If that’s moving up then…IIIIIIIIIII’m movin’ out.

Katrine wrote:

Sean,

I have a dilemma:  I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend of 8 months.  Now, a year later, we’ve discussed marriage but we’re at a crossroads.  We don’t go out as much as we used to, I don’t see my friends for happy hours several days a week like I used to (it’s one day at the most), I don’t have the free time that I used to, and I certainly don’t have the extra money that I used to.  That’s just one part of the problem, the other part is that my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind all of this.  He’s okay with having the same issues because he says that is “what relationships are about”.  Being broke, alone, and bored is a relationship?  No thanks.  What do I do to wake him up?

Katrine

Katrine,

I’ve answered questions like this before and I’ll say the same thing..

Unfortunately, it appears as if it’s YOU that needs the waking up here Katrine.  A healthy relationship will almost always mean a social exodus of sorts.  You said you still go out for happy hour with your friends once a week?  That’s great, actually..most people in healthy relationships don’t even have time for that.  “Being broke” as you put it is also a subjective thing.  Did you mean you have less spending money because of living expenses and saving for future endeavors like marriage?  If so, that’s part of the deal too.  There are always expenses and if you weren’t diligent about keeping on top of things, props to your boyfriend for helping you become more responsible in that area.  You’ll eventually figure that part out and money will free up as time goes by.

You’re missing the idea of a relationship Katrine.  A relationship is a foundational construction of a friendship that will hopefully become a lifelong friendship/love.  You’ll eventually get to know this person better than he knows himself and he should be able to say the same for you.  Your friends won’t provide a relationship on that level, so it’s naturally going to mean you’re putting your focus on the BF relationship and not the happy hour relationships.  Whatever expenses that come along with it are part of the deal if you want to make it work.  If you are unable to stop being self-centered and thinking of your boyfriend in a lesser capacity than your friends, your relationship WILL fail.  What you need to do is make up your mind:  Do you want a single life with daily happy hours, money and friends, or do you want a happy, loving , successful relationship.  You can’t really do both..it simply doesn’t work that way.  Friends will always be friends and they should understand that a boyfriend/husband/wife relationship is the most important relationship on which to focus.  Hopefully, they’re successful in their relationships as a result.

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