Tug O’ War

Pictograms of Olympic sports - Tug of war

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Anonymous wrote:

I am facing an issue with a friend of 10 years.  She was recently started dating someone and we hardly see each other anymore.  She’s been single for almost 8 years and because I was having issues with my (now ex) boyfriend, we got to hang out all of the time.  We’d go clubbing, go shopping, get happy hour in, and really became close friends.  My (now ex) boyfriend hated that I spent more time with her, and only a few nights with him, but he just didn’t understand the value of having good friends.  Now, 10 years later, we’ve reached our middle 30’s and she wants to settle down.  She found a guy who IS pretty great but they spend SO much time together and over the last year, she’s been wanting to spend less and less time with me.  I feel like she’s throwing away the friendship for the chance of a relationship with this guy.  Now they’ve moved in together and I see her once or twice a month for “girls night”.  I hate that phrase, because it used to be that girls night was the norm.  How do I tell her that I don’t like it that she’s in a relationship?

Anonymous


Anonymous,

So if I understand what you’re saying, it’s that you’ve enjoyed having a single friend to hang out with but you feel that her happiness in a relationship is a negative thing because it has put an end to your party days?  I think you’re being rather selfish, don’t you?  It may have been great to be in your 20s and be wild and free, but you grew up (as most people do) and it’s natural to see those “party days” decrease in frequency as people put more value in things like careers and relationships and also place more value on their mate than their friends.  I am guessing you’re also upset because she found someone and you’re still single after breaking up with your ex?  You didn’t mention anyone new so I realize I am making an assumption with that, but it appears that may be the case.

Your (now ex) boyfriend hated that you spent so much time with her.  Was that one of the causes of you splitting up?  He felt like he wasn’t valued in the relationship?  I know I wouldn’t be okay with my girlfriend spending more time with her friends than she did with me.  It’s pretty common to see your friends less when you’re in a relationship because the relationship is building (or hopefully building) a foundation for your future.  Kids, house, marriage..whatever you’re building.  When people get married, they should ideally be marrying their best friend.  Have you attempted to befriend this guy or are you just wanting her to be single again?  I don’t see why it would be weird for the three of you to hang out.

Your girls nights should be valued (not hated) as a time to catch up, re-bond, reminisce about the old times, and share some laughs.  It’s the perfect time to take stock in the wonderful friendship you have with your friend.  Maybe someday soon (if you haven’t already), you’ll have a significant other and the FOUR of you can go out and do some things in addition to your girls nights.

Sean

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