Sean, I am a 31 year old male living on the east coast and a regular blog reader of your blog. I am also facing a dilemma that I am hoping you can help me understand. I find myself increasingly jealous of my girlfriends male friends. We’ve been dating each other for about a year now and she seems to have all of these male friends that she wants to spend time with, without me. I get to meet them (once usually), then she wants to hang out without me when she spends time with them. She’ll go play pool at a bar, go for drinks, go to a party, and say “I’ll be back later.” If I ask what time exactly, she gets mad and says I am smothering her. I only see her three of four days a week, we don’t live together, and we had a great relationship until these guys started popping up. I just don’t get why she thinks I’d be smothering her.
Here’s the kicker. The last two guys have just popped up. She started our relationship saying she had many guy friends and guys couldn’t usually handle it and she liked that I could, but the last two guys weren’t old friends, they were new friends (not even from work..we work in the same office..I have no idea how she found them). Do you think she’s cheating, or am I building this up in my head?
Did you ever have a Magic 8-Ball? I loved those things because the answers were always so vague that it could have meant just about anything. There was one answer though that was the definite, and that was “All signs point to yes.” Yes DD, I think she is cheating and I’ve gone ahead and listed the reasoning below:
1. She makes new guy friends that she still wants to hang out with without you. If she didn’t meet them at work and she’s your age, did she meet them at a party, the bar, or while playing pool? How about online? In any case, she’s meeting new people and putting them in between the two of you.
2. She thinks you’re smothering her. Asking for basic communication like a time when someone will be home isn’t smothering someone. Demanding a time is. You two don’t live together and spend only three to four days a week together, so unless you’re following her around at work and calling her cell every time she goes to the restroom, you aren’t smothering her by any definition of the word. I see nothing wrong with asking her to be a little more open with her communication. If she’s upset about telling you when she’ll be home, how does she react when you ask her how her day was on nights you don’t spend together?
3. She has a full social life without you. Now before the readers get their panties knotted, I will explain this one. In a relationship, social lives will naturally overlap. You may hang with your GF her friends from time to time, or she may hang with you and yours and there is an understandable overlap if you two are sharing your two respective worlds in a relationship. She appears to be firmly separating her social life from her dating life which is usually the sign that someone is either hiding something or moving away from a productive relationship.
4. She gets upset when you ask for communication. You don’t appear to be asking for much more than communication and some social time with her and this makes her mad? Eesh. What happens when there’s a REAL problem? Does she grow horns and summon demons?
5. She “lets you” meet them once then wants to be alone with them. I am sorry, but that’s just creepy. Why can’t the three of you hang out? Do you not shower? Do you have a weird tail-like growth coming from your armpit? To me, someone that makes a point in making her boyfriend an “at home” relationship and does what she can to get out without him is simply an unspoken end to the relationship.
DD, I think you know the answer deep down and just want a second opinion. True, there is a tiny chance that this may be all stemming from seeing her (if you see her there) everyday at work, but I highly doubt it. There are some issues here and it’s your call if you want to stick this out or walk away while you still have your dignity.