I read your lefty/righty pee post and I was reminded of a story that I wanted to share with you. Two years ago, I was riding my bicycle when I was hit by a car. I broke both of my legs as well as both of my arms and 8 of ten fingers. Luckily I was wearing a helmet. Anyway, I was in the hospital for days in multiple casts, unable to move, and with a catheter inserted since I couldn’t get up. After a several more days, I was transferred to a new floor and was told I could use a wheeled chair-like thingy to scoot to the bathroom. What they didn’t tell me was how I was supposed to clean myself if I went #2. After finally eating solid food again, I felt the urge-yes, THE urge. I carefully scooted off of my lowered bed and used the wheely chair thing to slide effortlessly into the bathroom. It really wasn’t that painful to move around and frankly, it felt good to be back on wheels.
My girlfriend was in the room at the time and offered to help me, but in my stubborn, drug-infused stupor, I told her I could do it myself. I was a man, dammit.
I relieved myself and sat there, relaxing on the toilet, when all of a sudden it hit me. How was I supposed to wipe with my hands, arms, and legs in a cast? I couldn’t even reach back to flush! I frantically looked around for another “easy use” flush button to press, but no luck. I was SOL.
“Umm..” I said loudly, hoping my girlfriend would hear.
I heard her snicker. “You need me to flush?” she asked.
I responded, “Uh, I’m going to need a little more help than that.”
She was silent. The reality must have hit her at that point.
“I don’t know,” I continued. “Maybe I should call the nurse.”
“No,” she blurted out. “I could never look her in the face knowing she had to do that for you. I’ll do it.”
She slowly opened the door and peered in at me. There I sat, arms and legs outstretched, like a hard, plaster teddy bear. I must had had the most pathetic look on my face because she instantly started laughing.
“I can’t believe I am doing this,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
She slowly pulled me forward and peered into the porcelain abyss.
“Jesus,” she scowled. “It was a wet one huh?”
“Just do it honey,” I sighed.
She leaned me further forward as she balled up some toilet paper in one hand. With one quick swoop, she reached down and wiped.
“Eeeeeew,” she said. “This is so gross.”
“Keep going,” I said, reassuringly. “Just a few more.”
She balled up another couple of wads and took a few swipes.
“One more,” I said. “I just want to make sure it’s clean.”
She pushed me further forward to wipe a final time but the pain from being pushed that far forward was too much and I bucked backward, throwing her off balance. Her hand slipped from my back and plunged, elbow deep into the toilet’s mucky depths and her face slid down the wall as I felt the contents of the toilet spill all over my back. The dirty water splashed out of the toilet and all over my girlfriend as she shrieked.
She screamed in utter disgust. A nurse happened to walk in at that exact moment and saw our predicament. My girlfriend was standing up, covered in excrement water and trying not to get sick from what had just happened. I was still there, half on the toilet in my teddy bear pose with a dirty gown and backside.
The nurse scolded me, saying, “I am here to help you with these things. You really need to buzz me for things like this. Let’s get you and your girlfriend cleaned up.”
They washed me down and got the toilet flushed, then got my girlfriend out of her crap stained clothing and let her bag her stuff in a garbage bag after slipping into a gown. She used my phone to call her brother and he brought her new clothes.
She didn’t dump me, surprisingly, and we’ve now been married for 6 years. I healed, I bike again, and I feel my marriage is stronger than most people’s. Why? Once you’ve been arm deep in someone else’s crap, there is really no lower point the relationship can reach. We’ve realized that everything is relative and haven’t even had an argument since that day. Just thought you’d want to hear this story.
Thanks Frank! Great story!