Better Judgement

Courtroom One Gavel

HMc wrote:

So.. this is somewhat of a situation that I already know the answer to, but I’d still like an unbiased opinion, if you will. I’ve known this guy for about a year now. Neither one of us pressures the other for anything. We just kind of click. The first time we hung out, I swear it was like we’d known each other for years.  Then, I come to find out, our lives actually overlapped in a lot of places we were unaware of, with college, our backgrounds, and even a few of the people we know. We laugh because it’s so easy for us to just talk when we’re together. I’m not much of a phone person, so I can’t say we really communicate much unless we are seeing each other face to face. I’m currently not living near him, so it’s not exactly a situation that would work “dating wise”.

I’ll admit that in the beginning this was all a game to me. I wanted to see if I could get and keep his attention. And I have. Kind of. I guess. He’s really inconsistent. And honestly, so am I. And I am fairly certain he has more than his share of women to keep him warm at night. So a few months ago, I just decided that I was going to delete him as my friend on facebook and remove his number from my phone. I did all of that. Then last month he sent me a message on facebook, said he ran into a mutual friend. He wanted me to have his new number, said he wanted to get back in touch with me. I didn’t respond. He sent another message asking if I got the first one, and gave me his number again. So I caved and I texted him. He told me how much he missed my goofy self. Because let’s face it, I’m goofy and proud of it. : ) So we made plans to hang out one day. Play hooky together. I drove to meet with him. We hung out for an afternoon, he made me lunch, we talked about football, and whatever came up on the tv. When I left he asked if I was glad I came. I, being silly, said “Uh, yeah, actually I am. The food was good”. He laughed and made me promise I’d see him again soon. Fast forward to a few days later..now, I usually don’t text a person that soon again. I kind of like people to come to me in situations like this, but we had just been talking about he movie “Up” and we happened to be watching it where I was, so I texted him with one of his favorite one-liners from the movie. No response. The following day I met a girl that knew him through one of his best friends. It was random, so I texted him to tell him and I playfully said “could you please tell your world to stop colliding with mine. Lol”. No response. Normally, I would think nothing of his late responses. He’s good at that. But then I realized that, I care now. Because when I’m with him, it’s so comfortable that I think I finally actually do want it to go farther. Even though we don’t live near each other right now. And even though I have pretty big commitment issues and fears. My question is, how do I go about telling him that. And do I even bother? I mean, am I missing a pretty big red flag here saying he doesn’t really care? Do I go up to bat when I’m pretty sure that I’ll strike out? You always give such good advice, I figured maybe you could help me out!

HMc

HMc

This relationship seems like you’re settling.  You’re finding what’s comfortable and just sticking with it.  He doesn’t seem that interested, and the fact that you weren’t that interested (it was a game for you) in the beginning also says that you may subconsciously fooling yourself into thinking there is staying power with this relationship, when in all reality there isn’t.  You said he has his fair share of women to keep him warm at night.  This doesn’t sound like anyone interested in “long term”, and if that’s what you’re looking for, you’re only setting yourself up for failure.

The truth is, when guys know what they want, they go for it.  If they aren’t interested, they shy away.  Guys are simple..in fact, sometimes TOO simple.  He seems to want you around when it works for him, and he isn’t making any extra effort to make things work with you which tells me there is a good chance that you’re just another person keeping him warm at night.  Maybe you DO care now, but will you care long term?  Will he?  You can take your chances, but I my warning to you is to not set your sights too high with this one..and if you’re settling, don’t you feel you deserve more?  Someone who CAN see a long term situation with you and who is caring for you the way you care for him?

Sean

Advertisements

Follow your bliss

Joseph Campbell
Wise man.

Allison wrote:

I recently moved in with my boyfriend after dating for 11 months and I think I am going insane.  I thought it’d be this fantastic life of having dinner parties, having family over for visits, and still getting to go out with my girls on the weekends, but it’s really not much like that at all.  He and I both work two jobs to make our ends meet, I go to school to finish my degree, and we only have a decent amount of time to spend together three or four nights a week.  I love this man more than anything (and he loves me just as much) and I want a future with him, but I am wondering..What went wrong?    Why is nothing like I planned it?

Allison

 

Allison,

Joseph Campbell once said, “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”  Wise words from a very wise man.  Look him up, he’s got some really great outlooks on life.

You planned your life too far in advance, and yet you’re looking at your desired end goal and thinking it’ll just be that way the whole time, which is a mistake.  Have you ever played with LEGOS?  Let’s say you were to build a house with them..does it start our with four walls and a roof?  No.  You have to build it, brick by brick.  It takes time, effort, and some short AND long term planning before you have that little LEGO house done.  The same goes with life.  There is life out there waiting for you, but if you’re too focused on what you’d planned, you’ll miss it.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t plan, you should just realize that things change and you need to change with them.

Joseph Campbell is also known for the phrase, “Follow your bliss.”  He explained, “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.”  You love this man more than anything (and he loves you), so take pleasure in knowing you two have a great life together..then also keep in mind that your life may have it’s challenges, but it will always be great together.

Sean

Parental units.

A hot dog bun. The side-loading variety is sho...
I want this in my stomach..now.

Jessica wrote:

Sean, I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years.  We met here in college and two years later,  we’re still  in a loving relationship.  We’re both 20, we have no real issues, but I’ve recently begun birth control because we started a sexual relationship as well.  My parents are STRIIIICT Catholics and this will cause quite a ruckus if I tell them.  They technically don’t even know I am dating.  How do I do this?

Jessica

 

Jessica,

Have you ever eaten a hotdog?  Do you know what’s in them?  I do.  The reason I ask is, when I order a hotdog, the server doesn’t say, “Oh, just so you know, that hotdog comes along with some fat, nitrates, animal parts, some onion that we’ve had sitting in a container for a few days too long, and an order of fries that have been cooked in week old fat.”  Why don’t they say that?  Because it’s too much information.  I don’t need to know that to enjoy my hotdog.

The same thing applies with how you talk to your parents.  You wouldn’t go home and introduce your boyfriend and say, “This is John.  He and I are in a relationship and we have sex like rabbits every single night.  I’m also on the pill, so at least there’s that bit of smart thinking.”
On the same note, they don’t tell you of their sexual exploits every morning at breakfast either.  Why?  No one needs to know.

Chances are, you will introduce them to your boyfriend and they’ll ask him what he does and how you two get along.  The rest is just too much information.  If you’re away at college, be away at college.  Your pills stay with you or in your dorm.  Most times, parents don’t want to know that stuff..they won’t show up for surprise dorm inspections, and if they do, that’s just plain weird.

Sean

Christians

Faith1 wrote:

Sean,

I read the article about the Catholic girl and I decided to write you because I have an issue dealing with religion.  I was raise by strict Lutherans and as I have grown up, I’ve lost all interest in organized religion.  It seems to me that Christianity (and a few other religions) are all virtually the same story, with the same message, all telling me how to life my life by stating what’s accepted and not accepted.  Why not teach of understanding, peace, learning, and how your actions affect other people?  Anywho, that’s another letter.

My problem is, that I am terrified my parents will find out I’ve stepped away from the church and they’ll freak out. What do I do?

Faith1

 

Faith1,

How is your relationship with your parents?  Are you close?  Are they understanding or are they rooted in the worn fundamentals of their past?

Religion, spirituality, faith, or however you phrase it is a tricky thing.  There are hundreds of religions out there and there are even people who believe in nothing.  To me, religion isn’t anything you need to make others believe, how you vote, or how you treat other people.  Religion is how you feel about something greater than yourself.  If you are still searching for something greater, then that’s your journey.  If you’ve found what you’ve been searching for, then be happy with what you have.  It’s all a personal experience.  Religion all goes wrong when we force it on other people.

If you’re close with your family and it comes up in conversation, explain to them that your beliefs have changed, then explain what those beliefs are.  If you’re firm in those beliefs, take some time to explain that as well but if you’re still searching for what you want, then explain that too.  When arguing with a strict follower of any religion, it’s always good to have some text (about understanding) from their religion to make an easy transition.

It won’t be totally easy, and it may take some time for your parents to overcome their apprehension to you stepping out of their comfort zone, but it’s a part of life, and they need to understand that you’re free to make your own decisions.

Sean

Skyscrapers and bungalows

My first skyscraper!
Image by swisscan via Flickr

Tallgirl1 wrote:

Sean,

I am in love with a wonderful man and he is in love with me.  The problem lies with my friends (and his, to some extent), you see, I am 4 inches taller than he is and my friends and a few of his take every shot they can at making us feel self conscious about this.  At first it didn’t bother either one of us (I’m not a stuck up bitch who rules out shorter guys as some sort of weird psychological inadequacy), but now the teasing is making me feel that it may not be socially acceptable.  He is also feeling the heat.  His guy friends keep ribbing him and it’s making him feel self-conscious.

What do we do?  How do we tell our friends that they are the problem, not us?

Tallgirl1

 

I know plenty of women that are not willing to date anyone shorter than they are.  It’s not some deep psychological thing, it’s simply the fact that they want a man taller than they are.  I also know women like you that don’t really give a rat’s ass how tall the guy they date is, they look at the person, not the prominence.  Nothing wrong with that either way.

Anyway, the solution to the problem is a simple one.  You both need to find the courage to stand up to your friends and put an end to the teasing.  If it’s gone on for as long as you make it out to be, then it’s time to tell them to stop..the joke has run it’s course.  If they don’t cease, maybe it’s time to find some friends that can be truly happy for your loving relationship.

Sean

Star striking

Johnny Depp during the Paris premiere of Publi...
Damn you and your smirk Mr Depp.

“Fred” wrote:

Sean,

My wife is really into Johnny Depp.  She is so into him that she keeps pictures of him in our kitchen, and one on her desk at work so she can “talk” to him during a bad day.  I keep thinking I am a whiny guy for feeling neglected or weird about her having pictures of Mr Depp at her desk, but to me, it’s a big deal.  What are your thoughts on this?

“Fred”

 

Fred,

I have seen this with both males and females alike.  People lust after someone that is so untouchable, yet try to make their attraction to that person so real that it eventually becomes disruptive to the other people in that person’s life.  For example, I once had a friend that was enamored with Tyra Banks.  Every time she was on TV, he’d say things like, “Oooh, I’d hit that.”  He’d even say it when his fiancee was sitting right next to him.  It made me feel weird and after seeing her reactions, I know it made her feel weird too.

The TV show Friends tried to make this type of thing acceptable with their “freebie list”, but in all reality, it’s promoting dysfunction.  Am I saying it’s wrong to feel attracted to a star?  Not at all.  What I am saying is, it’s unacceptable to constantly vocalize it or give visuals.  Just as the “I’d hit that” comment would make most people squirm if it was a constant thing, putting Johnny Depp pictures up all over your cubicle or kitchen is kind of childish. It’s almost like that girl in high school that had the NSync crap all over her locker.

Of course, you can’t really say it like that to your wife..you have to be gentle here.  Just explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable and you’d like it to stop.  Have a conversation and let her know how you feel about everything and hopefully, she’ll understand.  If not, I know a guy that has a shoebox of Tyra Banks pictures you can have.

Sean

Be…ewwww!

The Cake That Won't Make You Fat
Smell like a man dammit.

DTH1988 wrote:

I have a really big problem and I am hoping you can help.  I love your blog by the way.  I was worried you’d quit when you took a few days off.  Anyway, I have a roommate that has a body odor problem.  He doesn’t shower daily and it’s nasty.  The smell gets on his towels, on the couch, on the chairs he sits on, and it floats in the air.  It’s like living with rotting garbage.  Women I bring home notice it and I have to spend time explaining it’s not me that stinks.  He’s a clean guy, but not personally, and it’s driving me crazy.

How do I go about letting him know he is ruining our living arrangement?

DTH1988

 

I hate it when people don’t shower daily.  I don’t care if you are okay with your stink, other people aren’t.  Grab some soap and a CLEAN towel (that’s my other pet peeve..when people use towels for weeks at a time) and get your dirty ass in that shower.  Wash yourself, wash your hair, and get some soap and water where the sun doesn’t hit ya.  If it’s getting on your stuff and you can smell it in the air, it’s time to take steps to make sure your roomie knows that you aren’t okay with things the way they are going.  Let him know that he does stink and it’s not just you that can smell it.  Ask him to start taking care of himself or you’ll have to find a way out of your current arrangement.  Hopefully he sees your side of things.

Your next step is getting your place aired out.  Get some pet deodorizer, carpet and upholstery cleaner, a brush, and a vacuum and go to town on your place with the windows open.  Air that place out and remind him what a good smelling living space should be like.

Sean