Dabbling

Connor wrote:

Sean,

I have been dating “Jen” for about a year now and we recently moved in together.  We have always spent lots of time together but we decided since we were together even more now that a guys night/girls night was in order, so we went and did our own things.  I was home by 11 and was hoping she would be, but she wasn’t.  She called at three in the morning and was at the apartment of a GUY she works with.  I went over and picked her up and we argued about it on the way home.  I was upset that somehow a guy was involved on her girls night out.  She said one of her co-workers invited him, but they all left early so she hung out with him, but was too drunk to drive so they walked to his place. 

I was okay with her reasoning until he started calling and texting her more often and asking when he could see her again.  She has hung out with him twice since then and it’s driving me crazy.

I know I would be counterproductive if I flew off of the handle and tried to forbid her from seeing him, but how do I ask her to not see him again?  Do you think she is cheating?

Connor

Connor,

Have you ever been on monkey bars as a kid and pretended like there was lava below you?  I used to do it all of the time.  We’d swing across the monkey bars and try to not let go, but after some time, your grip weakened and no matter how hard you tightened your grip, you always slipped off and fell into the “lava”.

You’re right in thinking that being the alpha male wouldn’t help things.  The best thing to do here is explain how her actions make you feel and ask her how she is feeling.  It’s a scary thing to do and you may get some answers back that you don’t want to hear, but you need to ask those questions for the sake of your relationship.  It could be that she feels she moved in with you too fast, or it could be something different.  Either way, you should find out what she feels.  This may be just an overexaggeration in your mind.

Do I think she is cheating?  Judging strictly from the small bit of info you told me, yes I do..but there is almost always more to the story.  If I knew more about the relationship between you two, that may swing my opinion.  It may be more innocent than you are imagining..again, I’d need more info to be sure of my opinion.  Ultimately, you need to respect her space and just be a good boyfriend.  No blowing up, no constant texting and calling, and no invading her privacy.

In any event, it appears you have some communication issues to take care of.  Clearing the air should be the first priority, then determining what each others’ needs are should be the second.  I hope things work out for the positive.

Sean

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