Police Blotter

More wacky stuff has been happening in my neck of the woods.  Take a look (my comments are below each one in italics:

Theft. A 26-year-old woman was caught trying to steal a bag of circus peanuts from Mills Fleet Farm, 5635 Hadley Av.
People really eat those crappy orange things?  I just thought they ground them up and used them for blown insulation in new homes.

Suspicious activity. Police received a report of a vehicle with three occupants parked in the area of Morning Dove Avenue and 40th Street. Police advised the complainant the vehicle was involved in an operation they were working on.
Psst…to the cops doing the stakeout on Morning Dove Ave..your cover is blown.  Repeat..your cover is blown.

Possible prowler. Police checked on a report of a man hiding behind vehicles in the 4000 block of Elm Drive. He was later observed entering a house after watching a female leave it. Police contacted the man who explained he found out he wasn’t needed at work that day but didn’t want to let his wife know.
Psst…to the unemployed husband on Elm Drive..your cover is blown.  Repeat..your cover is blown.

Theft from vehicle. An iPhone valued at $500 was reported stolen in the 14300 block of Waterfall Court NW.
This just in:  A piece of crap is now valued at $500.

Assault. An arrest for simple assault was made in the 18900 block of Euclid Path.
Isn’t assault always pretty simple?  Could it really be any easier?  “Here, lay down sir, I’m going to punch you in the face.”

This is how it was typed.  Apparently, no one knows about “caps lock” in New Market.

Robbery. Two pit bull puppies were stolen from a woman at a home on the 3600 block of Aldrich Avenue N. The suspect also punched her in the head, knocking her to the ground, the report said.
Wow, if she’d only had some sort of aggressive guard dog to protect her..wait a minute..

Theft. Someone stole the baby Jesus from a nativity scene in a yard on the 600 block of 115th Avenue NE.
THE baby Jesus?  He came back and was just hanging in someone’s yard?  If you find him, tell him to let his dad know I’m still waiting for my winning Powerball..

Threats report. Police received a report about a patron of No-Neck Tony’s, 231 Myrtle St., threatening to “knock out” another person in response to comments about his parking ability.
No-Neck Tony’s sounds like a place where this probably happens often.