Love isn’t automatic.

Hedda wrote:

Sean,

I read your post about conflict and it hit something in me, so I am writing.  My question for you is why can’t I seem to find anyone to love me?  I deserve to be loved, but when I face conflict with people I date, it usually ends with me realizing I should walk away because the conflict is too great.  What do I do?  I deserve a relationship, so why can’t I find it?

Hedda

Hedda,

No one “deserves” a relationship.  A relationship, or more importantly, love in a relationship is not a right..it’s a privilege that we all need to work hard to achieve.  I don’t know if you’re a Millenial or what generation you’re from, but it seems that the younger generations seem to have a sense of entitlement in every aspect of their life, relationships included.  This is not the case.  Love in the relationship sense is just not bestowed on someone, they need to put forth the effort, trust and emotion to make it happen.  Love is a reward for hard work, determination, emotion, and understanding.  If you’re walking away, it may be because you feel you deserve to “win” whatever conflict you’re in rather than finding common ground.

If you’re always finding conflict in your relationships, you may also be looking to the wrong source for your relationships.  You may also not be mature enough for a relationship either.  If you’re going out way more than staying in and your self esteem is damaged enough that you feel the need to constantly drink or party, you are not ready for a healthy relationship.  If you’re facing internal emotional strife, you’re not ready for a relationship.  You need to start things with a clean slate and make sure that every choice you’re making in the “getting to know you” phase is made with a clear head and clear heart.  You should also learn that there is nothing wrong with being single.  I’m guessing you haven’t learned that yet.

You don’t deserve a relationship.  You deserve to be happy, Hedda.  Hopefully someday, you will find happiness AND a relationship.
Sean

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