Fear and lotion in Las Vegas.

Sunglasses on blanket
Image via Wikipedia

Okay, so it’s actually Henderson, but it made a good headline..

YPH554 wrote:

I am terrified of skin cancer, absolutely terrified of it.  My family grew up here in the Henderson area, so we were always outside in the sun and as a result, both of my parents developed skin cancer when I was 11.  It was enough to scare me into protecting myself while out in the sun.  When they died from skin cancer 5 years and 6 years later, it sent me into a panic.  Now I am 22 and I am still afraid of cancer but I am also afraid my fear will eventually mean I am alone for the rest of my life.  I wear hats and long sleeves when going outside and always make sure I have tons of sunscreen and my sunglasses on, even when it’s cloudy (most people don’t know it but UV rays still come through the clouds on non-sunny days).  On sunny days I get sweaty and am miserable whenever it’s hot here (which is often), so I don’t stay outside much, which means I am usually left out of outdoor activities or I am the one alone inside at the BBQ.

How do I manage to protect myself and still find a way to be social?  The loneliness is killing me inside while the UV is killing everyone outside.

YPH554

 

YPH554,

It seems as though you have developed a phobia of sorts.  You’ve let a fear become irrational and overpowering and it’s controlling your life.  Just remember though, we are not defined by our fears-we are always in control.  Yes, sunlight is bad and some would say that there is no safe level of sunlight for human skin.  However, many would also agree that drinking from plastic bottles are bad, breathing air pollution is bad, and even getting a shot is bad.  “Bad” is all around us, and if we go through our lives fearing everything that is bad, we’ll never have a chance to enjoy it.

I think you should seek some therapy to overcome this phobia and start living your life.  You can still feel free to wear your sunscreen and protective clothing, but there are ways to do this and still only receive a moderate dose of sunshine.  Hopefully a therapist can get you back on your feet again.  If you’re looking for a head start, remember that everything is always best enjoyed in moderation…including sunlight.

Sean

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Good boyfriend’s handbook

Chris wrote:

You seem like a good guy.  Is there like a “good boyfriend’s handbook” you follow?  Can you share with the rest of us?

Chris

 

Chris,

There isn’t a book out there (though I should make one), so I have posted the top 25 things a good boyfriend should do.  At the bottom of the post is a list of 5 things a BAD boyfriend does, as a comparison.

GOOD BOYFRIEND
1.  Be honest with her, but always make her feel beautiful.

2.  Kiss her before going to sleep.

3.  Keep communication open and don’t be afraid to take a stand on important issues.

4.  Know how to fix things and offer to help her when she needs something fixed.

5.  Stay calm.  She may freak out about piddly things at times, but it’s best if you just stay calm and collected.

6.  When she asks you what you’re thinking, don’t respond with, “Nothing.”

7.  Shower regularly and keep your room clean.

8.  If you can’t afford to take her on a date, be imaginative and romantic..and you’ll find all sorts of fun free things to do.

9.  Know what things she likes and doesn’t like.

10.  Learn how to cook.

11.  Don’t criticize her drink choices or musical tastes.

12.  Learn from your mistakes.  Know what makes her upset and avoid doing those if at all possible.

13.  Dress appropriately.  A Vikings jersey is not appropriate fine dining attire.

14.  Ask her opinion and don’t talk down to her.

15.  Take the time to explain anything she shows interest in.

16.  Learn to laugh at yourself.

17.  Hold her hand.

18.  She may at some point fart on you in your sleep.  Just take it….just take one for the team.

19.  Respect her and respect her family.

20.  Always let her know how important she is to you.

21.  Offer to take care of her when she’s sick.

22.  Watch a “chick flick” without complaining.

23.  Learn what she’s afraid of.  If it’s spiders, kill them.

24.  Make her laugh.

25.  Take at least one picture with her.

 

BAD BOYFIREND

1.  Be secretive and show poor communication skills.

2.  Ignore her when the game is on.

3.  Make fun of her in front of your guy friends.

4.  Tell her you don’t like what she’s wearing.

5.  Make her feel that the things she likes aren’t as important as the things you like.

I’m spent again..?

A few responses came in about the “I’m spent” post from yesterday:

HK23 Wrote:

My girlfriend had the same problem.  She just didn’t know when to stop.  It was all of these tiny little purchases (coffee, clothes, lunch, wine here and there) that added up to big money.  I tried to get her to stop, but when she kept it up, I had to leave.  I decided that I can’t be with someone that can’t prioritize.

 

BraddamK wrote:

I feel his pain.  I married a woman who secretly had more than 30,000 in debt and it didn’t bite me in the ass until we were two years in and collectors started coming after us.  Why is it so hard to be responsible these days?  If you’re in debt, don’t spend more money, just pay it off.

 

Aaron Q wrote:

I know what he’s going through.  I was in the same situation, but luckily my fiancee saw that a relationship was more important than money and came to me to help.  It was hard work and we had to make some big cuts (no going out to eat, clothes shopping only twice a year, no designer foods, etc) but we made it work.  I manage the finances now and we’re happier than ever.  It was a hard thing for her to do by coming to me, but it made us stronger.  You gave great advice on that one.

 

RetaWA wrote:

I have a BOYFRIEND that is irresponsible too.  It’s not just women!  Good advice though!

 

Thanks for writing in guys.  Heading into Black Friday this was a wise one to post.  If you’re up against a huge gift list and still need to pay your bills, keep in mind your “needs” versus “wants” this season.  Every business has deals and the savings may be huge, but if you don’t NEED it, is it really a deal?  Take care of all of your needs (gifts for family, bills, gas, etc) first and you may have leftover money for some of those wants.  If you are strapped for cash, just remember that debt relief is also a great gift to give yourself.

Sean

I’m spent.

cut the card
Umm..that was my bus pass...

 

Oscar wrote:

Sean,
I am having a crisis.  My girlfriend and I are engaged to be married within the year and I just recently found out she has been hiding debt from me.  I didn’t snoop, she was doing some bill paying and had left the on the table.  At a quick glance, I saw that she had over $10000 in debt, but there could be more than that.

Here is the problem, she has made some mistakes as we all have, and had said she was paying them all off.  The last time we discussed it, she said it was almost paid off.  She appears to have hidden the truth from me on that too.

I confronted her about it, nicely, and she got upset.  She became SO defensive, she even questioned whether or not she wanted to marry any longer.  Rather than come to me with the truth, she chose to push away me, someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  We made up but I still know she is in need of some help. She continues to shop and go out to eat and I know she can’t afford it.  Money management is my forte and I am more than willing to help, but if I bring it up again, I fear I may lose her.  What should I do?

Oscar

Oscar,
Money issues aren’t fun.  In fact, money issues are the number one cause of relationship failure.  I think it’s great you’d like to help her, but unfortunately she appears to not want your assistance.  It may be pride, it may be fear, or it may be stubbornness that is keeping her from tackling this issue together with you, but whatever it is, she is ferocisouly defending her privacy at this point. 

Personally, I think money issues are scary.  They scare me more than any other aspect of a relationship.  Now, that may be because I am a planner, and I have taught myself over the past few years some serious financial responsibility, but it’s also scary because it can lead to some nasty disagreements.  I am all for the idea that one person in the relationship manages finances, but it doesn’t always work that way.  In a marriage though, the credit burdens are immense, and you’ll tackle them together whether you like it or not.  As her husband, you’ll assume every bit of her responsibility in paying those debts and making sure everything runs smoothly, so it’s now just a matter of letting her see that.  Creditors won’t just go after her if things get bad, they’ll go after you. 

I won’t tell you how to talk to her about it because I don’t know her personality, but I know you have a hard road ahead.  Hopefully she sees the error of her ways and is willing to realize that marriage is a team effort in every aspect.  Maybe it’s shopping less, maybe it’s not going out, maybe it’s letting you manage the bills while still allowing her to have some fun money. You’ve got to be patient and realize that she may be having just as hard of a time tackling this alone as you are watching her do it.  It’s hard to come to someone and admit that there may be a problem.  Be there for her and hopefully things work for the best.

Sean

More HS BS

Beverly Hills 90210 (soundtrack)
Crappy: Then and now.

Dave wrote:

Sean,

I’ve been getting made fun of at school for not having a girlfriend and being more interested in school than sports or women.  My friends are just gently teasing me, but it’s starting to wear on me and I really don’t know what to do.  How do I tell them to lay off?

Dave

Dave,

Sack up and confront them, plain and simple.  High school is full of drama:  “So-and-so isn’t popular”, “this girl is dating this guy”, “that girl broke up with him and he started dating her friend”, etc.  I applaud you for not getting sucked into all of that crap.  You’re focusing on what is important to you, and that is a smart move to make at such an early age.  High school will end and while some people will take that drama life beyond those walls, most of that drama stays right back in school..just waiting for the next teen to stumble into it.

It’s easy for people to fall into the trap of caring too much of how others perceive them, gossip, jealous teen drama, and things like that.  If you’re not interested, stay strong and you’ll be the better person in the end.  High school dramas should stay in high school.  After high school, there are bigger things to worry about than who your friends think is hot, who your ex dates after you, who is not in your social clique, and whom is now enemies with whom.

Sean

Timing is everything

US Navy 100501-N-0209M-008 Logistics Specialis...
"No, I am really busy. No, I am not seeing other people.. *sigh* Yes, I care about you.. I've gotta go, my microphone is dying..."

GM1234 wrote:

(Post this on your blog or not, but you always give great advice so I wanted to hear you opinion on this.)

Sean,
I have been dating someone for 1 1/2 months, and we have a great time together and a lot in common. He is an extremely busy guy with work (as am I with school), so we see each other once a week or so. We have not had the DTR (define the relationship) talk. In your opinion, At what point is it acceptable to be brought up, and who should do that? Also, how often do you think it’s “normal” to talk (communicate, as in texts or phone calls) to someone when dating for that amount of time? Thanks!

GM1234
GM1234,

There isn’t a set time in which to have the DTR talk.  Personally, I always like to say “go for it when things feel right, but if it hits six months, you may as well move on.”  As far as who should do it, either person should do it.  It’s not a guy’s job or girl’s job to bring this up.  If it’s on your mind, talk about it.  It’s conversation, and there is never anything wrong with wanting clarity.

You also asked about how much communication you should be expecting since you’ve been seeing each other for 1.5 months.  I’d say anything less than every other day (by text OR call) is unacceptable.  If you like someone, you show it.  If you’re busy, you make time.  It’s just respectable.  I’ve been guilty of being busy in the past too and not being as communicative as I should have been, but it’s just putting other priorities in front of the person you may be interested in.  In those cases, it’s often times best to just move on rather than drag things out and frustrate the other person.  Of course, there is also the chance that he may be seeing other people and using the “busy” excuse as a buffer too, so it’d be better to have that DTR talk sooner than later.  If he doesn’t want what you want, don’t settle.  You deserve to have your needs met too.

Hope this helps.

Sean

Signs

Danger sign: Unprotected fall hazard

Sam wrote:

Sean,
I have been having troubles with my boyfriend as of late and have recently noticed a guy at work has shown interest in me.  Do you think this is a sign I should leave my boyfriend and go for the new guy?

Sam

Sam,
Sometimes signs aren’t always obvious.  While you may be having troubles with your boyfriend, I hardly think this is a sign telling you to leave him, nor do I think its a sign to go for the new guy.

If you believe in signs, you essentially have to be open to a whole world of possibilities.  What is this new guy is a sign you should be working on your relationship with your boyfriend?  What if its a sign that you should work on improving relationships with your father?  What if its a sign you’re running low on cat litter?

While the last one may have been a stretch, it illustrates my point, which is, the meaning of a sign is all in the eyes of whoever is looking for one.  My advice to you is to work on things with your boyfriend.  Things may be bad, but looking for justification to leave him is just as bad.  Hopefully you two can work things out.
Sean