Bad ideas

In blue: Countries currently with KFC restaurants

The blue areas have KFC. Thought you should know.

Occasionally I get emails from people who write in asking for advice on bad ideas.  I have no idea where they get these concepts from..

Here are the latest 3:

1. Emily wrote:

Sean,

I grew up flatchested and am now 18.  I friend said I could pig out and gain a bunch of weight (like 40 lbs or so) to get “fat boobs”, then just diet like crazy and lose the weight and I’ll keep my boobs.  This seems WAY cheaper than plastic surgery, so I have to ask, do you think it’s a good idea?

Emily

Emily,

No, giving yourself “fat boobs” is not a good idea.  How the hell did this come up in conversation, anyway? I imagine this:

You:  I don’t like my boobs.  I wish there was a way to increase my bust size.

Friend (placing a box on the counter like in a commercial):  There is!  Fat Boobs, from Nice N Simple.  Just eat this ready made 4000 calorie meal every meal for 6 weeks to gain the proper weight, then take this colon blaster pill and you’ll be right back to normal!

You:  But won’t I lose my boobs?

Friend:  No, they’ll still be there!  I think..

(Cue friendly laughter and voiceover)

Voiceover:  Fat Boobs may cause stretch marks, high blood pressure, lack of sex life, heart attack, stroke, colon rupture, constipation, diarrhea, an addiction to KFC and death.  Results may vary.  Fat Boobs, now available at Wal-Mart!

The point I am trying to make is twofold:  1) There is no guarantee this will work to your benefit.  2) The risks outweigh the benefit.  I’ve never heard of this working for anyone (unless they had a baby and NO..that would also be a bad idea for you..).

Sean

2.  Anonymous wrote:

hey man,

i read back in your blogs and found the post about you contacting your exes-cool stuff.  i’ve always wanted to contact my exes to find out what they thought about our sex.  how could i go about doing that/finding these people?  there have been quite a few one night stands, so it’ll be tough..

anonymous

anonymous,

Don’t bother looking/asking about that.  It’ll only lead to heartbreak or a lower self-esteem.  Why am I saying this?  Lots of one night stands says to me your sexcapades are not as thrilling for THEM as they are for YOU, otherwise they’d be back for more.  The goal going forward is quality, not quantity.  Giving 400 women the “best 4 seconds of their lives” is still less than a half hour.

Sean

3.  Aimee wrote:

Minnesodad,

I read somewhere that men don’t go for women with kids and I have two (I am recently divorced).  With being new to the online dating thing, how wise would it be for me to leave that info off of my profile and then let them find out (or discuss it) later?  Just wondering-

Aimee

Aimee,

That’d be a horrible idea.  I’d liken it to a woman leaving off the fact that she has a penis.  (Yes, I went there..)  You leaving that info off of your profile and expecting others to “be OK” with everything that comes along with dating someone with kids (lack of money, lack of free time, kids around, more people to build relationships with eventually, etc.,) is opening yourself up to disaster.  That is a big surprise (like a penis would be) to be popping on someone who may not be ready for it.  True, there are some people who won’t date others with kids, but there are others that WILL and you want to ideally attract those types, not the ones who aren’t ready.  You’ve been out of the dating world for awhile, so I’ll just say this:  Take things slowly, be open and honest about everything, and don’t have any expectations of how things should go.  Good luck.

Sean

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Baa gull

I hate it when people pronounce “bagle (bay-gl)” as “baa (like the sheep/goat noise) gull”, and the same goes with “bag  (baag)” being pronounced as “baog” and “minute” said as “menut”

Anyway, that is totally off subject, just a random thing to point out.  Damn you KS95 morning DJ’s..get your vocab down.

 

Here was a letter from Dee who wrote in yesterday, but I couldn’t get to until today:

Sean,

I see all of these health products with the word “anabolic” on it.  Isn’t anabolic stuff illegal because it’s a steroid?  Did manufacturers just find a way around that or did the government get relaxed about steroids?

Dee

 

Dee,

On the contrary..the government is still against anabolic steroids.  The term “anabolic” refers to a synthesis-phase (or building-state) of metabolism where substances are absorbed into, and used in the body to build muscle tissue.  It is the opposite of catabolic which is more of “breakdown-state”.  I believe the word that was the danger here was steroids.  Anabolic steroids were steroids used to promote rapid muscle growth.  Anabolic steroids are still today illegal and banned in the US as well as almost every single sporting organization in modern countries.

Anabolic activity will allow muscle growth/promote muscle density and promote fat burning.  There are a ton of products out there that do this though, and you’ll want to make sure to research a few that are right for you.  If you’re a woman, stay away from any testosterone based supplements if you’re looking to slim down and maintain a feminine figure without building larger amounts of muscle.  If you’re a guy, testosterone supplements are fine, just read the label and educate yourself before taking them.  Protein with leucine (like GNC’s AMP Pro Performance Wheybolic 60) is an excellent protein to take if you’re not into supplements but still desire lean, dense muscle and increased stamina.    Leucine is an amino acid that helps with protein uptake and can stimulate muscle protein synthesis and is a basic tool in promoting anabolic states within the body.

I hope this helped.

Sean

 

 

Someone like you

I posted “Someone like you” from Adele on my Facebook page yesterday for the listening enjoyment of my Facebook friends, and a friend, who prefers to remain anonymous, wrote me this:

Sean,

Love the Adele.  Got a question for you and you can feel free to post this on the blog:  Adele’s song is about someone who can’t get over her ex and I’m in the same boat.  I can’t get over mine.  It’s been three years, two failed relationships, loads of therapy, and I still can’t help but to lie awake at night and wonder if he’s thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.  Do you have any advice on how to let go?  I am not sure if there is anything you could say to make this feeling go away, but I thought I’d ask. 

PS:  Your blog is a daily part of my life and I think you’re a wonderful person for doing this.

Anonymous (name changed upon request)

 

Anonymous,

Letting go of a past relationship is difficult.  In one hand you’re holding memories, emotions, promises and hopes in one hand and uncertainty and fear in the other, so it’s easy to choose the brighter of the two possibilities..but if it’s time to let go, sometimes it’s worth wading into uncertainty and fear if it means you’ll eventually grow from the experience.

I don’t know how your relationship ended but it appears as if it wasn’t your choice.  I’ve been there, and while it is a painful and harrowing experience, you WILL be fine-if you can just let go.  I have had wonderful moments and some disastrous endings, and no matter what anyone says, its okay to remember the wonderful moments because they make us who we are, but don’t hold them close to your heart.  Instead, treat them like a book..enjoy them for what they’re worth and then store them up on the shelf in the library of your life.  Some will collect dust and some will disappear, but the others will just stay there as a part of your collection.

You can lie awake at night and wonder endlessly how someone is feeling, but the truth is, if they felt as strongly as you did, they’d be next to you.  This person obviously doesn’t feel the same way anymore and has moved on..to a life without you.  If you to continue on through life always looking back at that relationship, it’ll be dangerous.  No one moves forward while always looking back.

Now, I know you relatively well so I’ll say this:  You’re a stubborn woman.  As long as I’ve known you and the men you’ve dated, you’ve been the stubborn one and I think it’s because you were hurt once and decided somewhere along the way that life would either be lived your way or the “wrong way”.  This time, let go of that stubbornness and stop living your life for your needs and start seeing the needs of other people.  Your ex needs you to let go as much as you need to let go.  Move on, let him be happy and you’ll be happy too, I promise.

Sean

Ok..Christian? (the most uninventive title ever)

Mingle

Mike231 wrote:

Sean

I read your “OKFRIENDLY” post the other day and felt the need to write.  I consider myself a strong Christian man and I am also an online dater.  I feel like Melissa Ann did but in a different fashion.  I state that I am looking for a strong Christian with even stronger morals and ideals and I get contacted by everyone BUT those types.  Even those that say they are Christian do things like drinking and listening to rock music, which is a huge turnoff in my book.  Am I doing something wrong?  I feel you were right in a way for Melissa Ann, but am I also a “moron” for wanting to find a Christian on a dating site?

Mike231

 

Mike231,

You’re not a moron.  I think the OkFriendly post was a bit different because MA was going on the DATING site looking for friends, where you are on a dating site looking to date.  The issue here is that your Christian ideals may be a little too strict for most.  I know plenty Christians that are strong and steadfast in their faith and ideals, but they listen to rock music and some even drink.  Now, this may be a big deal to you, but it isn’t to them, and I don’t think either of you are in the wrong for your actions.

That’s the beauty of life.  We can let people be what they want, let them believe what they want, and (as long as these things don’t hurt anyone mentally or physically) even do what they want.  You should realize that this strict framing of what you’re looking for may severely limit your dating pool on a mass-appeal dating site though, and you could even think about trying a Christian based dating company like E-Harmony or ChristianMingle.com to find something more along the line of what you’re looking for.  Look around and find the best site for your needs.

Sean

Police blotter madness

Theft. A vacuum valued at $1,700 was reported stolen in the 4400 block of Fountain Hills Drive NE.

Woah..that is a NICE vaccuum.

Theft. A purse with contents valued at $1,075 was reported stolen from the Burger King, 5020 160th St. SE.

Must have been that vacuum owner, grabbing a bite to eat.

Animal complaint. A snapping turtle was reported in the front yard of a home in the 2000 block of Marywood Lane. Police advised the caller to use a shovel to move it to a pond.

Yes, because it’s safer to move a SNAPPING turtle to a pond with murky water, where we can’t see it coming to bite us…

Animal concern. A woman in the 2400 block of Timberlea Drive was contacted by the police by phone after reporting a muskrat in her back yard. The woman was concerned because she’d never seen one in her yard before. Police advised the resident they would respond if the animal appeared to be aggressive or injured.

Ah yes, the age old riddle: If you’ve never seen a muskrat, how do you know there was one in your yard?

Suspicious activity. A resident of the 3800 block of Smithfield Curve reported that on two consecutive nights a grapefruit with a stick stuck through it had been left on the resident’s front step. Someone had also rung the door bell numerous times.

OMG run!  A killer is slaughtering your grapefruits!

Harassment.  A 20-year old Oakdale woman reported that a 22-year-old White Bear Lake woman has been harassing her on Facebook. The woman sent her five Facebook friend requests using different names within two days and was also “poking” her nonstop.

Police were all ROTFL and like “LOL, OMG, she should STFU and GTFO. “

Harassment.  A St. Paul man threatened to kill an Oakdale woman after learning how much child support he owes.

Uh dude, it’s YOUR kid..

Theft. A skid loader and a 9-foot snow plow were stolen outside Best Buy.

Wow, Best buy sells that crap now?  They must be hurting..

Property damage. A 25-year-old woman and a 22-year-old man reported that someone smashed eight windows on their trailer in the 6400 block of N. 56th Street. Some of the windows were struck by cucumbers. The damage was $1,000.

Mrs. Doubtfire and her “run by fruitings” struck again.

Theft. A passenger side window was broken on the 3000 block of Eagandale Place Dec. 30. A JVC stereo was taken.

Really?  Aren’t JVC stereos selling 3 for $1 these days?  That’s like calling police because someone stole your Motorola Razr.

Bomb Threat: Police responded to a report of a suspicious package on the 5500 block of Colfax Avenue. The bomb squad was called. It turned out to be a diaper bag. Police inventoried the contents.

Policeman retrieved a diaper and said, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Indecency: A suspect was seen masturbating on the 4900 block of Upton Avenue South, in the Fulton neighborhood.

Wow, the whole block?  Impressive.

June 7: A man stole approximately $30 from a tip jar at Crema Cafe. Patrons followed him to the YMCA on Blaisdell Avenue South and learned his identity. Police are investigating.

“Young man..there’s a place you can go.  I said young man..when you’ve just stolen dough.  You can stay there, and I’m sure you should hide.  The Police will have a good time….It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…”

Robbery.  An armed robbery at Good Day Café on the 5400 block of Wayzata Blvd.

Not a Good Day anymore..

OkFriendly?

Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Melissa Ann wrote:

Sean,

Am I crazy or all men just horny pigs?  I joined this site called OkCupid just looking to increase my friend pool and all I get are emails from guys looking to date.  Yes, I am single, but I state specifically that I am looking for friends.  What gives? 

Melissa Ann

 

Melissa Ann,

What gives is that you may be a moron.  OkCupid is a dating site like Match and the others.  See that “Cupid” in the name there?..he’s the Roman god of desire..that should be your first hint.  The second, is the thing that says “Join the best dating site on Earth” on the main page (I checked..it’s there).  If you’re looking for friends, try your library, Notfordating.com, Facebook, a bar..hell, even try Myspace, but don’t try a dating site.  It simply makes you stand out like a nudist in church.

Sean

On the corner of Toot Street and Fart Parkway.

no fart sign

Moroccan food.

I read THIS post and had to laugh at number 3 because (while he was talking about poop and mine is on the precursory actions) I totally agree, everyone needs to find a fart hideout at work.

Years ago, I worked in a cube next to a guy that had awful gas.  He’d have obnoxiously loud stomach growls and even occasionally let out a fart right at his desk (I presume the pressure was too much) and then try to cover it up by fake coughing.  Those of us all knew he’d farted..coughs don’t smell like rotten ass.

I have no idea what his diet consisted of (other than the occasional Burger King breakfast which would give ANYONE gas), but he was gassy every single day, and because we worked in a small office with micromanaging bosses who scouted for people to be away from their desks, he had nowhere to go “fart out” his troubles.  It was the telecom industry and managers somehow knew every time you popped your head up to head for the bathroom.  They’d bombard you with productivity reports and ask for daily progress as you were inches from the bathroom door, with your sphincter quivering in anticipation of sweet release once you were inside the solitude of the bathroom walls.  You’d be forced to stand there, ass-swallowing your fart back up into your intestines, as you quickly gave the manager the best answer you could, just to escape.

I felt bad for the guy.  He had nowhere to go..literally..

Every workplace should be lenient enough to allow freedom of movement.  People get gassy.  I am thankful every day for every fart spot I’ve ever had (once place even had a landing that I climbed with a ladder).  It’s not a bonus..it’s a necessity.  Everyone wants to fart when they have to and no one wants their neighbor to smell it (at least I don’t know of anyone who yells, “Smell THIS!”), so like the author of the article says, scout around and find a private spot you can blow out a few notes.  Hopefully your boss understands.

All in the plan.

In Simon Ushakov's icon of the The Last Supper...

"Yeah, and there's this Site called EHarmony..we need to pitch this to all Christians-Dammit Brian, stop trying to drink my wine!"

Stephanie wrote:

Sean,

You seem to be a realist.  I have read your blog over and over and you really want people to make their own destiny, and yet I can’t help but to feel sorry for you.  Why not just stop making people want to try so hard and instead ask them to sit back and let God bring someone good into their life?  That’s what I’m doing, and it really is the best way.

Stephanie

 

Stephanie,

And how’s that working out for ya, Stephanie?  The reason I don’t give them that tidbit of advice is because it’s never worked for anyone, not even in the Bible.  Nowhere in the Bible will you see God telling someone “Just sit back and do nothing, I got this one..”.  Yes, some Christians may believe that God is calling the shots in life (I totally disagree), and others may believe that your whole life is written out before you’re born (I also disagree), but sitting back and doing absolutely nothing would be the stupidest plan in the history of plans.  Why?  Let’s examine from the Biblical perspectives:

1.  You’re the “God calls the shots” type:  If God calls the shots and he had his own son bumped off, do you think he’d be really happy if you just sat back and did absolutely nothing, rather than get out there and be a good Christian and find someone to marry and have more good little Christians with?  I am sure he’d prefer that over the solo couch warming party.  Think about it..through the Bible, God tested people over and over again..and when they failed the test, they were bumped off.  To me, this says do anything BUT sit around.

2.  You’re the “All is decided for me before I was even born” type:  I wish this was the case, but go eat a Moroccan meal and you’ll see otherwise.  Two hours after your meal, when you’re sitting on your toilet, praying you survive what is happening to your rectum, you’ll realize that if everything was decided, there would be no mistakes and we’d all live life always moving forward, never looking backward or apologizing.  In other words, if God had everything planned, you’d never get that DWI you got in college..you’d never eat Moroccan food..and you’d never have let little Billy in 6th grade see your boobs for a dollar.  I find it hard to believe it’s all planned out, and if you go on believing that, you’ll settle for the first person that plays by those rules rather than finding someone you’d TRULY be happy with.

I am not against religion by any means, but I think people also need to pave their own path in life and let whatever religious principles they keep be a guide for their own actions and decisions.  Finding happiness is your responsibility and despite however difficult it may be, sitting back and doing nothing will not further your progress in any way.

Sean

Remember when MTV was cool? I do..

MTV, launched on August 1, 1981, playing music...

I remember when this stood for something.

How the hell has MTV managed to stay on the air with the crap they’re showing these days?  With shows ranging from “Teen Wolf” (yes, they destroyed Michael J Fox’s classic teen comedy), to “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom”, they’ve moved the M right out of MTV.  Now it’s just TV, and crappy TV at that.

Here’s what I remember about MTV’s glory days:

1.  I remember music videos.  I remember when an artist couldn’t get famous without them and MTV gloriously hyped the premiere videos from such artists as Michael Jackson, Guns N roses, M.C Hammer, and Korn.  We need more videos.

2.  I remember MTV Spring Break.  Hours were spent watching Pauly Shore (look him up youngsters) doing idiotic things and watching spring breakers dance in Daytona, Florida for MTV’s spring break.  In between spots, MORE videos played (awesome!), then it was back to the semi-nude women showing off at spring break.

3.  I remember when the MTV music/movie awards didn’t suck.  It was one of the biggest award shows around.  Anyone remember the Foo Fighters playing on top of Radio City Music Hall in 1997’s Music Awards?  Classic.

4.  I remember “Dead at 21”.  This little seen show was one of the first that MTV offered and it was a killer.  Jack Noseworthy was the star and it was a great show with great MUSIC.

5.  I remember MTV News.  Kurt Loder, SuChin Pak, Gideon Yago, Tabitha Soren, Chris Connelly, and a host of others brought us the lastest in music and world news.  As a young adult, I watched their news coverage more than any other network.  I even watched the Berlin Wall fall on MTV.  Hells yes.

6.  I remember “120 Minutes” and “Headbangers Ball”.  Before I rant on about this, let me just say that I hear 120 Minutes is coming back with Matt Pinfield (music genius) in 2011.  This is great news.  (Now I return you to the regularly scheduled rant..)  Both of these shows were absolutely incredible.  Whether it was a Sarah McLachlan interview or watching Pantera and Sevendust videos, both shows had a hardcore audience.

7.  I remember a day before Carson Daly and TRL.  Giving viewers a chance to rate music was an awful idea, yet it still exists in radio today.  The reason there is so much overplaying is because the people that want to watch/listen to that crap over and over have no life and can spend every hour on the internet or phone voting for the same damn song!  Take away voting and just play what is out there.  We have a non-cable music channel here right now in MN called CoolTV that plays TONS of videos with HUGE variety.  I love it when it changes from something like Kings of Leon to Neyo or Beyonce.  Change that shit up.

8.  I remember YO MTV Raps.  Ed Lover and some fat dude hosted a show about rap songs.  I watched.  I loved Busta Rhymes and Cypress Hill.  Good times.

9.  I remember Beavis and Butthead.  MTV made the mistake of playing the crap out of this show two or three times a day with multiple marathons throughout the years.  It was funny as a half hour show and just made you want to watch more videos..when overplayed, it became a phenomenon and everyone (usually when drunk) pulled their shirt over their head and acted like Beavis’s “Cornholio”.

10.  I remember the women VJs.  Hey, I was a teen, they were (mostly) hot.  Karyn Bryant, Julie Brown, Idalis, Duffy, Daisy Fuentes, Kennedy (so far the only NOT hot one), and Ananda Lewis were all hotties.  I remember talking on the phone to my friends and playing games of  “Hey, there’s Idalis nipping out”.  Hot stuff.

 

What we have from MTV today is nothing like it should be.  It’s essentially become a showcase of what’s wrong with the world today.  Instead of trying to better people through music, expression, and world events, we’re broadcasting another “My Sweet 16” or “16 and pregnant” marathon.  MTV sucks, they know it, and they don’t care.  They’re like the stinky kid in class that knows he stinks and yet, doesn’t do a damn thing about it.

 

Mommas Man

Medieval clothing style. History re-enactment.

A new way to view hot lunch.

Anonymous wrote:

Hi there.  Long time reader, first time writer.  I’ve got an issue here with my husband (of 1 year) and it’s driving me crazy.  He is a momma’s boy.  He talks to his mom three times a week, let’s her make the decisions WE should be making (what color to paint our living room, what kind of flooring to get, etc) and when I try to say anything, he gets defensive and acts like she’s a saint.  How do I tell him that at 34, he should be able to think for himself and that his mother isn’t in our marriage?

Anonymous

 

Anonymous

Momma’s boys can be hard to handle.  First, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with being close to your family and talking to them if they live nearby.  However, if they live 5 states away, I’d say talking three times a week is a bit much.  Your parents aren’t your best friends..they shouldn’t be..they’re your parents.  You’re also right in feeling upset when your husband lets his mom make the decisions that the two of you should be making.  The best bet here is to have a discussion and ask him why he feels the need to let his mother make the decisions.  Once he explains, let him know that you appreciate his mother’s input, but that you’d like to be the co-decision maker in the house since it is the two of you that are in the marriage, not his mother.  Explain that you love him and that you’ve been understanding and you’d like the same courtesies from him.  Hopefully you find a resolution soon..otherwise, enjoy the floral wallpaper.

 

Sean