Out of the frying pan and into the..bed?

Fostering military-to-military relationships a...
This is as emotional as most guys get with each other.

Sam wrote:

Sean,

I am a 30 year old male that is recently single.  I’ve always jumped from relationship to relationship and always been happier with someone than when I am single.  I’ve started reading that this may actually be the reason that my relationships don’t work-because I’m rushing into one after the other.  Why do people like me do this?  How can I change this?  I’d like to think that the next relationship I have will be a productive one.

Sam

 

Sam,

A major reason that GUYS are so quick to be in a relationship after one ends is that we’re historically pre-dispositioned to have our needs met by women.  We aren’t good at opening up to other men, so for the emotional connection, we open up to women.  When it comes to women getting into relationships quickly, it may be pressure from friends and family, a biological need to settle down and have children, a fear of being alone, or a combo of any of those.

Another reason both men and women jump into a relationship is to avoid the pain of being alone.  I know someone whose motto is “Why lick your own wounds when someone else can lick them for you.”  Baaaad motto.  The pain and loss in the end of a relationship is part of the grieving and recovery process.  You can evaluate yourself, the relationship, and your life..then learn what you can and eventually move on.  Every friend that has ever offered the advice of “give it time” is right on.  Time is the only thing that will help you be more productive in a relationship.  Instead of looking to someone else to “lick your wounds”, work on self-improvement and figuring out your life.

To find a more productive relationship you’ll also need to learn to be alone.  You may just be someone that feels a need to be around people all of the time, and that’s not a responsible way to go through life.  In order to have good relationships, you need to feel okay being alone.  It can be as simple as having one night a week to yourself at home (no phone calls or IM’ing either, cheaters) to just get stuff done, or relax.  It can be a workout and deep thoughts to yourself at the gym as well.  The point I am trying to make is that a relationship should be from the desire to be with a particular person, not the desire to not be alone.

The last step is to work on improving yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If you don’t have a filter on things you say, find one.  If you’re out of shape, get healthy.  If you don’t have a career, search for one.  If you are super emotional and get angry easily, see a therapist and fix it.  We all get rusty at life from time to time, but during these solitary moments, we can set things right and get back on track.

You’ll find someone eventually.  We all just need time.  Make sure everything is in order for a productive relationship and when some time has passed, you’ll be a catch for whomever finds you.

 

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Honesty is my co-pilot.

Result of a serious automobile accident.
Dishonesty.

Cause everybody wants to hide their secrets away
Nobody wants to stand up to the pain
But I will…

Good Charlotte-Secrets

Secrets can be like a car crash on a relationship.  Everything is fine one moment, then *BAM* everything is chaos seconds later.  Secrets are bad news for a relationship but I’m not saying you also need to give every little juicy detail either.

Some things aren’t secrets if the person holding the knowledge doesn’t think it’s relevant information (let’s say they feel this because the knowledge is currently unimportant to them).  For example, your boyfriend doesn’t need to know the size of your exes’ packages nor does your girlfriend need to know the secret techniques of your ex girlfriends.  This is information you wouldn’t voluntarily offer and it should only be brought up if you are ready for the consequences of providing that info.  The knowledge you may receive from asking a question can come back to bite you in the ass and really change the future of the relationship, so again, be ready to handle whatever you’re looking for when asking a personal question.

A secret is information that is purposefully withheld for two reasons:

1.  The information may bring judgment on then, which may result in the end of the relationship.

2.  The information may bring YOU pain or confusion and cause a rift in the relationship.

Either case is a fear if what MIGHT happen.  Secrets find a place in your mind and they sit there, conflicting with everything else you do and think until one day when you’re eventually forced to reveal that information and it’s turned from a rock into a mountain.  The longer you keep this inside you, the more you withdraw and the harder you have to work to keep this information private.  If you don’t lie, it becomes harder to skirt around the information.  If you do eventually lie about it, you now have two problems on your hands..the info, and the lie you told to cover it up.

Let’s assume you’re an honest person who wouldn’t even think of lying to the person you love.  If this is you, don’t keep secrets.  Be open and honest with everything that you do, and make sure information is volunteered and not protected.  Again, the juicy details of the past aren’t what we’re talking about here.  Just stick to the basics.

It can feel strange to try to decide what to tell and what not to tell our partners and it is important to have some thoughts and feelings that are personal, but if it’s information that you feel you HAVE to hide, it’s probably worth getting out in the open and doing your best to learn and grow from the experience.

It’s amazing what can happen when you put honesty up front.