After getting over two dozen requests, I’ve decided to post another installment of random letters I get. Some are most likely fake, some are weird, and some made me chuckle. Rather than answer them one by one, I’ve posted my responses in bold below each one. Here we go:
Do you know the fastest way from LA to Wichita? I met a girl and want to get there quickly.
Do you have a spacecraft or transporter? No? Then the fastest way is still a jet…as it has been for 50+ years.
Why don’t you date the people that write in to you? I’d date ya, that’s for sure. I think it’d make for a great new part of your blog where you write about people you date.
This is a two part answer. I don’t date people that write in to my blog, because I think it’s crossing a line that doesn’t need to be crossed. As far as posting my dating adventures, I’d rather not. I think it may lead to people wanting to date me just to see what I’d write.
Do you have any pictures you can send me? I think you’re handsome. I like your mouth.
Um, no. There are pictures I have here on the blog, but that’s all you’re getting. Thanks for the compliment…but your last sentence made me think of the movie Deliverance.
Another Anonymous wrote:
If I see you in public, can I come up and say hi? I think I saw you having beer the other night. I wanted to say hi, but I didn’t want to make you mad.
Sure, you can say hi. I always say life is about connections. If I am eating, make sure I am done chewing. I don’t want to spit cheeseburger all over your clothes as I try to greet you. Don’t talk to me if I am standing at a urinal. Man code violation, and messy if I turn to shake your hand.
Have you ever thought about doing a public forum or a talk show? I’d sure as hell listen..
Trust me. I’d love to do a talk show or a radio show. Unfortunately, I am not moving to the coast anytime soon and I doubt any station here in the midwest has the balls to put me on again. For those of you that don’t know, I was a radio DJ for one of the greatest alternative stations that ever lived from 2002 to 2008.
Did you go to school for this? You’re damn good.
I went to school, but not for this. This is all life lessons and just keen observation. Stay in school kids. Stay in school.
I listened to some of your bands. Depressing stuff man. How do you do it?
How do I listen? It’s pretty complicated, but it involves sound waves and your eardrum. It’s all scientific from there.
I really like some of the analogies you use. Where do you come up with them?
Dana Carvey’s Ross Perot skits from 80-90’s SNL were a good reason I started thinking of them. I had a handful by the time I was 14, and now I can just generate them at will.
Emily Q wrote:
Any plans to come to Vermont anytime soon? I’d like to “run into you” in a bar. Just curious.
You want to run into me? In Vermont? Besides skiing and smoking tons of marijuana, what do people do there? “Yay, I am in Vermont. Nice hills. Look, there’s Canada.”
Do you ever get weird letters? I’d imagine you get some weird ones.
Yeah, I do. Which is why I post these from time to time, xxmindyxx. Your username reads like a billboard outside a strip club. Nice touch.
Do you like girls with tattoos or piercings? I am full of them.
I think that’s great that you love something that much that you want to cover yourself in it. Personally, I like bread pudding, but I don’t wear pants made of it. I am just giving you a hard time. Tattoos and piercings aren’t a turn on..but they aren’t bad either.
I found this really weird growth on my inner thigh and a rash that’s spreading from my belly button to all over my feet. I know you recommend therapy a lot, but I don’t think that’s going to help in my situation. Thanks a ton in advance.
Stop romping in poison oak. Problem solved.
So that’s what I’ve got for now. More to come…