Exes and Oh’s

Linda wrote:

Can people be friends with their ex’s?  I’ve always tried to state that fact when initiating a breakup, but either the guy gets mad and never talks to me again or they all end up trying something and attempting to come back into my life again because “they messed up.”  It’s ridiculuous.  When I break up with someone, it’s for good.  I don’t do FWB’s and I don’t take them back.  Why can’t guys just be friends?

Linda

Linda,
Exes can be great friends, but I wouldn’t expect to be able to hang out regularly with any of them.  I am polite with almost all of my ex-girlfriends and have chatted with many from time to time, but I don’t call them to go out for coffee dates, see movies, etc., because of the relationship that was once there.  Be friends, just not right away.  As far as hanging out with exes, I don’t do it or recommend it be done on a regular basis..especially if you’re in a new relationship.  It’s a disaster waiting to happen.  If you’re dating and actively hanging out with exes, things can get taken the wrong way, texting can be misinterpreted, and phone calls can lead to arguments.  If you’re single, it’s one thing.  If you’re dating, it’s best avoiding causing the discomfort with the person you’re dating.  It’s just a huge grey area that is too easily confused as something more than friendship.

I also believe that if you haven’t given enough time to move on from the relationship and let the emotional and physical detachment happen, you’ll always risk those awkward “I’m sorry, I want you back” moments.  Let things be for awhile and let both people move on with their lives.  Hopefully, if a friendship ever existed between you two, running into each other later shouldn’t be something you have to avoid.

Finally, if you’re pitching the “let’s be friends” as a part of the breakup, it can either come off as a shallow attempt at cushioning the blow (which is why they may be upset), or make you seem like you’re having trouble closing the door on the relationship.  Rule of thumb is to not say “let’s be friends” as a part of a break up.  End it for what it is and leave time to decide what happens, not the potential hope of becoming more than friends again someday.
Sean

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