Acceptance

Mitch wrote:

What’s up?  I just started reading your blog and I had to write in to ask some advice.  I was blindsided by a breakup about a year ago and I’ve been having issues getting over here.  She still calls me and says she wants to visit (she lives in HI..Navy Girl..), but then also says she doesn’t know what she wants and says we can’t be together.  I’ve blown off dates because she’s called, I’ve ruined the start of several “could be” relationships because she’s been in touch, and all in all, talking with her stresses me out and makes me depressed..but I cna’t let go..I love her.  How do I deal with this?

Mitch

 

Mitch

You can’t let go because you love her?  No you don’t.  You love the idea of her.  My guess is that you keep reminiscing about the old times and it makes you want that again.  Want to know a secret?  It will never be like the old times…they’re gone and the door has closed on that part of your life.  Talking with her just keeps opening that door just far enough for you to peek at the good times of the past enough to want it, only to have her slam it in your face.  Meanwhile, life is happening all around you every single day.

You said it best Mitch, you’re depressed and you can’t let go.  The relationship failed, and for whatever reason, you’re afraid of letting go and having no one to turn to, and from the sound of it, she is too.  You two have a codependent addiction to each other and it needs to stop.  Your BEST bet here is to change your number, but before you do, delete her name, number and email from everything you can.  Toss old pictures, things she gave you, and anything that reminds you of her.  Wipe the slate clean and start over.

At first, you’ll think of her and you’ll worry about her, but that will pass.  You’ll go on dates now that she isn’t around to stop you with a phone call.  You’ll then dread getting a phone call or email from her, but you’ll eventually forget her email address and phone number.  You may even remember the good times from time to time, but instead of being there in the first person, it’ll feel like you’re watching two other people through a window.  Eventually, you’ll just have a few faded memories left.  You will have accepted that she is no longer an active part of your present-she’s a part of your past, yes..but not the present.  Stop looking back and start looking forward.  You can do better than a failed relationship.

Sean

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