Antisocial Networking

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

What I want from a social networking site.

So Google+ is about to roll out to the general public and I still have no real clue as to what Google+ is.  All I currently know about social networking is that Myspace is virtually dead, Google+ is coming, and Facebook is huge (and everyone hates them).  Why?  Because Facebook essentially sucked us all in, took away our customization and privacy and told us to suck it and stop whining.

That said, here is what I would want from a social networking site:

1.  Boot-ability- The ability to boot people off for either being friend whores (2000+ friends or more) or for being antisocial (it’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people are not social networking sites and are not open to meeting new people).

2.  Individual picture privacy- Want to show everyone BUT your mom the picture of your mooning at spring break?  Don’t block the whole damn album, just the individual picture.

3.  Relationship transparency- The inability to hide relationship statuses.  If you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t hide it.  Facebook has ruined more relationships than all of porn combined as a result of allowing users to hide status.

4.  Anti-ville, anti-in, anti-fan- No check-ins, fan pages, or annoying game invites- I don’t care if you’re at Pizza Hut while liking Zac Effron and playing Farmville.  Don’t invite me to tag along.  Just leave the site to individual pages, business pages, and groups.

5.  Bi-level privacy-  You either show your profile to everyone or make it invisible to all.  None of this individual invisibility crap..though blocking someone would be allowed.  It’d even come with a nifty “You’re blocked A-hole” stamp when the blocked user tried to see your page.

6.  Middle name honesty- Is your legal name really Sandy AllIWannaDoIsPartaaay Miller?  No?  Then grow the hell up and either list or don’t list your middle name.  Douche.

7.  YouTube awesomeness- No ability for outside IT groups to block embedded YouTube videos.  If I am viewing Facebook and my company allows it, it should allow all embedded video to play as well.

8.  The end of craptastic phone apps- Android’s Facebook app SUCKS, Iphone’s isn’t much better, and don’t even get me started on the Windows versions.  Just give the mobile site full functionality to anyone with a smartphone.  That means your search key works on all phones, people can view embedded video on all phones, and the damn wall works on all phones.

9.  Chat deletion- I am not talking about deleting a conversation, I am talking about users having the ability to permanently or temporarily remove the chat function from their profile.  If you don’t use it, why have it?  No group chat or friend circles either.  I hear Google+ has that…ugh…stupid.

10.  Advertise me not- No friend suggested ads.  I don’t really care if Ashley on my friend list likes Tucks Medicated Pads for Hemhorroids..I’m not buying them.  On a side note, there was never an Ashley on my Facebook list that liked Tuck’s Medicated Pads..that I know of..

11.  Advertise me not part 2 (the digital boogaloo)- No temporary pages for new/upcoming movies, band releases, etc.  Either have a permanent page or use other ways within the site to promo your spiffy new zombie porno flick starring the Backstreet Boys.

12.  Faker patrol- A dedicated (well..awake at least, unlike Facebook) IT staff that rifles through profiles daily and deletes fake users.  Dane Cook is on my friend list right now and I can tell he’s not fake because half of the crap he posts is sometimes totally inappropriate (but funny), like his comedy.  Jenna Jameson posing as “Mary Peterson from Duluth, looking for hot girls” is most definitely a fake.

13.  Easy deletion- One click goodbye is all we need.  Even a little red button that, when pressed, shows a screen of a mushroom cloud and reads, “Boom!  There goes your social life sucka!  Now go be productive and get some exercise!” would be good.

14.  Simple invites- I don’t care that 83 of my friends are attending the “Walter Matthau: The Early Years 1285-1920” film festival. If they were invited, let that be between them and whomever invited them.  Now, if they want to invite me, just add me to the list.  Cranky old men are funny.

15.  Easy search-  Let me search by age, name, sex, relationship status, location, job, or education.  I shouldn’t have to type in all sorts of qualifiers to get to that search either.  If I want to search for Central High School alumni, let me just do that and click the year I graduated to find my results.  If I want to look for singles, age 25-29 in French Krablackia, let me do that, and if I want to search for the Melissa that served me my coffee, let me search in a radius for all of the Melissas that work at “BeanFlicker Coffee” in the metro zip code.

So there’s my two-cents.  Social networking is so hated because it’s nothing like we want it, yet we have no REAL alternative.  Now, I’ve told you what I want, what would YOU want?