Sean, how do I get my boyfriend to get rid of his ex? They’ve been broken up for two years and she still calls him and emails him from time to time asking him to come back. He says he feels bad for her and doesn’t want to hurt her..but yet, doesn’t want to lose her as a friend. I just read your email about flirting and when my boyfriend responds to her emails he says things like, (wants him back) “I am glad to see you’ve seen what you overlooked all those years” or (the I miss you emails) “Well I miss you too, but we’re in a better place, or (when she tries complaining about me-who she doesn’t even know) “You and I had a different kind of chemistry. It was great, but we’re past that, aren’t we?”
It’s like he isn’t even closing the door of a possible return into her life. He’s lightly deflecting things, isn’t putting his foot down to let her know he has no interest in her, he hasn’t told her how he feels about me, and he just seems to be stringing her along. Am I being played?
You may be getting played, but not on purpose. Some people are so scared of committed relationships that they actually keep an eye out for the “backup” in case things don’t work. It appears here that your boyfriend may be scoping out his ex as a backup. Did he do that to her too and YOU were the backup?
On the other side of that, some people are SO afraid of losing people from their lives that they have a tendency to keep them around even though it may be harmful to any new relationship they make. These are the typical, “Why does this always happen to me?” type of people. They constantly keep people in their lives, keep communicating with exes who still have feelings for them, and then when things go bad, they blame bad luck, or the type of guy/girl they look for, when it’s really just a preventable situation in the first place. I’ve said it before, exes are exes for a reason. You can be friends with them, but they should be kept at a distance and flirting should be non-existent. Friends don’t flirt. That’s entering the gray area between friendship and something more and if you’re in a relationship, it can be disastrous. Despite these problems, the “don’t let go” person seems to keep exes around. Maybe it’s due to a low self esteem, maybe it’s a deeper issue, or maybe they never really moved on.
Do you know the song “Lips of an Angel”? Hinder can suck it for all I am concerned. I hate that song more than any other song I’ve ever heard simply because it’s making the idea of dating someone and still missing your ex “okay”. It’s not okay. Sack up (sorry, I don’t know a term for women… maybe, “vag up”?) and get over your ex before going into something new. Would you like to walk into a restaurant and have someone else eat off of your plate because they didn’t finish last time and really just wanted another taste? That’s pretty much the same thing.
He clearly isn’t over his ex and needs to work on things. If this current situation isn’t working, let him know and leave the choice with him as far as what he wants to do. Either way, him being with you isn’t helping either person in this situation.