Out of the frying pan and into the..bed?

Fostering military-to-military relationships a...

This is as emotional as most guys get with each other.

Sam wrote:

Sean,

I am a 30 year old male that is recently single.  I’ve always jumped from relationship to relationship and always been happier with someone than when I am single.  I’ve started reading that this may actually be the reason that my relationships don’t work-because I’m rushing into one after the other.  Why do people like me do this?  How can I change this?  I’d like to think that the next relationship I have will be a productive one.

Sam

 

Sam,

A major reason that GUYS are so quick to be in a relationship after one ends is that we’re historically pre-dispositioned to have our needs met by women.  We aren’t good at opening up to other men, so for the emotional connection, we open up to women.  When it comes to women getting into relationships quickly, it may be pressure from friends and family, a biological need to settle down and have children, a fear of being alone, or a combo of any of those.

Another reason both men and women jump into a relationship is to avoid the pain of being alone.  I know someone whose motto is “Why lick your own wounds when someone else can lick them for you.”  Baaaad motto.  The pain and loss in the end of a relationship is part of the grieving and recovery process.  You can evaluate yourself, the relationship, and your life..then learn what you can and eventually move on.  Every friend that has ever offered the advice of “give it time” is right on.  Time is the only thing that will help you be more productive in a relationship.  Instead of looking to someone else to “lick your wounds”, work on self-improvement and figuring out your life.

To find a more productive relationship you’ll also need to learn to be alone.  You may just be someone that feels a need to be around people all of the time, and that’s not a responsible way to go through life.  In order to have good relationships, you need to feel okay being alone.  It can be as simple as having one night a week to yourself at home (no phone calls or IM’ing either, cheaters) to just get stuff done, or relax.  It can be a workout and deep thoughts to yourself at the gym as well.  The point I am trying to make is that a relationship should be from the desire to be with a particular person, not the desire to not be alone.

The last step is to work on improving yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If you don’t have a filter on things you say, find one.  If you’re out of shape, get healthy.  If you don’t have a career, search for one.  If you are super emotional and get angry easily, see a therapist and fix it.  We all get rusty at life from time to time, but during these solitary moments, we can set things right and get back on track.

You’ll find someone eventually.  We all just need time.  Make sure everything is in order for a productive relationship and when some time has passed, you’ll be a catch for whomever finds you.

 

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