Hey, hey, Paula

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Paula wrote:


I really like your blog.  I didn’t get why someone was just giving advice, but I have now seen that you’re doing a great thing here and I like that you mix in your own stuff once in awhile.  It’s a nice break from the usual.

Anyway, I have a problem that I’d like to see if you can help me with.  I was in love with a guy for a year, then he cheated on me.  It was just a kiss, but you said that you feel that’s still cheating and so do I.  He said I blew it out of proportion but he’d never do it again.  THEN, he has all of these girl “friends” that suddenly pop up and want to spend all of this time with him, or they show up while he’s out with his guys, and they all make moves on him.  He has told me this, and how he has fended them off, and yet he continues to be friends with them.  Also, when we had the first argument about cheating, I asked him to promise that he wouldn’t cheat again and he said he couldn’t because he “is human”..but then said he’d try really hard.

When I get upset that he’s hanging out with all of these girls, he blows up and says I am being jealous and that I need to relax.   Am I the “jealous girlfriend”?  Should I be more relaxed?  Help!



You seem to have every reason to be jealous here Paula, though how you express it may be the issue.  The important part with any disagreement is to remain calm.  It may be difficult, but it’s a necessity if you want a productive discussion.

I have been reading your letter several times today and I feel there is something going on behind your back.  The girls that just pop up and want all of this time with him, the girls showing up ONLY when he’s out with his guys, and the boyfriend “fending them off” all seem like red flags that your boyfriend isn’t being faithful.  I am sure most people would agree with that.

Now sometimes friends come and go, but they are respectful of you and your relationships (or at least they should be).  They should also NOT be making a move on your boyfriend and you have every right to ask your boyfriend not to see those people anymore if it makes you uncomfortable.  The part that really bothers me is the women showing up while he’s out with guys and his story about “fending them off”.  I am guessing you’ll see some lipstick, glitter, or smell a woman on him the times that he is using that lame excuse.  He isn’t fending them off…he’s just telling you he is because it’s easier to have to a little mad than to have you blowing up because he cheated.

I’d say it’s about time you stop putting yourself through this.  Cheating is a vile thing and most relationships still in early stages don’t ever recover from it.  If jealousy has come up on several occasions, it’s time to let him go.  You deserve more than what you’re getting.