Port wine stains and superheroes.

Port-wine stain visible on the head of Mikhail...

Gorby's Port Wine Stain.

Khue wrote:

Sean,

I have a problem I hope you can help with.  I’ve been dating this guy for a few months now and things are all good except for one thing.  I feel like he finds other women more attractive than me.  He has so many beautiful women for friends and when we’re out they all say hi, and he is polite (don’t think he’s flirty, because he’s NOT) ans says hi back, but I always feel so much uglier than they look.  This is why I believe that he finds other women more attractive.  Do you think he’s realized that he can’t get with any of them and he’s settling for me?  He says he loves me, but I just don’t think I am beautiful enough for him to stay with.

Khue

 

Khue,

It’s not your boyfriend, it’s you that has the problem.  I don’t know what happened to give you such a low self-esteem (maybe family?  maybe an ex?), but if your boyfriend says he loves you and that he finds you beautiful, take that for what it’s worth.  Now, he should ideally try to make you feel wanted and beautiful on a regular basis, but if you’re incapable of believing that, it’s your problem and not his.  You said he isn’t flirty, he’s polite, but he seems to be into you if he isn’t paying attention to these supposedly beautiful women.

Personally, I have some beautiful friends.  I know this, I’ve been told this, and that is cool with me.  It doesn’t mean that I am attracted to all of them.  To me (and possibly your boyfriend is also this way), attraction is SO much more than just looks…it’s the entire package.  In college, I once knew this girl with a port wine stain (or a red skin tint), all the way up her arm and over her left shoulder.  She thought it was the ugliest thing and she kept trying to find ways to make it go away.  I thought it was badass because it made her look like a superhero the way it looked like a flame on her shoulder.  She let it affect her until one day she met a guy that also thought it was beautiful.  She’s now married to him, has two kids on the way, and seems to be okay with her appearance, but she almost let her negative self-esteem ruin a good thing.  She spent years being insecure about herself until her boyfriend (now husband) finally told her “with or without the mark”, he loved her.  He made her feel wanted, desired, and beautiful.

Some people do the same thing with money and only go for guys or girls with money.  I think it’s idiotic.  I believe this: “Yes, you should handle your bills, but I don’t want you to be rich..I want you to be happy with where you’re at and if a relationship starts, we’ll be happy growing rich together.  It won’t be easy, but it’ll be ours.”  The same thing applies to beauty for me.  If I find someone beautiful it’s because I like the entire package.  I wouldn’t be with them if I only liked one thing about them.

My advice to you is to figure out why your own perception of personal beauty is skewed and try to change that.  Believe in your boyfriend and do your best to make yourself feel beautiful.  Everyone has faults.  It’s what makes us unique.  Uniqueness is beautiful in it’s own right.

Sean

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