Maybe you can help me, maybe not. I don’t really know what to do, so I figured I’d ask. I am 28 and in a relationship, but I am not sure if it’s me or the relationship that’s in the wrong here. Let me explain:
I met Houa almost a year ago and things were great from the start. Six months later, we even got married, but now I worry about our future. Am I really supposed to be open and honest about everything I do with him? I had a myspace page and closed it because I kept getting emails from guys and it made Houa upset. I reopened another one and a friend of his found it and Houa said it felt like I was doing things behind his back. When I want to go out with the girls, he asks me how my night went and what we did. When I go out for happy hour, he asks me who I am going with. He isn’t demanding about things, but why do I need to be so open with him? Isn’t it okay to have secrets in a marriage anymore?
I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll restate it.
I hate to break it to you, but it’s never been okay to have secrets in any sort of committed relationship. Relationships are about honesty, trust, openness, and communication. If you take one out, the whole thing falls apart. On your side of things, it’s just respectful to practice respectful communication. In the business world, some people say that it’s better to over communicate information at times rather than under communicate it. If you’re trying to gain the trust of a colleague, be open with them…and a relationship is the same way. I’d rather hear something like, “Hey, I am going to be a little late from work tomorrow. Theresa, Sara and I are going to grab a happy hour drink..”, than “I won’t be home until late tonight..”, then have to play a guessing game. Did you ever have a friend that said, “I have to tell you something..” and then said, “oh..nevermind..”? Lack of communication can be as frustrating as that on a daily basis. It damages trust, it produces a feeling of dishonesty, it shuts down openness, and it drives a wedge between a loving union.
If you feel the need to be secretive or even lie about what you’re doing while you’re in a relationship, you should evaluate whether or not you should be in that relationship…because it’s not going to work out if you keep those behaviors going. My advice to you is, if you want to keep this relationship, you’ll have to learn to be more open about everything. Practice good communication skills and be open, but ask the same from him. If you can’t do it, you may need to see a therapist to explore why you feel the need for secrets and lies. To me, marriages aren’t a casual thing..I hate divorce..so hopefully you can work things out.