Bad ideas

In blue: Countries currently with KFC restaurants
The blue areas have KFC. Thought you should know.

Occasionally I get emails from people who write in asking for advice on bad ideas.  I have no idea where they get these concepts from..

Here are the latest 3:

1. Emily wrote:


I grew up flatchested and am now 18.  I friend said I could pig out and gain a bunch of weight (like 40 lbs or so) to get “fat boobs”, then just diet like crazy and lose the weight and I’ll keep my boobs.  This seems WAY cheaper than plastic surgery, so I have to ask, do you think it’s a good idea?



No, giving yourself “fat boobs” is not a good idea.  How the hell did this come up in conversation, anyway? I imagine this:

You:  I don’t like my boobs.  I wish there was a way to increase my bust size.

Friend (placing a box on the counter like in a commercial):  There is!  Fat Boobs, from Nice N Simple.  Just eat this ready made 4000 calorie meal every meal for 6 weeks to gain the proper weight, then take this colon blaster pill and you’ll be right back to normal!

You:  But won’t I lose my boobs?

Friend:  No, they’ll still be there!  I think..

(Cue friendly laughter and voiceover)

Voiceover:  Fat Boobs may cause stretch marks, high blood pressure, lack of sex life, heart attack, stroke, colon rupture, constipation, diarrhea, an addiction to KFC and death.  Results may vary.  Fat Boobs, now available at Wal-Mart!

The point I am trying to make is twofold:  1) There is no guarantee this will work to your benefit.  2) The risks outweigh the benefit.  I’ve never heard of this working for anyone (unless they had a baby and NO..that would also be a bad idea for you..).


2.  Anonymous wrote:

hey man,

i read back in your blogs and found the post about you contacting your exes-cool stuff.  i’ve always wanted to contact my exes to find out what they thought about our sex.  how could i go about doing that/finding these people?  there have been quite a few one night stands, so it’ll be tough..



Don’t bother looking/asking about that.  It’ll only lead to heartbreak or a lower self-esteem.  Why am I saying this?  Lots of one night stands says to me your sexcapades are not as thrilling for THEM as they are for YOU, otherwise they’d be back for more.  The goal going forward is quality, not quantity.  Giving 400 women the “best 4 seconds of their lives” is still less than a half hour.


3.  Aimee wrote:


I read somewhere that men don’t go for women with kids and I have two (I am recently divorced).  With being new to the online dating thing, how wise would it be for me to leave that info off of my profile and then let them find out (or discuss it) later?  Just wondering-



That’d be a horrible idea.  I’d liken it to a woman leaving off the fact that she has a penis.  (Yes, I went there..)  You leaving that info off of your profile and expecting others to “be OK” with everything that comes along with dating someone with kids (lack of money, lack of free time, kids around, more people to build relationships with eventually, etc.,) is opening yourself up to disaster.  That is a big surprise (like a penis would be) to be popping on someone who may not be ready for it.  True, there are some people who won’t date others with kids, but there are others that WILL and you want to ideally attract those types, not the ones who aren’t ready.  You’ve been out of the dating world for awhile, so I’ll just say this:  Take things slowly, be open and honest about everything, and don’t have any expectations of how things should go.  Good luck.



Baa gull

I hate it when people pronounce “bagle (bay-gl)” as “baa (like the sheep/goat noise) gull”, and the same goes with “bag  (baag)” being pronounced as “baog” and “minute” said as “menut”

Anyway, that is totally off subject, just a random thing to point out.  Damn you KS95 morning DJ’s..get your vocab down.


Here was a letter from Dee who wrote in yesterday, but I couldn’t get to until today:


I see all of these health products with the word “anabolic” on it.  Isn’t anabolic stuff illegal because it’s a steroid?  Did manufacturers just find a way around that or did the government get relaxed about steroids?




On the contrary..the government is still against anabolic steroids.  The term “anabolic” refers to a synthesis-phase (or building-state) of metabolism where substances are absorbed into, and used in the body to build muscle tissue.  It is the opposite of catabolic which is more of “breakdown-state”.  I believe the word that was the danger here was steroids.  Anabolic steroids were steroids used to promote rapid muscle growth.  Anabolic steroids are still today illegal and banned in the US as well as almost every single sporting organization in modern countries.

Anabolic activity will allow muscle growth/promote muscle density and promote fat burning.  There are a ton of products out there that do this though, and you’ll want to make sure to research a few that are right for you.  If you’re a woman, stay away from any testosterone based supplements if you’re looking to slim down and maintain a feminine figure without building larger amounts of muscle.  If you’re a guy, testosterone supplements are fine, just read the label and educate yourself before taking them.  Protein with leucine (like GNC’s AMP Pro Performance Wheybolic 60) is an excellent protein to take if you’re not into supplements but still desire lean, dense muscle and increased stamina.    Leucine is an amino acid that helps with protein uptake and can stimulate muscle protein synthesis and is a basic tool in promoting anabolic states within the body.

I hope this helped.




Someone like you

I posted “Someone like you” from Adele on my Facebook page yesterday for the listening enjoyment of my Facebook friends, and a friend, who prefers to remain anonymous, wrote me this:


Love the Adele.  Got a question for you and you can feel free to post this on the blog:  Adele’s song is about someone who can’t get over her ex and I’m in the same boat.  I can’t get over mine.  It’s been three years, two failed relationships, loads of therapy, and I still can’t help but to lie awake at night and wonder if he’s thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.  Do you have any advice on how to let go?  I am not sure if there is anything you could say to make this feeling go away, but I thought I’d ask. 

PS:  Your blog is a daily part of my life and I think you’re a wonderful person for doing this.

Anonymous (name changed upon request)



Letting go of a past relationship is difficult.  In one hand you’re holding memories, emotions, promises and hopes in one hand and uncertainty and fear in the other, so it’s easy to choose the brighter of the two possibilities..but if it’s time to let go, sometimes it’s worth wading into uncertainty and fear if it means you’ll eventually grow from the experience.

I don’t know how your relationship ended but it appears as if it wasn’t your choice.  I’ve been there, and while it is a painful and harrowing experience, you WILL be fine-if you can just let go.  I have had wonderful moments and some disastrous endings, and no matter what anyone says, its okay to remember the wonderful moments because they make us who we are, but don’t hold them close to your heart.  Instead, treat them like a book..enjoy them for what they’re worth and then store them up on the shelf in the library of your life.  Some will collect dust and some will disappear, but the others will just stay there as a part of your collection.

You can lie awake at night and wonder endlessly how someone is feeling, but the truth is, if they felt as strongly as you did, they’d be next to you.  This person obviously doesn’t feel the same way anymore and has moved a life without you.  If you to continue on through life always looking back at that relationship, it’ll be dangerous.  No one moves forward while always looking back.

Now, I know you relatively well so I’ll say this:  You’re a stubborn woman.  As long as I’ve known you and the men you’ve dated, you’ve been the stubborn one and I think it’s because you were hurt once and decided somewhere along the way that life would either be lived your way or the “wrong way”.  This time, let go of that stubbornness and stop living your life for your needs and start seeing the needs of other people.  Your ex needs you to let go as much as you need to let go.  Move on, let him be happy and you’ll be happy too, I promise.


Ok..Christian? (the most uninventive title ever)


Mike231 wrote:


I read your “OKFRIENDLY” post the other day and felt the need to write.  I consider myself a strong Christian man and I am also an online dater.  I feel like Melissa Ann did but in a different fashion.  I state that I am looking for a strong Christian with even stronger morals and ideals and I get contacted by everyone BUT those types.  Even those that say they are Christian do things like drinking and listening to rock music, which is a huge turnoff in my book.  Am I doing something wrong?  I feel you were right in a way for Melissa Ann, but am I also a “moron” for wanting to find a Christian on a dating site?




You’re not a moron.  I think the OkFriendly post was a bit different because MA was going on the DATING site looking for friends, where you are on a dating site looking to date.  The issue here is that your Christian ideals may be a little too strict for most.  I know plenty Christians that are strong and steadfast in their faith and ideals, but they listen to rock music and some even drink.  Now, this may be a big deal to you, but it isn’t to them, and I don’t think either of you are in the wrong for your actions.

That’s the beauty of life.  We can let people be what they want, let them believe what they want, and (as long as these things don’t hurt anyone mentally or physically) even do what they want.  You should realize that this strict framing of what you’re looking for may severely limit your dating pool on a mass-appeal dating site though, and you could even think about trying a Christian based dating company like E-Harmony or to find something more along the line of what you’re looking for.  Look around and find the best site for your needs.


Police blotter madness

Theft. A vacuum valued at $1,700 was reported stolen in the 4400 block of Fountain Hills Drive NE.

Woah..that is a NICE vaccuum.

Theft. A purse with contents valued at $1,075 was reported stolen from the Burger King, 5020 160th St. SE.

Must have been that vacuum owner, grabbing a bite to eat.

Animal complaint. A snapping turtle was reported in the front yard of a home in the 2000 block of Marywood Lane. Police advised the caller to use a shovel to move it to a pond.

Yes, because it’s safer to move a SNAPPING turtle to a pond with murky water, where we can’t see it coming to bite us…

Animal concern. A woman in the 2400 block of Timberlea Drive was contacted by the police by phone after reporting a muskrat in her back yard. The woman was concerned because she’d never seen one in her yard before. Police advised the resident they would respond if the animal appeared to be aggressive or injured.

Ah yes, the age old riddle: If you’ve never seen a muskrat, how do you know there was one in your yard?

Suspicious activity. A resident of the 3800 block of Smithfield Curve reported that on two consecutive nights a grapefruit with a stick stuck through it had been left on the resident’s front step. Someone had also rung the door bell numerous times.

OMG run!  A killer is slaughtering your grapefruits!

Harassment.  A 20-year old Oakdale woman reported that a 22-year-old White Bear Lake woman has been harassing her on Facebook. The woman sent her five Facebook friend requests using different names within two days and was also “poking” her nonstop.

Police were all ROTFL and like “LOL, OMG, she should STFU and GTFO. “

Harassment.  A St. Paul man threatened to kill an Oakdale woman after learning how much child support he owes.

Uh dude, it’s YOUR kid..

Theft. A skid loader and a 9-foot snow plow were stolen outside Best Buy.

Wow, Best buy sells that crap now?  They must be hurting..

Property damage. A 25-year-old woman and a 22-year-old man reported that someone smashed eight windows on their trailer in the 6400 block of N. 56th Street. Some of the windows were struck by cucumbers. The damage was $1,000.

Mrs. Doubtfire and her “run by fruitings” struck again.

Theft. A passenger side window was broken on the 3000 block of Eagandale Place Dec. 30. A JVC stereo was taken.

Really?  Aren’t JVC stereos selling 3 for $1 these days?  That’s like calling police because someone stole your Motorola Razr.

Bomb Threat: Police responded to a report of a suspicious package on the 5500 block of Colfax Avenue. The bomb squad was called. It turned out to be a diaper bag. Police inventoried the contents.

Policeman retrieved a diaper and said, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Indecency: A suspect was seen masturbating on the 4900 block of Upton Avenue South, in the Fulton neighborhood.

Wow, the whole block?  Impressive.

June 7: A man stole approximately $30 from a tip jar at Crema Cafe. Patrons followed him to the YMCA on Blaisdell Avenue South and learned his identity. Police are investigating.

“Young man..there’s a place you can go.  I said young man..when you’ve just stolen dough.  You can stay there, and I’m sure you should hide.  The Police will have a good time….It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…”

Robbery.  An armed robbery at Good Day Café on the 5400 block of Wayzata Blvd.

Not a Good Day anymore..


Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

Melissa Ann wrote:


Am I crazy or all men just horny pigs?  I joined this site called OkCupid just looking to increase my friend pool and all I get are emails from guys looking to date.  Yes, I am single, but I state specifically that I am looking for friends.  What gives? 

Melissa Ann


Melissa Ann,

What gives is that you may be a moron.  OkCupid is a dating site like Match and the others.  See that “Cupid” in the name there?..he’s the Roman god of desire..that should be your first hint.  The second, is the thing that says “Join the best dating site on Earth” on the main page (I’s there).  If you’re looking for friends, try your library,, Facebook, a bar..hell, even try Myspace, but don’t try a dating site.  It simply makes you stand out like a nudist in church.


On the corner of Toot Street and Fart Parkway.

no fart sign
Moroccan food.

I read THIS post and had to laugh at number 3 because (while he was talking about poop and mine is on the precursory actions) I totally agree, everyone needs to find a fart hideout at work.

Years ago, I worked in a cube next to a guy that had awful gas.  He’d have obnoxiously loud stomach growls and even occasionally let out a fart right at his desk (I presume the pressure was too much) and then try to cover it up by fake coughing.  Those of us all knew he’d farted..coughs don’t smell like rotten ass.

I have no idea what his diet consisted of (other than the occasional Burger King breakfast which would give ANYONE gas), but he was gassy every single day, and because we worked in a small office with micromanaging bosses who scouted for people to be away from their desks, he had nowhere to go “fart out” his troubles.  It was the telecom industry and managers somehow knew every time you popped your head up to head for the bathroom.  They’d bombard you with productivity reports and ask for daily progress as you were inches from the bathroom door, with your sphincter quivering in anticipation of sweet release once you were inside the solitude of the bathroom walls.  You’d be forced to stand there, ass-swallowing your fart back up into your intestines, as you quickly gave the manager the best answer you could, just to escape.

I felt bad for the guy.  He had nowhere to go..literally..

Every workplace should be lenient enough to allow freedom of movement.  People get gassy.  I am thankful every day for every fart spot I’ve ever had (once place even had a landing that I climbed with a ladder).  It’s not a’s a necessity.  Everyone wants to fart when they have to and no one wants their neighbor to smell it (at least I don’t know of anyone who yells, “Smell THIS!”), so like the author of the article says, scout around and find a private spot you can blow out a few notes.  Hopefully your boss understands.