On the corner of Toot Street and Fart Parkway.

no fart sign
Moroccan food.

I read THIS post and had to laugh at number 3 because (while he was talking about poop and mine is on the precursory actions) I totally agree, everyone needs to find a fart hideout at work.

Years ago, I worked in a cube next to a guy that had awful gas.  He’d have obnoxiously loud stomach growls and even occasionally let out a fart right at his desk (I presume the pressure was too much) and then try to cover it up by fake coughing.  Those of us all knew he’d farted..coughs don’t smell like rotten ass.

I have no idea what his diet consisted of (other than the occasional Burger King breakfast which would give ANYONE gas), but he was gassy every single day, and because we worked in a small office with micromanaging bosses who scouted for people to be away from their desks, he had nowhere to go “fart out” his troubles.  It was the telecom industry and managers somehow knew every time you popped your head up to head for the bathroom.  They’d bombard you with productivity reports and ask for daily progress as you were inches from the bathroom door, with your sphincter quivering in anticipation of sweet release once you were inside the solitude of the bathroom walls.  You’d be forced to stand there, ass-swallowing your fart back up into your intestines, as you quickly gave the manager the best answer you could, just to escape.

I felt bad for the guy.  He had nowhere to go..literally..

Every workplace should be lenient enough to allow freedom of movement.  People get gassy.  I am thankful every day for every fart spot I’ve ever had (once place even had a landing that I climbed with a ladder).  It’s not a bonus..it’s a necessity.  Everyone wants to fart when they have to and no one wants their neighbor to smell it (at least I don’t know of anyone who yells, “Smell THIS!”), so like the author of the article says, scout around and find a private spot you can blow out a few notes.  Hopefully your boss understands.


All in the plan.

In Simon Ushakov's icon of the The Last Supper...
"Yeah, and there's this Site called EHarmony..we need to pitch this to all Christians-Dammit Brian, stop trying to drink my wine!"

Stephanie wrote:


You seem to be a realist.  I have read your blog over and over and you really want people to make their own destiny, and yet I can’t help but to feel sorry for you.  Why not just stop making people want to try so hard and instead ask them to sit back and let God bring someone good into their life?  That’s what I’m doing, and it really is the best way.




And how’s that working out for ya, Stephanie?  The reason I don’t give them that tidbit of advice is because it’s never worked for anyone, not even in the Bible.  Nowhere in the Bible will you see God telling someone “Just sit back and do nothing, I got this one..”.  Yes, some Christians may believe that God is calling the shots in life (I totally disagree), and others may believe that your whole life is written out before you’re born (I also disagree), but sitting back and doing absolutely nothing would be the stupidest plan in the history of plans.  Why?  Let’s examine from the Biblical perspectives:

1.  You’re the “God calls the shots” type:  If God calls the shots and he had his own son bumped off, do you think he’d be really happy if you just sat back and did absolutely nothing, rather than get out there and be a good Christian and find someone to marry and have more good little Christians with?  I am sure he’d prefer that over the solo couch warming party.  Think about it..through the Bible, God tested people over and over again..and when they failed the test, they were bumped off.  To me, this says do anything BUT sit around.

2.  You’re the “All is decided for me before I was even born” type:  I wish this was the case, but go eat a Moroccan meal and you’ll see otherwise.  Two hours after your meal, when you’re sitting on your toilet, praying you survive what is happening to your rectum, you’ll realize that if everything was decided, there would be no mistakes and we’d all live life always moving forward, never looking backward or apologizing.  In other words, if God had everything planned, you’d never get that DWI you got in college..you’d never eat Moroccan food..and you’d never have let little Billy in 6th grade see your boobs for a dollar.  I find it hard to believe it’s all planned out, and if you go on believing that, you’ll settle for the first person that plays by those rules rather than finding someone you’d TRULY be happy with.

I am not against religion by any means, but I think people also need to pave their own path in life and let whatever religious principles they keep be a guide for their own actions and decisions.  Finding happiness is your responsibility and despite however difficult it may be, sitting back and doing nothing will not further your progress in any way.