From the fire, back to the fire

Avelyn wrote again:

So I wanted to thank you for your advice! I also wanted to tell you about the new things that have happened and was curious about what you think about it.  So a week ago my ex that I told you about messaged the guy that I am seeing now (because they are acquaintances and kind of friends) and told him “Next time you talk to Avelyn, tell her I have her stuff she can come pick up” and I got mad because I didnt want my new guy to get in the middle of everything and so I txted my ex and told him if he had something to tell me, to tell me and not the new guy.  I went to my ex’s house to grab my stuff, and he walked it out to me and handed it to me and so I told him thanks and then he just sort of stood there and stared at me for a bit and I said “what?” and he said “nothing, have a good night” and so I drove away.
Then he txted me a few nights later and asked me if I wanted to get a drink after work and I messaged him back and said “No I dont, and I dont appreciate you txting me so please dont do it again, thanks”….he just broke up with his girlfriend a week before he told my new guy to tell me to get my stuff…and he is aware that I am seeing the new guy…what do you think is the reasoning for all the sudden messages and contact?
Any advice is appreciated!

Avelyn

 

Avelyn,

I really wish you would have told me that these guys are “kind of friends” in your first email.  Knowing that piece of info, I would have recommended staying away from BOTH of them.  This will only end badly.

To answer your email above, you shouldn’t have texted your ex.  He’s hooking you back in and you’re falling for it.  By responding, you’re showing him he can still communicate with you and what you SHOULD be doing is blocking his calls, deleting his number, and getting a restraining order if necessary.  He is trying to hook you back in (just like abusive people do) because he wants to make sure he can still control you.  He may play nice, he may try to tell you things like “the other girl and I didn’t work because she wasn’t you”, or “I can’t live without you”, or “It kills me that I can’t be with you” (notice these statements all revolve around him and his needs and don’t really take your feelings into consideration).

Showing up to get your stuff was perhaps the worst thing you could have done.  You fed his ego, so be prepared for his communication efforts to increase and just ignore them.  Tell your new guy that this is going on too, so he knows you’re being honest about things.  If the ex calls about any more “stuff” that is around, forget it.  If you didn’t take something when you left, it’s never worth going back for.  Whatever’s gone with the ex is simply gone for good.

Personally, I’d leave both of these guys.  Knowing they’re friends, I see the possibility of running into your ex in social situations and that’s never a good thing in abusive relationships.  You need to be out and clear of both of these people, no matter how “good” the new guy may be.  If the new guy know what your ex did, he shouldn’t even be friends with your ex anyway.

 

Sean

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