Your extra time and your kiss.

E wrote:

I’ve written in to several other advice columns and haven’t really gotten any good advice, so I am hoping that since I really enjoy reading your blog, you may be able to help me with a situation I have happening in my life.

I am 23 and a total virgin.  No relationship, no sex, and not even a kiss.  I made a decision to date until I found someone that was looking for marriage, and I also made a commitment to myself that I would be a virgin on that day and my first kiss would be at the altar.

My best friend is a guy though, and even though he’s confessed his interest in me, I have told him that we’d only have friendship.  The problem is is that he keeps getting erections around me.  It can be as simple as hugging him goodbye or just hanging out together.  We aren’t physical, he knows I am not ready for a relationship, but yet, I feel bad that I am causing these moments to happen.  Should I continue our friendship or should I ask him to control himself or not see me?

I don’t want to lose a friend (and someone who is supportive of my self-made commitments), but the erections are making me feel like he may want more than what I do.

~E

E,

I commend you for your commitments and staying true to them.  Personally, I couldn’t do it.  To me, it’d be like not even sitting in a car until you get a driver’s license.  I like to know what I am in for and be prepared.  You are a strong willed woman, but it appears your friend may be hoping for more than you are willing to provide.  I’ve heard of the Virgin Lips movement and the small (yet increasing) number of people willing to wait until marriage to kiss.  I am guessing your friend is recognizing your commitment, but is more contemporary in his beliefs and is hoping something else will come from your friendship.

I think stating your commitment again and letting your friend know that NOTHING will happen between you too is important.  Is he seeing anyone or has he miraculously stayed single this whole time too?  If he isn’t the one, then don’t let things make you feel uncomfortable. Stay true to your beliefs and ask him to respect that.  He’s got to shape up or you should ship out.

Sean

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