In secret

Yale Environmental Science Center


Chris K wrote:


I am having a breakup issue.  I was dating this wonderful woman (Claire) for two years and we suddenly fell apart.  She had gotten accepted to Yale and I was stuck in college here, so we went our own ways and we’ve been broken up for almost two years.  The problem is that she and I still talk and it’s driving me crazy.  She said we’d always be friends when we split up, but every time we talk it turns into “I miss you” and “I think about you” from me, while she tries her best to fend me off until she gets me frustrated and we end up arguing.

I don’t want to be friends with her.  I want to be with her.  I think she wants to be with me too, otherwise, why would she call once a month or every other month?  Does she really think we can be just friends after dating for two years?  It’s killing me.  I have blown off things with friends because I’ve been upset after a phone call or because she didn’t call when she said she would.  I find myself sulking in secret and withdrawing from things I had going well for me here.

How do I fix this?  Will we be together?  How do we make this work?

Chris K


You don’t make this work.  I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’ve broken up and there is no going back.  Very rarely do breakups turn into relationships again and turn out successfully.  From the sound of it, she is doing all she can to be a friend to you and your actions may worry her, so she calls to make sure you’re okay.  You seem to think she wants more than friendship, but everything you explained above says to me that she doesn’t want the same thing.

If she’s “fending you off” or things turn into an argument because you won’t stop pursuing her, it’s not equal ground here Chris.  She wants to see you happy and you’re turning it into an obsession. You’re withdrawing from social activities?  You’re sulking and waiting for her to call?  You’re single..move on….she has.  You’re obsessing over something you can’t have.  You had two years with a woman you cared for.  Let it go and move on.  There is nothing good that can come from hanging on like this.