My comments below each one in italics. Here we go:
Drunken driving. A woman drove her vehicle into a stall for an oil change at National Tire and Battery, 1305 Crystal Lane. Employees notified police because they suspected she was intoxicated. Her preliminary breath test indicated a reading of .32 blood-alcohol content. She was arrested for drunken driving.
Damn, I can barely get into those slots sober. That’s talent.
Theft. A bird bath was stolen from the yard of a home on the 7800 block of Maple Hill Road.
Somewhere, a very muscular bird bathes in private..
Suspicious person. Someone reported there was a man wearing a black mask in the back yard of the complainant’s home on the 22600 block of County Road 117. Officers found him and learned that he was from mosquito control and was spraying in the area.
For future reference, Darth Vader doesn’t wear a backpack sprayer, people.
Fire. A portable toilet fire was reported at Five Hawks Elementary School, 16620 Five Hawks Avenue S.
This just in. Five Hawks Elementary has portable toilets.
Property damage. Two Colorado blue spruce trees, each about 6 to 8 feet tall, were snapped off at their bases, and a patio table also was broken in the 1000 block of 15th Avenue. N. The damage appeared not to have been caused by the wind.
Or Paul Bunyan.
Disorderly conduct. A 28-year-old Plymouth man was arrested for disorderly conduct after he was seen naked in his yard, according to police reports.
Damn, a man can’t air his dong in the wind anymore?
Theft. A unicycle was stolen from the front yard of a home on the 20700 block of Radisson Road.
Jojo the idiot circus boy still at large.
Theft. A Dodge Charger was stolen in the 1700 block of S. Robert Street.
Bo and Luke Duke wanted for questioning. If you see them call Sheriff Rosco P Coltrane.
Suspicious situation. Someone in the 9000 block of Heron Avenue reported an unknown person lurking around their house. Police were unable to find anyone.
The neighbor, a man in a bowler hat, said he saw nothing as he twirled the tip of his long moustache..
Safety concern. An alligator reportedly was sighted in a pond near the 10th tee at the Prestwick Golf Course, 9555 Wedgewood Drive. Police arrived to find the owner of the alligator looking for the animal in the pond. The owner stated that the alligator had escaped from his residence. Police issued a citation to the owner for keeping or harboring an alligator in the city of Woodbury. The owner later found the alligator, according to police reports.
Oh hell. I was pissed that my neighbor has a pit bull..this would be MUCH worse.