Police blotter madness

Theft. A vacuum valued at $1,700 was reported stolen in the 4400 block of Fountain Hills Drive NE.

Woah..that is a NICE vaccuum.

Theft. A purse with contents valued at $1,075 was reported stolen from the Burger King, 5020 160th St. SE.

Must have been that vacuum owner, grabbing a bite to eat.

Animal complaint. A snapping turtle was reported in the front yard of a home in the 2000 block of Marywood Lane. Police advised the caller to use a shovel to move it to a pond.

Yes, because it’s safer to move a SNAPPING turtle to a pond with murky water, where we can’t see it coming to bite us…

Animal concern. A woman in the 2400 block of Timberlea Drive was contacted by the police by phone after reporting a muskrat in her back yard. The woman was concerned because she’d never seen one in her yard before. Police advised the resident they would respond if the animal appeared to be aggressive or injured.

Ah yes, the age old riddle: If you’ve never seen a muskrat, how do you know there was one in your yard?

Suspicious activity. A resident of the 3800 block of Smithfield Curve reported that on two consecutive nights a grapefruit with a stick stuck through it had been left on the resident’s front step. Someone had also rung the door bell numerous times.

OMG run!  A killer is slaughtering your grapefruits!

Harassment.  A 20-year old Oakdale woman reported that a 22-year-old White Bear Lake woman has been harassing her on Facebook. The woman sent her five Facebook friend requests using different names within two days and was also “poking” her nonstop.

Police were all ROTFL and like “LOL, OMG, she should STFU and GTFO. “

Harassment.  A St. Paul man threatened to kill an Oakdale woman after learning how much child support he owes.

Uh dude, it’s YOUR kid..

Theft. A skid loader and a 9-foot snow plow were stolen outside Best Buy.

Wow, Best buy sells that crap now?  They must be hurting..

Property damage. A 25-year-old woman and a 22-year-old man reported that someone smashed eight windows on their trailer in the 6400 block of N. 56th Street. Some of the windows were struck by cucumbers. The damage was $1,000.

Mrs. Doubtfire and her “run by fruitings” struck again.

Theft. A passenger side window was broken on the 3000 block of Eagandale Place Dec. 30. A JVC stereo was taken.

Really?  Aren’t JVC stereos selling 3 for $1 these days?  That’s like calling police because someone stole your Motorola Razr.

Bomb Threat: Police responded to a report of a suspicious package on the 5500 block of Colfax Avenue. The bomb squad was called. It turned out to be a diaper bag. Police inventoried the contents.

Policeman retrieved a diaper and said, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Indecency: A suspect was seen masturbating on the 4900 block of Upton Avenue South, in the Fulton neighborhood.

Wow, the whole block?  Impressive.

June 7: A man stole approximately $30 from a tip jar at Crema Cafe. Patrons followed him to the YMCA on Blaisdell Avenue South and learned his identity. Police are investigating.

“Young man..there’s a place you can go.  I said young man..when you’ve just stolen dough.  You can stay there, and I’m sure you should hide.  The Police will have a good time….It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…”

Robbery.  An armed robbery at Good Day Café on the 5400 block of Wayzata Blvd.

Not a Good Day anymore..