Another day in MN.

Dumb Patrol
Image via Wikipedia

Here are some recent police call reports I found amusing with my comments below each one:

Suspicious activity. Officers responded to a home on the 19300 block of Stieg Road regarding suspicious activity. According to police reports, someone reported footprints that went from the home’s driveway around the house. An officer checked the area and determined that the footprints were from a meter reader.

Me- Couldn’t the caller just follow the footprints and check it out?  Better yet, wasn’t the energy company’s car out front a dead giveaway?


Burglary. Officers went to Lund Distribution, 7415 Washington Av. S., regarding a burglary: a $4 cheese slicer was taken.

Me- Wow, call the FBI.  This is a big one.


Theft. Officers responded to Cub Foods, 8150 Wedgewood Lane, regarding a theft. Someone stole $1,200 worth of razor blade refills from the store.

Me- Easy fix.  Look for the hairy person running with a large box of razors.


Suspicious activity. A resident on the 2400 block of Holy Name Drive called police to report that somebody rang the doorbell, however, no one was there. An officer arrived and was unable to locate anyone.

Me- Did the caller think the police showing up would make the person come back?  “Yeah, I rang the doorbell and left, but I knew I was in for it when the police showed up.  Their super detectives were on to me..”


Theft. Officers responded to a theft on the 8400 block of County Road 15. According to police reports, a man said that someone came to test drive a vehicle he had for sale two months ago, and the person had not returned the vehicle. After further investigation, it was deemed a civil case.

Me- It took two months to call the police?  How long did the owner think the “test drive” would take?


Property damage. According to police reports, a woman from the 2000 block of 110th Lane NW. called police to report that her boyfriend had broken her cell phone. She claimed he was upset that she was talking on the phone with a new boyfriend. An officer spoke with the old boyfriend and he claimed she was upset because he had told her that her teeth were disgusting; he said she struck him with her phone, causing it to break.

Me- Ummm, I have no words for this.


Animal control. A cow was reported on Hwy. 19 near S&S Machine, 10520 W. 280th St.

Me- Just another Tuesday here in MN.


Vandalism. A house in the 2000 block of Lisbon Avenue was egged.

Me- Probably from the cow.  If you hurry, you’ll find it walking down Hwy 19.


Disturbing the peace. Someone called police to report that a neighbor was snowblowing her yard at 10:11 p.m., creating a nuisance. Officers spoke to the neighbor, who told police that she hated snow and wanted it gone from the yard.

Me- Genius!  Just wait until morning to do it.


Loose horses. Horses were reported loose near the road in the area of Hwy. 5 and Gorman’s Restaurant. Police did not find the animals when they checked the area.

Me- Looks like Gorman’s has horse on the menu.


Burglary. A snowblower, a gas can and four shovels were stolen from a garage in the 4300 block of Fox Ridge Road.

Me- Oh Nooooo!  Someone is going to bury a snowblower!


Assault. Officers were called to a residence on Waters Edge Drive regarding an assault. According to police reports, two men were involved in an argument over the use of a telephone. The men wrestled one another and both threw punches, police said. Both men were arrested and charged with domestic assault and 5th degree assault.

Me- Family cell plan guys, family plan.


Terroristic threats. According to police reports, a 16-year-old girl went to Enjoy Tanning at 12525 Ulysses St. NE., disgruntled over a Star Tribune article that day reporting on an incident at the business; on Nov. 12, the business had terminated the girl’s tanning contract after accusing her of urinating in garbage baskets. The girl demanded her money back. Officers called the girl and told her it was a civil issue and that she was not welcome at the business.

Me- Correct me if I’m wrong, but tanning salons have bathrooms, right?


Accident. A vehicle and a Bobcat collided in the 2800 block of Vilas Lane. A “Bobcat removing snow, not the animal,” the police report noted.

Me- Good thing they clarified, I thought, “Man, that’s one huge Bobcat.”


Animal complaint. A caller in the 900 block of Sperl Street reported seeing a bobcat. He was told to call if he sees the animal again.

Me- The guy above killed it.


Theft. A guest at the Hampton Inn, 3000 Eagandale Place, reported that his wheelchair valued at $700 was stolen from the parking lot, where it had been sitting next to his car.

Me- People..don’t park your wheelchair in the parking lot.


Burglary. Celt’s Pub, 880 Bahls Drive, was burglarized.

Me- This just in.  Minnesota has a Bahl’s Drive.


Theft. Officers responded to a home on the 1100 block of 103rd Av. NE. regarding a theft. A 26-year-old woman had invited a man she had met online over to her house, and he spent the night. She had to leave for work the next morning and left him sleeping. When she returned home, the man was gone — and so were her DVD player and movies.

Me- But he left her an STD for a trade.