Grab bag

Marcus wrote:

I have a female friend that I have known all of my life.  We are really close friends and have never crossed that line until recently and now its become weird. 

We were at a bar playing pool and a group of us were all goofing off.  I made a comment about having the “biggest balls” in the group and this girl (my friend) grabbed my sack and said yes they’re a good size.  She has never done anything like that before and now it has me confused.  Deep down I have always liked her but we were “just friends”.  What do I do here?

Marcus

Marcus
This is why I have said it is impossible for guys and girls to be “just friends”..one is always attracted to the other.  You have been attracted to her and didn’t cross the line.  She may or may not have found herself attracted to you, but she did cross the line. 

Its time you two talked.  Explain to her your feelings and also let her know the nut exam blurred the line of friendship and you’d like to know where she is at with things.  You two both may end up revealing feelings for each other or you may put things back on the friend track.  Either way, talking is better than living in a cloud of confusion.

Sean

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The herbs..

Huyen wrote:

Sean,

I know you are a healthy guy, but do herbs and homeopathic things really work?  My mom has been nagging me to take them for years and I just don’t want to put anything in my body that may harm it, so I go to the doctor instead.  Who is right here?

Huyen

Huyen,
I am a firm believer in finding alternatives to antibiotics, because, in most cases, antibiotics are worse for you than actually strengthening your immune system and letting your body fight off the sickness.  Do I think there is an herb that will magically cure cancer?  Absolutely not… but I DO think there are better ways to fight off things like strep throat and colds than taking doctor prescribed medicines. 

I don’t know what your mom is asking you to take, but I’d research each thing on the internet or ask an herbalist about them.  Herbs and homeopathy don’t work for everyone, but they could potentially be a good (and healthier) alternative for many people.

Sean

Music, man..

Here are a few songs in rotation on my Ipod..

 

Kavinsky-Nightcall

College-A Real Hero

FM Attack-Sleepless Nights

Niki and the Dove-Tomorrow

Regina Spektor-Don’t Leave Me

The Switch

Mryte27 wrote:Sean,

I need your help!  I am so confused right now.  I’ve been dating a girl for three weeks now and two nights ago, after we finally became intimate, she suggested I “switch out” and dater her twin sister instead.  I thought this girl and I were really hitting it off but she said she wasn’t into it, so she wanted to make sure I was going to be able to be with someone I was still attracted to.  I left that night not knowing what to say, and I still don’t really know what to do.  Was I just auditioning to date this girl’s sister?  Did this girl ever really care about me?  What gives?

Mryte27

ON THE LEFT!! FOR GOD’S SAKE, CHOOSE LEFT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mryte27,

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you this is how some porn movies start, but I just can’t bring myself to say it.  This is just CREEPY.  I can’t even to begin to guess why this girl wants you to date her sister.  It’d be one thing if she wasn’t into you and later on you ended up dating her sister, but to have her actually suggest her sister as an alternative is just plain weird.  Forget the fact that you once liked this girl, just back away…back away now, before this gets even more odd.  You deserve better, and even if the sister is better, you deserve better than that.

 

Sean

Hello kitty

Anonymous wrote:

Sean,
I have a dilemma.  I have been dating “Sue” for 8 months and we have a great relationship, except for one thing…Sue is obsessed with collecting Hello Kitty things and its ruining how I feel about her.

When I say obsessed, I don’t mean she has a shelf full of Hello Kitty stuff, I mean she has an entire apartment full of HK themed stuff ranging from sheets and silverware to a TP holder and coat hooks.  I can’t tell you how awful it is to wake up between HK sheets, or to squirt hand soap from a HK soap dispenser.  I feel my testosterone die more and more each day.

Here’s the kicker: We are 34!  This isn’t like some cute high school thing, she is a grown woman!  I have tried to talk with her several times about this and when we talked about moving in together about a month ago, I told her I couldn’t do it unless she confined HK to one room only.  Her reaction is always the same, she pouts and cries and tries to get me to feel sorry for her, almost like her HK pieces are people that I am asking her to unfriend.

I don’t know what to do here and I am afraid if I don’t get a handle on this, things may end quickly, and on a bad note.

Anonymous

Anonymous,
I know a few adults with theme obsessions.  HK, popular bands, movies, and even sports/comic memorabilia.  Personally, I collected comics in high school, like it was a business, but I didn’t hoard them..and I think that is where the line is often blurred.  Some women like Joe Mauer from the Twins, but I have yet to meet one that would wipe their ass with Joe Mauer themed toilet paper.  As an adult, we need to know where to draw the line.

For some reason, these theme obsessed people seem to believe that the more things they collect, the more complete their life may be.  Its almost as if each piece is a part of a jigsaw puzzle and they want to complete it.  What they don’t realize is, for most people, life isn’t completed by objects, its completed by the relationships they form and the love they are shown.

I like supplements, and I am sure some people would say that I have a larger than average selection, but I keep my selection trimmed, I get by with lots of samples, and I don’t buy things I can’t use.  I don’t always buy the new “thing”, I don’t spend money when money is in short supply, and I use up what I purchase.

You have two choices here.  You can back away now and tell her its too much, or you can tell her how you feel and suggest you both attend couples therapy to discover an effective method to deal with this issue.  I wouldn’t advise tackling this in solo sessions because it really does seem like something you need to fix as a team, so you may really need to do some convincing to get her to agree to therapy.

I hope you two find a way to figure this out.

Sean

Baby just say yes..

Holly wrote:

Sean,

Three weeks ago, I met the love of my life.  He is everything I ever wanted and he says he feels the same about me.  Our first date never ended and we married within our first three weeks of knowing each other.

The problem is that my parents are SUPER upset that I married him in such a short time.  You may be agreeing with them at this point, but let me explain that I am not an impulsive person, I have no self esteem issues, no drug or drinking issues, and no psychological issues that I know of.  I consider myself normal.  My parents were upset because they wanted me to have a “long courtship” and a big wedding.  I am not that person, nor have I ever been.  From the moment I met Scott, it was love and we both new it.  After our second day together, we talked about marriage and we were determined to make it work.

My parents say I am crazy.  I am a single, 31 year old responsible adult with no kids.  Will they ever get over it?  Am I crazy?

Holly

Holly,
I don’t think you’re crazy.  We all make choices in life that others don’t agree with, but if it isn’t hurting anyone, I don’t see a problem with it.  You don’t have kids,  so I personally don’t see why your parents should be making a big deal about all of this, though I can understand their frustration if they’d been investing in a big marriage and you dashed their plans.  

You need to make this work and show them this was the right decision.  I hope you can show them that you made a good choice in marrying Scott.  They’ll eventually come around if you can do that.

Sean

Nail in the coffin

MnMale32 wrote:

Have you ever had one of those “nail in the coffin” moments?  By that, I mean a moment in which you realize that without a doubt, you don’t want to be with someone?

I had one last night.  I have been dating Tasha for years and we’ve been inseparable but over time, I have started to pull away.  I give and give emotionally and she rarely reciprocates.  I do little, romantic things for her and I get nothing in return.  I try to show her that I think of her and she doesn’t do any of that for me.  I am not trying to be selfish here, but it’d be nice to have her return the favor once in awhile.  Even just a sweet comment from her would be nice.  She’s even selfish during sex and will often stop once she’s “had her fun”, even if I am still wanting to continue.

Anyway, I was with her last night at dinner and I told her she looked beautiful.  She said, “Thanks, I like this dress too.”  She began talking about her work issues and I complimented her intelligence and ability to handle stress.  She said, “WELL, yeah, I didn’t think I was the problem in all of that.”

That was it.  She is too self absorbed for me to tolerate any longer.  To me, a relationship is a two way street and she obviously doesn’t understand that.  It’s a huge letdown to know that I’ve spent the last 8 months of my life investing so much and it only recently hit me that I am not getting anything in return.

I guess my question to you is, why didn’t I notice it sooner, and how do I keep this from happening in the future?

MnMale32

MnMale32,

I can understand how this would be frustrating.  I have been in similar situations (both the “giving and not getting” and the “nail in the coffin” situations) and it’s not a fun realization.

Sometimes, when a relationship is just starting, people have their walls up.  They may act better than they normally would, they may be more polite or shy, and they may even hold back feelings if they’ve been hurt before.  This usually fades over the first few months as that person begins to feel more comfortable.  Eight months in is much too long to have the walls up, in my opinion.  In this situation, I’d say she is either taking advantage of you, she isn’t into you and doesn’t know how to end things, or both.  You didn’t notice early on because things were still exciting and new.  You may have had your own walls up at first and when you dropped yours and noticed hers were still up, it began to affect you.

You’re right in feeling that a relationship is a give and take and both people need to perform the giving and the taking.  It’s essentially a team bond that is formed and a team doesn’t work with one person.

How to keep this from happening in the future can vary by the situation but here are a few pointers:

1)  Always be clear with your expectations and know where you stand in a relationship.    You should lay it out up front and ask your partner where he/she wants to go with things.

2)  Keep the lines of communication open at all times.  Be respectful and feel comfortable expressing your emotions and concerns.  Be receptive to the other person’s concerns and feelings as well.

3)  Keep it honest.  If you’re not feeling things are working, make it known.  If you want more or less time with the person, let them know..and be prepared to hear it in return.

4)  Be understanding.  Feelings develop slowly for different people.  You won’t always be on the same page, but when all is said and done, you should be able to see where the relationship is going.

5)  Move slowly.  Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you NEED to move in together or you NEED to get engaged right off of the bat.  Just take things as they come, consider each other’s feelings, and take the steps that come after you’ve both decided it’s the right move.  Don’t pressure anyone into anything.

It sounds like you may be better off without this woman.  Have a talk with her and try and decipher her stance on things.  If she wants out, then it’s time you find the right person to be with.  If she just has her walls up, it may be time to have a conversation to find out how to make her more comfortable.

Sean