Hey I’ve been a long time reader and I consider you a pretty swell guy. I’m not used to this sort of thing but I thought what the heck, I’ll try my luck. So here, Sean, is my problem for you to take a crack at:
I recently broke up with my longtime long-distance girlfriend and since everything has been coming at me nonstop… I just made a major life change and decided to move into a new place to get away from surroundings that reminded me of past failures. It sounded like a good idea at the time and it has been somewhat beneficial. However it’s been a double edged sword since now I’m further away from my friends and family. I was recently at an office holiday party and it just made me miss everyone. Now I feel more alone than ever and my isolation only aids in me thinking about all of the things I moved away from. I feel like I’ve been making all these moves to better myself but I feel worse off and seem further away from my goals than I was before. I’ve been trying to work out, and be a better person inside but all I’ve been coming up with is rage. I look for happiness, love, some motivation but all I get is a face full of sand. I’ve got so much to do with my life and I feel like I’ve been destined for greatness… if I could just get some traction under my wheels. Was getting away from it all a good idea? I mean, I can’t move now because I’ve got a sweet room mate and a job here, but really… what would you do if you were a down-on-your luck schlub in this situation? Anyway, keep on doing what you’re doing. Merry Christmas. Dan
You seem like you have your priorities in the wrong spot Dan. You put the issues with the girlfriend first and also mentioned your friends before mentioning your goals, which tells me you’re dependent on your friends and love life for happiness. Our friends don’t make us who we are, they should only bring out the good qualities within us. I don’t know how much time you’re spending with them, but are they helping you with your goals or are they just using your time? Are they pushing your progress or are they just existing? I’m not saying friends are bad in any way, but don’t put effort on spending SO much time with them. Another aspect of this (and I don’t know how old you are) is that it seems like you don’t want to be an adult. You want to be a kid of sorts. When you were a kid, you said to your mom, “I want a sandwich,” and she knew exactly what you wanted. Five minutes later, *BOOM* there was the PB&J with the crust cut off. Now, as an adult, when you want that sandwich, you have to make it yourself and it seems like too much effort, so instead you order a pizza. It seems to me like you’re avoiding something in your growing up. You want to have an adult life, but without the adult efforts..and maybe your friends are contributing to that.
I’ve said this to many people before. If you have a final goal, don’t just look at that..you MUST look at every other goal along the way. For example, if you’re shooting for the moon, you need to build a rocket. To build a rocket, you’ll need some plans. To make plans, you’ll need information..and so on. There are goals every step of the way, and if you “just want to be on the moon”, you’ll never make it if the other things aren’t done right. Your “traction” is there, it seems like you’re forgetting about the gas pedal.
As far as the girlfriend thing goes, and the past failures, and you moving away to change things..it’s not realistic. You can’t run from problems. You’re dwelling on the past because there was no closure, I’ll guarantee it. You HAVE to close the door on the past in order to move on. Whatever those failures were, whatever happened with your ex, you can’t run from it because life doesn’t work that way. You need to move on. Let’s say you have a pile of garbage you’ve collected (that being failures and the ex). Walking away from it doesn’t make it go away, it’s still there..you’re just not near it. You need to work hard to pick it all up and get things straight. You can’t just expect things to change for you without putting some serious effort. Running away from problems is bad..but solitude is a good thing if you have a bunch of things to work on. If you’re looking for another relationship Dan, you’ll need to fix yourself first. You called yourself a schlub too. Two things to remember here: 1) Luck is what you make it. 2) Pity doesn’t work. Don’t expect people to feel sorry for you if you have some work to do. Women today don’t do “pity sex”. They won’t like you because they feel sorry for you..they want a guy who is confident, goal oriented, organized, and able to handle his business. However, until you’ve fixed yourself, don’t even try to get into a relationship. When the time is right, you’ll need to put in some serious effort to make one happen.
You also mentioned that you’re working out, but are you working out or are you hitting the gym maybe once a week in the hope of making some sort of progress? It takes more effort than that. Everything in life takes hard work and determination and from the words you’re using, it seems like you’re more likely just expecting things to happen for you.
You didn’t answer any of the questions I asked you in order to help me clarify what you’d initially emailed me, which says to me, you may have been looking for an instant fix. Instant fixes don’t exist. It’s easy to coast through life feeling sorry for yourself and expecting others to do the same, but if you TRULY want to meet that destiny you know is out there, you need to buckle down and make things happen step by step. First, work on your basic disciplines (personal & financial organization, health, and personal presentation). Next, set larger goals for yourself, but make those goals align with the destiny. Keep practicing your basics every step of the way and keep modifying your goals to reach the next step. It’s not easy, and there isn’t a magic step that makes everything you want happen all at once, but if you have a strong foundation, it’s easier to build up from there.
The title of this blog is from an Elton John song called Daniel. If you want to be that “star in the face of the sky”, you’d better get working on things.
Good luck Daniel.