Lazy Days

32::AM::3 - A messy room

Smells like a wet fart on a hot day.

Barb wrote:

My boyfriend of 8 months is usually a good, responsible guy who is organized at work and is a decent father to his son that he sees twice a week.  The problem is he is really lazy in other aspects of his life.  We just started living together and I am going crazy.  When he has his son, I come home to messes in the kitchen and living room that he makes excuses as to why he can’t clean up, so I do it.  I do the dishes from their meals, I clean up toys and clothes, and I take out the trash.  I do all this and work 50 hours per week.

He is also getting really out of shape.  He keeps saying he wants to work out, but he then says he’s too tired for a gym membership.  He also has really bad credit and is now getting his wages garnished for a few bad debts that he’s let go for WAY too long.  What’s worse, is that he “forgets” important things like anniversaries, birthdays, events, phone calls, etc., and blames everyone but himself for not having the time or energy.

It’s getting to me Sean, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.  I try to talk to him about things and he just gets frustrated and says I am treating him like I’m his mother.  He says he’s an adult and I should take him as he is.  I can’t do that..it’ll drive me crazy.  What do I do?

Barb

Barb,

You answered your own question.  Don’t take him as he is if that doesn’t work for you.  I know some people would say that if you love him, you’ll have to accept all of his faults, but something like this doesn’t qualify as a fault to me.  Personally, I feel a fault is something that someone cannot change, like a club foot, a receding hairline, a geeky laugh, or a beauty mark shaped like Richard Nixon on an ass cheek.  No big deal.  Character flaws are different because the person CAN change them, and if they aren’t willing, you need to decide if it’s something you can live with or live without.  Character flaws are bad tempers, constant lateness, flaking out on plans, being a slob, laziness, etc.  These are all things that are easily changed and if the “flawed” person (we all have flaws) truly cares for the other one, they’ll attempt to make the change.  If the person having these flaws is unwilling to compromise in any way, it can be the breaking point of a relationship.

He seems to be more disorganized than organized and the work and child organization may be first priority because he feels he HAS to do those two.  Maybe it’s time to let him know he HAS to pick up the slack and do the rest.  I am guessing you are also helping raise the child if you’re living with him, and if you have a job, find time for the gym, and still have time to clean, he can too.  A relationship isn’t 50/50, it’s 100% from both people and he needs to realize that.  Sit down and talk with him.  Find out if there is anything you can do to help, but also ask him to keep up his end of the relationship.  Let me know if you need anything else.

Sean

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