Relation ship

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Together or apart?

Padma wrote:

Sean-

I have been dating a guy for about six years and we’ve had our fair share of struggles.  He moved out for a few months while we worked on things and now that he’s back, I don’t know what to do.  Here is more info on our relationship:

“John” and I have known each other since college and got together about 6 years ago.  Things started off well (we were both from IL and both coincidentally living in CA at the time), love was passionate, and he was faithful.  After we got engaged and moved back to IL about a year ago, he cheated on me and we split up for a few months.  It was rough, but I wanted to figure things out.  I didn’t figure things out though, instead I partied and went out with my friends to see if I could live without him, and all the while I was talking to him three nights a week and trying to figure things out.

We finally got things in order and he moved back in, but we seem different.  He wants to go out all of the time and party, I want to go out and party, and we don’t really mix our friends so we spend out nights either together, or alone with our respective friends.  What once was a passionate and loving relationship seems strained and tense.  We seem to have two different lives rather than one life together.  I don’t even know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I can’t let him go.  What do I do?

Padma

Padma,

A relationship is a combining of two worlds.  If you and John are constantly in your own worlds, that isn’t a relationship, that is barely even a friendship.  Adding intimacy into the mix makes things even harder.  Frankly, I never understood the relationships where people say they are “in a relationship” but rarely ever see each other because they’re always out with “the girls” or out with “the guys”.  That isn’t a relationship…a relationship is building a bond with someone whom will hopefully eventually be your best friend and lifelong partner.  The most important person in a relationship is the person you’re in the relationship with, not your friends.  You can have your nights out, but if your nights away are always outnumbering your nights together, you should examine your relationship a little more closely.  You failed to mention how old you are, but sooner or later we all need to grow up and realize that it’s not about the party, it’s about the life outside of the party that counts.

You also mentioned you don’t know if you want to be with him for the rest of your life.  If you’re settling for a “good for right now” type of person, you probably shouldn’t be dating.  Also..he cheated, but have you forgiven him?  Has he expressed remorse?  Don’t hold it over his head forever.  If you feel strongly enough to let him back into your home, maybe it’s time to let him back into your heart.  If not, then it’s time to move on.

Sean

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