This past weekend, I heard some moron on the radio saying 88 degrees was “fantastic weather”. I will gladly disagree with that. In 88 degree weather, people sweat in places that shouldn’t sweat on a regular basis, a “sheen” develops on people’s skin that makes even handshakes seem like a disgusting sexual experience, and having a beer becomes more like a chore than a treat. 88 degrees sucks (not as bad as 98 Degrees did..haha), and yet weather people make it seem like it’s happy, comfy, pleasant weather. LIES!…all LIES!
Most Americans feel 88 degrees and think, “Hmm, my thighs are drippy..I should go back in the house or get into some water.” Weather people seem to be catering to the small number of Americans that feel 88 degrees and think, “Wow, 88 degrees! I can’t tell if that’s my armpit sweat or back sweat dripping down into the back of my shorts, but it’s refreshing!”
Here are a few other points that weather people should keep in mind when reading forecasts:
1. Anything above 75 is hot…HOT. These are also known as douchebag temperatures because the Ed Hardy wearing douchebags start showing up at the lake to ruin the fun for everyone.
2. Anything under 65-75 is not “cooler”. THAT is the “beautiful day” range that gets everyone outside.
3. Anything in the 55-65 degree weather is “perfect sleeping weather”. Open those windows and enjoy. Don’t tell people to wear a jacket or to bundle up. Old people can’t hear what you’re saying anyway, so talk to the rest of us.
4. Rainy weather isn’t miserable. It’s simply time to play indoors..like when it rained over recess back in our childhood. Don’t bring everyone down.
5. Snow sucks. Yeah, the first snowfall is beautiful, but after that, snow sucks even if it’s a dusting. Learn to hate it as much as the rest of us.
6. Some people need to stop doing the weather. Enough said. To those of you not watching WCCO, let’s say there’s a tornado coming. Some of them will spend 15 minutes talking about the cloud shapes above their grandma’s house and about 10 seconds talking about the tornado that is about to relocate you to Canada. They talk just to talk and he suck. WCCO is still awesome though. Don Shelby oozed enough coolness there to last a lifetime.
7. Don’t go outside to show off your fancy-schmancy garden or some sort of hi-tech screen. Just tell me if the weather will be hot, crappy, perfect, cool, or any combination of the above.
8. Your radar is all the same. I don’t care if it’s the “Channel 11 SuperMegaFantasmaDoppler” or the “Channel 9 UltraInfiniAwesome-O Doppler” radar. It tells you what the sky is doing then you tell us what we can expect. Big deal…
9. Speaking of telling us what to expect, don’t be so reliant on your technology. I am sure you know how pissed people get when you say things like “It’ll be the blizzard of the century, better say your goodbyes tonight..” or “It’ll be sunny today with a high of 65 so get out and enjoy your fantastic day” and the opposite ends up happening. Somewhere in the sunny winter weather there is a kid with a snowball, and somewhere in that rainy spring downpour there is a woman waiting to push your face into a mud puddle. If you’re not sure, just tell us.
10. Unless you’re FOX 9’s Keith Marler, don’t make jokes. Keith is the king of entertaining morning weather. He’s quirky, funny, and just plain entertaining. His humor makes even the crappiest of forecasts seem tolerable whereas other weather people will crack a joke and squirm through the delivery, leaving the rest of us to feel like we’ve been morally violated. It’s like watching a sports guy talk about movies. They don’t know movies (unless it’s sports movies), and anything they say outside of sports seems like a waste of time.
11. Eye candy. A beautiful/handsome weather person is always helpful as well, but for God’s sake, find some intelligent ones. Chikage Windler is a perfect of a smart and attractive weather woman. I watched a weather person in South Carolina that looked like a Hollister model but made me wish I was deaf, so I muted the broadcast and put on some music. Weather people should be smart AND informational as well as attractive. Keith Marler is the only one that should be funny…because he was born that way.
Hopefully, you can share this and hopefully, weather people will read it and take note. Don’t even get me started on TV sports casters.