Mommy dearest

BMD23 wrote:

I have a major dilemma and I am hoping you can give me some advice.  My mom has never liked my husband.  She feels we got married too young (22) and that we started dating too young (18) and that I need to find a “nice, rich man” to take care of me.  I don’t want that.  I am going to be finishing college soon (my husband too), and we have plans of both going out into the business world to make something of ourselves.  We’re not rich by any means, but we make things work and we’re deeply in love.  We even bought a house together shortly after we got married.  That..is where the problem lies.  I’ve never known my dad and my mom had always hopped around to different apartments in town year after year.  Well, apparently she ran out of apartments, because she begged us to let her move in.  We said yes and our life has been hell ever since.  Shortly after moving in, my mother started bossing us around, started a “curfew” for us, refused to pay anything but rent, and started nagging us about little issues.  She is also really rude to him and really nice to me at times.

Now, we’re a year into things and my husband and I had our first fight.  He wants her to move out and I don’t know if that’s a good idea.  When I hesitated on agreeing with him, he said it was either going to be her or him that left.  That started the fight.  Now, I don’t know what to do.  Should I ask my mom to leave even though she’s been there for me my whole life or do I put my husband in his place and hope my mother finds somewhere else to live eventually?  I don’t want to make either one mad, but I am afraid I’ll have to choose.

BMD23

Happy Mother's Day Mom!
He's not allowed to smile. It's not smiling day.

BMD23

You should politely ask your mother to leave.  You and your husband have your life in order and have things working in your favor, and she seems to have driven a wedge into that.  She can’t seem to get her life together and she is pushing all of her frustration onto you.  She’s essentially trying to get her life in order by controlling you and your husband.  She isn’t chipping for her fair share of groceries and utilities either (judging from what you said), so I’d politely ask her to find another place to live.  She’ll be mad, she may get emotional, but you made a promise to your husband to stand by him through good times and bad and you need to keep it.  Your mom needs to get over it and realize you two are adults.  You made the decision to get married, you own a house (which says a TON considering you’re in your early 20s), and you’re being responsible young adults and finishing school.  She needs to get back out on her own and mind her own business.  Hopefully, you and your husband can recover quickly after she’s gone.

Sean

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Push

Anonymous9 wrote:

Sean,

I really enjoy your perspectives on things and I wanted to run something by you.  I have a friend that was been looking to get her life in order (she’s a 32 year old “gamer” that was severely overweight and who has lived with her parents her whole life but was now trying to get her life on track) and she asked me for help.  I am by no means as fit as you (think “Ryan Gosling and a half” with much less muscle), but I have been working out regularly and eating right for the past 6 months in an attempt to change my life. 

When my friend asked me for help, she seemed so determined to get things turned around for her, but as we progressed, she seemed to back away from her goals.  She’d make excuses, she’d find other obligations to take her away from the goals, and she became very defensive of things.  When I’d push her to come run with me or to work out, she’d get upset and tell me to not pressure her, almost as if she had already given up but didn’t want me to know. The weird thing was that she broke up with her boyfriend (also severely overweight) because he “wasn’t trying to be healthy”, and yet, she wasn’t either.  In fact, she was doing everything BUT what she’d set out to do. She would also pine over these hot guys at the gym, knowing full well they’d never go for a woman in her shape.  She seemed to think that personality would win out and I politely reminded her that personality is what keeps people there-attraction is what brings them in in the first place.  I believe you’d said that once or I read that somewhere.

I eventually gave up on helping her.  I told her that if she couldn’t stick with things, I wasn’t going to be there to shell out advice and have her not use it.  I told her I knew she wasn’t happy being overweight and living with her parents and that I was trying to be a good friend and help her find her health and happiness, but if she wouldn’t listen, she would be responsible for finding her own motivation.  A year passed and she’d gotten fatter and still hadn’t moved out.  She called me out of the blue and cried to me about how she needed help because she just wanted to find someone and be happy.  I told her that she needed to move into my apartment and get her feet on the ground on her own first.  She did, and I was a drill seargant friend.  I woke her up every morning at 6am to run and workout.  She’d fuss, she’d get mad, and we had horrible fights.  She’d threaten to move out and I’d tell her to go..but she’d stay anyway.  I taught her to cook, I taught her to clean, and I taught her how to have a proper date. 

Now, two years later, she is 100lbs lighter and in a really great place.  She even sold her PS3!  She works out several times a week, she eats right, and she is doing well professionally and in her dating life.  The guy she found is pretty good too, it’s my brother.  He came for a visit one time and the two of them hit it off.  They’ve been pretty serious for the last 6 months and the future looks good.

She and I have a great friendship too.  It was really difficult, and she got horribly mad at times, but she’s better off now, and I am thankful I was determined enough to make it happen for her.  I saw through her insecurities and her low self-esteem, and I saw the person she was trying to be.  I motivated her, I pushed her, and I helped her gain a new sense of self.  I just wanted to pass that along for anyone that is in a similar situation with a friend or family member.  Keep pushing them while showing them you care and hopefully they’ll come through like my friend did. 

I even pushed myself.  I am almost as trim as Mr. Gosling.  I have to say it’s pretty spectacular how far I’ve come.  Maybe I’ll send pictures sometime for your readers to see.

Thanks for being an awesome motivation for people.

Anonymous9

 

Anonymous9

Thank you for reading.  Great story.  Yes, it can be hard to stay motivated when giving up is so much easier, but the end result is always better than the work in progress.  Success with ANYTHING requires determination, motivation, and discipline.  For anyone out there looking to improve the quality of life, keep the end goal in mind and always be working toward that goal.
Sean