Dangerous liasons

Christy wrote:

I was dating “Dan” for 2 years and was emotionally and finally physically abused over the course of the 2 years.  About 5 months ago, I broke things off after he became physically abusive and hit me.  Before then, he’d just shoved me a few times and thrown me on the bed a few times, but when he hit me, I’d had enough.  I left him.  He also lied to me and cheated on me twice, so let’s just say I felt free for the first time in years.

The problem is that he and I work in buildings right next to each other and have most of the same friends.  I ignored him at first, and he ignored me, but then he started asking to talk with me.  I did my best to tell him no, but eventually I broke down after he’d been calling for weeks.  When I talked to him, he told me how sorry he was that he’d hurt me and said that if I gave him another chance, he’d make sure nothing bad would ever happen again.  He then started crying and told me he couldn’t live without me.  He said the times he cheated meant nothing to him and that when he hit me it was because he lost control and that it’d never happen again.

The other problem is that I’ve started seeing someone else and I want to move on, but Dan keeps calling me and wanting to talk.  It’s wrecking things with “Jesse” my new guy and I don’t know what to do.  Should I go back to Dan?  Should I stay with Jesse?  I just don’t want to hurt anyone.

Christy

Christy,

You don’t want to hurt anyone?  Stop thinking like that.  There is no easy way out of an abusive relationship (and, yes, that’s what you’ve gotten into..) and you’re going to have to hurt someone to get out.  Dan is a dick, plain and simple.  From what you said, he had been physically abusive long before hitting you.  Shoving you and throwing you on the bed is abuse.  He doesn’t have to hit you to physically abuse you.

You also stated that he’d cheated on you twice and lied to you.  How do you know he isn’t lying about things being different “this time”?  Statistics show that going back into an abusive relationship typically makes the relationship worse.  It may be shiny and new when you get back, but it won’t last long.  He’ll be treating you the same way as before, or maybe even worse.  Don’t put yourself in harms way again.  Do whatever you have to do to get away from Dan.  Change your number, file a restraining order, move, let your building security know (if he’s been coming to your place of work), and force him to disappear from your life.  If you don’t, you may be in danger.

Don’t ruin things with Jesse if he’s a good guy.  If he cares, he’ll be patient and understanding.  Hopefully you’ll get to experience how a good relationship works.

Sean

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One thought on “Dangerous liasons

  1. Shelley says:

    Please, please do NOT even think about getting back with him. You’re worried about hurting him?? He is clearly not worried about hurting you. Literally.
    I can speak from experience, and I am… Nothing will change. I was in the exact situation (down to the cheating and lying even), and was foolish enough to believe yet another lie when he said he was sorry and wanted me back. The first month was amazing…. And the second month was hell. Of course he went right back to his same old behavior- telling me that he “would punch me in the face if I was a man” because I asked him a simple question one day when he was in a bad mood. I shook it off at first, but then of course the day came about a week later when it didn’t matter if I wasn’t a man. He pushed me so hard that I fell over the coffee table & hit my head on the wall. I am still visiting the chiropractor (2 months later) for the damage done that night.
    The point is- once someone who is suppose to “love” you shows this behavior, it will not stop. You just become the enabler and allow them to continue treating you this way if you stay with them. It is abuse, plain and simple. I know it’s not easy, but please do completely cut this guy from your life. It’s not easy at first, but it’s honestly the only way that you will be able to move on.

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