bars instead of clubs, but if a man finds himself lost in a club while looking for a bar, he may not dance.. and must have a beer (read: BEER) in hand at all times.  The only club men are encouraged to visit are clubs with the words “strip” or “gentleman’s” before the word club.

Massages-Man law has also never governed massages but will now state that men are allowed to give massages to their wives and girlfriends, but if he is not “getting any”, he may also fall asleep 10 minutes into it because he is not getting repayment for services rendered.  Men may not receive any massages.

Deodorant-Man law states that under no circumstances may a man wear his girlfriend’s deodorant.  Let man law also state from this point forward that men must always wear deodorant.  Smelling like hot feet and dirty butt cheeks is not any way to pick up the ladies.

Shoes-Man law will now state that men may not wear tennis shoes with jeans unless they are on the way to pick up beer, on the way to the gym, or when running from an angry spouse.

Boobs-Man law will state that men may not make loud comments about the breast size of a woman unless:
           a.  Woman is not in hearing distance.
           b.  Man does not have spouse around.
           c.  Other hot women are not around.
           d.  They are outside of church.
           e.  The boobs are put on display for them.

Whistling- Man law will be revised to state that a man may not whistle or cat call a woman.  Whistling at a woman is only allowed when your dog is next to her or if you are saving her from impending doom.

Walks- A man may only go on a walk if he:
           a.  Is in the woods and carries a stick to “hit stuff”.
           b.  Has been hit by a pitch.
           c.  With his children.
           d.  With his wife.
Girlfriends do not automatically make a walk acceptable.  The hotness of the girlfriend must be pre-determined in order to make the walk acceptable.  Those falling below a 7 by other guys’ standards do not qualify for a walk.

Bathroom storage- Man law shall now state that a man may allowed a supply of hygeine products for use in his bathroom.  He may under no circumstances have more product than his girlfriend or wife, and the products must smell like wood or leather.  Fruity smells are not allowed.
So there is the man law revision for 2010.  As mankind changes, more alterations will be made..hopefully bettering the quality of man in this world one guy at a time.

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