No drinks

FHG91 wrote:


I just started seeing a guy (well going on dates with him by your definition), and recently found out he doesn’t drink alcohol.  One our first date, he declined a drink as we ate dinner and I didn’t think anything of it.  Our second date was a movie so we didn’t have a chance, our third date was bowling with some of my friends and no one likes piss-beer, so we skipped it, but now-4 dates (three weeks) in, he told me last night that he doesn’t drink.  When I asked him if he had ever had an alcohol problem, he said no, but then said he just didn’t like the taste. 

I come from a family of beer swilling midwesterners whose idea of a great weekend is boating and pounding through a 24 pack of Busch Light.  How am I going to take along this guy who will likely decline every beer tossed his way for an entire summer?  I don’t want to say this is a dealbreaker, but it seems like it would be too weird to handle.  Does that make me a bitch?




No it doesn’t, but it DOES seem like it may be a dealbreaker for you.  I’ve dated people in the past that don’t drink, and

I want this in my belly.

while I don’t come from a beer swilling type of family (we sip..gently..or gulp), I have encountered similar situations in the past.  It was usually my parents offering my girlfriend some wine or a drink before dinner and she’d decline.  My parents were always understanding and I’d hope yours would be too.  What the other relatives do is beyond our realm of worries.  IF your parents are the “if you’re not drinking beer you’re crap” kind of folk, then it may cause some larger issues. If you feel like avoiding these issues, then by all means, let the guy go now before things get more serious.

However, if you feel like things with this guy are going well and that you want to take things further on down the relationship road, then you’ll have to figure out how to approach this with your guy and with your family.  The ONLY thing I CAN advise os to ask him to stop saying he “doesn’t like the taste”.  It just seems a little childish.  No one likes the taste of alcohol when they start drinking, they just suck it up until they get used to it.  If it were me, I’d just say “I don’t drink” and leave it at that.  Your call though.




Dogs and cats

Allison wrote:

So what is your beef with dogs anyway?  I am 27 and own a dog and am pretty damn happy.  I am single, but can at least say I am not a crazy cat lady.




I don’t have a beef with dogs, I just don’t like them.  I also don’t dislike ALL dogs..just some.  To me, single people are almost identical to their pets.  Let me show you:

1. Cats
Independent and confident in their cuddly abilities.

Cat owners
Independent and confident in themselves.

Needy, attention starved.

Dog owners
Needy, attention starved.

2. Cats
Comfortable chasing things, smelling your shoes, cleaning themselves, or playing “attack the paper bag.”

Cat owners
Comfortable having “nights in”, take good care of themselves, and can play hard at times too.

Leave them alone and they eat your Xbox, shoes, or remote.  Play until they break something.  Poor hygiene.

Dog owners
Get into trouble on their own, poor hygiene, eat just about anything, don’t know when play time is over.

3. Cats
Playful until annoyed, then they lash out and walk away.

Cat owners
Nice until annoyed, then they lash out and go away to cool off.

A mixed bag of emotion.  Humping your leg one minute, then seconds later, trying to eat it.

Dog owners
A mixed bag of emotion.  Humping your leg one minute, then seconds later, attacking you with a blender.

4.  Cats
Say about a single person:  I am comfortable, confident, secure, non-stinky, well mannered, and a perfect mate.

Say about a single person:  Play with me!  Play with me!  Let me hump your leg!  Just pay attention to me!

5.  Cats
Fun and cuddly.  All they leave behind is random puke piles and fur.

Stinky and slobbery.  All they leave behind is fur, chewed up slobbery toys, poop they didn’t finish eating, and absolute destruction.

Again, this is a generalization and I am not against dogs.  I personally am not a fan of many of them, but dogs can be great for families, for the disabled, and for the elderly.  I, however, am not disabled or old and we like cats in my family.

Chickens and such.

JT wrote:

I have a issue maybe you can help me with.  We have a friend Dan that we have nicknamed “Dangina” because he is basically the biggest puss any guy could ever be.  He cries at everything..and yet he gets laid.  What is this nonsense, you may ask?  It’s true, he does.  I can’t figure out how a guy that is so overly emotional and such a big baby can get as much attention from the women as he does.  Do you have any idea what his secret is or does he just have a giant wanger?

"Chicken." "No, you are!"




I am sure a “giant wanger” may help in some cases, but not all.  Chances are, your friend Dan is able to spot women that like emotional guys and he zeroes in on them.  You and your other friends may not have a clue as to what you want and you’re all over the board while Dan and his teary eyes are moving the hearts of a select few. I don’t have enough info here to tell you why he is so emotional, but I’d venture a guess that he knows it’s effective in getting what he wants, much like a two year old throwing a tantrum.

“Wanger” issues aside, you seem to be a bit jealous of your friend’s success, so I’ll just leave it with this piece of advice that a friend once gave me:  “If you chase every chicken in the coop, you’ll have a hard time catching one…but if you find the prize hen and keep your eyes on her, you’ll have your hands full in no time.”


Fishing in the dark

Jason wrote:


Is it true the a woman’s hoo-hoo gets stretched out when they give birth?  My friends and I are 23 and the first one of us guys just became a father a few months ago.  When he seemed grumpy, I asked him why and he said sex was awful now that his wife’s cootch was stretched out.  I thought skin snapped back?  Isn’t that why it’s so bendy in the first place?  Does my friend’s wife have something wrong, or are all men destined to have horrible sex lives after kids?




Mick JaggerSkin is like a rubber band, but it doesn’t snap back like one.  Over time, it can also lose shape and stretch out.  For a good example, look at an old person’s arms.  Collagen sinks away from the body and the skin loses elasticity.  Now, I am not really sure how much collagen is down THERE (ahem), but I do know that it is pretty common to lose shape after childbirth.

If you’d like to see what I mean, you could take a football, stick it up your butt, then push it out.  Your butt should then resemble a deflated cheese souffle (or Mick Jagger’s face).  The skin stretches past the elasticity point and takes quite a while to get back into shape.  It’ll never be “just like it was” but it’ll be close. Also, you’re being douchey by asking if there’s something “wrong” with his wife.  Sex isn’t bad after having kids, it just needs to adapt.  Or, maybe your friend just has a tiny tool to work with?  Either way, he (and you) need to learn to adapt to change.  It can be fun.

Crazy quotes..

I occasionally get emails that are either unanswered (as I search for more information from the author), too inappropriate to post, or just too confusing to even pursue.  I call them “lost causes”.  In my emails, ‘lost causes” included, I also get strange/funny quotes that are sometimes too good not to post.  I’ve gathered up the best from all of my unposted pieces and listed them below. Thanks for the laughs.  Here they are:

“I’m not a slut, I just like to outsource my orgasms.”

“And there he was whackin away like he was trying to start a fire.”

“Body heat so hot it made my ass crack sweat.”

“Semenal nose plugs.”

“With abs so cut you could grate cheese for crotch nachos.”

“Her lips looked like two giant hotdogs.”

“He’d have to have balls the size of Pluto, you know, since it’s not a planet.”

“So I smacked her ass with the candle..”

“I mean, who wants the smell of tuna on their coat?  Besides cats..”

“After two beers was stark naked and cursing at a sign pole.”

“I couldn’t believe it fit up in there.”

“She had back hair.  Lots.”

“She swallowed the popsicle WHOLE, without even blinking. Not the stick though.”

“There was a ton of it, everywhere.  Even on the plants.”

“He farted, and I swear to god, the house buckled.”

College rules

Randi wrote

I have been in a relationship with a guy for over 2 years and I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore. We’ve been through a ton, we are in love, but I feel like I’m not in it anymore.  Also, I’m going to college next year and don’t really know if we’d last through that.  There’s also been this guy that is going to my college next year that has really been flirting with me too.  I don’t know what my life would be life without my boyfriend, but I don’t know if going for this new guy would be right either.  It’s kind of confusing and I don’t know what to do, can you help?



Don’t use the, “Well we’re going to college next year..” breakup.  It’s the most cowardly approach you can take.  Yes, people change in college..and yes, most high school relationships rarely make it through college, but don’t use THAT as an excuse to pursue someone else.  If you genuinely feel it isn’t working, let him know.  If you feel like you want to eventually date other people since you’re young, let him know.  Just don’t use the college’s lame.  I’d also advise against jumping from one relationship into another (i.e., breaking up with someone just to pursue someone else) because it simply isn’t healthy to not take time off in between relationships.  Look at my past posts and you’ll find that this has been a topic I’ve discussed at length in the past.

The Breakup
Ooh shit, someone's going to get stabbed...

As far as a fear of dating someone new or giving up a high school relationship for the unknown, it’s always scary to let go.  That feeling will never go away, but how you handle letting go as a young adult will determine how maturely you handle breakups from that point on.  If you end this one badly, it can set in motion a chain of events that will may damage your relationships in the future.  Your best bet is to be honest with yourself and honest with him.  Good luck.



So I was at Target yesterday with Olivia as we waited for her mom to come pick her up and I saw a man (with a kid in his backseat) driving very aggressively.  He sped into the teller lane, then quickly reversed and narrowly avoided T-boning two cars.  He stopped for a second, then sped in a reverse U-turn (almost running over a woman who jumped out of the way) into a parking spot.  She was standing up when the man got out of his car and he walked over and shoved her.  Another smaller man was coming out if the bank and saw him and this driver guy walked up, assaulted the man and pushed him several times into the bushes.

I looked over at Olivia and told her to stay in the car, then got out.  I asked the two people if they were okay as they took photos of the man’s car..they said they were fine.  Just then, the man came out of the bank and freaked out.  He swore, called us cowards and then charged me.  I deflected his first punch and dodged another, then grabbed his sleeve and spun him around.  He turned back and dove for my waist, at which point I pulled a “Happy Gilmore” and pulled the back of his sweatshirt up over his head.  I then threw him into a pole and he dropped his credit cards.  I wanted him to know I was controlling the situation but didn’t want to fight to I let him go gather his credit cards and he charged me again.  I deflected two more swings and grabbed his collar and twisted it saying, “You need to back off!  LET IT GO.”  I let go of his collar and he walked toward the car, pushed a woman and kicked the woman’s husband in the legs. With 3 angry men walking toward him, he jumped into his car and sped away.  The police showed up and two cars left to go track the man down.  The third officer received a distress call that the man was attacking them at his home.  They subdued him and brought him over to identify.  It turns out he had flown into a rage after being laid off,  and was just looking for a fight. 

I made sure Olivia was okay as I answered some questions.  She said she was scared for a bit, but the officer told her I was a hero for stepping in to make sure the two victims didn’t get hurt further.  Olivia seemed happy to hear that. She also got a free teddy bear.

I don’t like violence.  I try to avoid situations like this, but I also feel that people today don’t intervene often enough when people are in danger, so I stepped up.

What is the lesson to learn here?  Its bad enough to be laid off, but getting arrested for multiple assault charges won’t help you find another job any faster.