Men are dogs. I am a cat.

Bucket-headed dog
"I know there's a woman in here, I heard her when I barked!"

Men are very much like dogs, which is why I don’t have a dog.  My guy friends keep me entertained enough.  Dogs are concerned with five things:  food, sleep, pissing/crapping, playing, and humping something…just like guys.  A typical guy’s day consists of eating, sleeping, crapping/pissing on or in something, playing and hopefully humping something.  An ideal day is he can do two or more of those things in one shot.  Dogs can also be trouble makers.  Leave a dog alone in the house for a day and he’ll bark at random people and maybe even chew or pee on some valuables while at the same time humping your shoe.  Needless to say, if you don’t pay enough attention to a typical guy, he’ll run off and make trouble for himself. The average daily goal of a dog is to slobber on something and to try to make a big mess.  Dogs are also idiots when it comes to aggression.  After a few warnings, they simply rip, gnaw, and gnash their way out of a fight and hope for the best.  Guys are the same thing.  They show signs of frustration and then explode without a care for the repercussions of their explosion (they essentially call you fat or make fun of your friends..guys that have crossed THAT line know the punishment that awaits).

i know ive promised to lay down the cat pics, ...
"What'd you call me muthaf-er?"

Women are like cats, which is why I like cats.  Cats are independent and intelligent and their day consists of five things as well:  food, sleep, working (hunting something..even if it’s a laser light beam), playing, and relaxing (thinking).  A woman can go almost the entire day without thinking of sex because she has her priorities straight and knows there are other things that NEED to get done before she starts stuff she WANTS to get done.  Cats don’t even need a ton of attention.  They may come around when they need some food, or sometimes just to cuddle, but they get right back to business when all is said and done.  If you don’t pay enough attention to a cat, it won’t run off and make trouble, it’ll just pester you until you give in to its demands.  How many cat owners have been awakened by a cat pawing at the bedroom door at 3AM and have sworn a blue streak opening the door only to be subdued by the purring, cuddly friend that awaits behind it.  Cats are clean, tidy, and quiet.  When cats get aggressive, they prowl around, looking for the best way to attack..then they pounce and cause immense pain with tiny jabby claws…much like women.  When women get upset, they’ll think for a bit (this is also known as “looking out of the window”) and then they’ll verbally attack with emotional jabs (“you never take me anywhere” or “you don’t introduce me to your friends”) and seek to cause pain before you finally give up.

Now, these are stereotypical descriptions and there are people (myself included) that are often the opposite, but it’s becoming more and more rare to find these types of people.  So where do we go wrong in relationships?  We go wrong when we find a cat and try to turn it into a dog.  We secretly want a dog, but we found the cat cute or playful or romantic and so we try to turn that cat into a dog.  But, no matter how hard we try, we will never succeed.  That cat won’t bark and that dog won’t purr.  It just doesn’t work that way.

The next time you are getting to know someone, take a good hard look at what your NEEDS are and try to discover if that person can meet your needs (and no, getting your ass spanked while wearing a clown costume is not a’s a WANT..jackass).  If this person has many of your WANTS and very little NEEDS, there is a good chance you’ll find yourself single a short time later.  However, if you take your time and find someone that meets your NEEDS, you’ll have a better chance at making that relationship permanent.  No one will meet 100% of your needs, but shoot for 80% and you’ll be fine.