Is it love that I’m feeling?

Yikes. A five way at second. That’s no fun.

Sienna wrote:

Sean,

I really want to tell this boy I like that I love him, but I’m kind of scared to do it because I don’t want to run him off.  We’ve been dating for two weeks and I think about him all of the time.  Should I try to call him and talk to him about how I feel or should I just let it go?

Sienna

Sienna,

You should definitely wait on this one.  Some people may say, “..it was love at first sight..” when they talk about how they met “the one” but it’s not actually love…it’s just good chemistry.  Love is built as the relationship grows and confusing love and chemistry can have disastrous results.  On the other hand, being unavailable or seeming uninterested can also have disastrous results.  Check out this Match.com article I found.  I’ve included my input on each point in underlined text below each one.

FROM MATCH.COM 
“It’s not you, it’s me” may be the most common breakup excuse of all time, but what’s the real reason your date suddenly got spooked and hit the relationship “eject” button? Here’s the scoop on why some relationships abruptly go bust, straight from the men themselves…
Reason #1: “She was a little too hard to get, so I stopped pursuing her”
Playing hard-to-get can be an extremely effective device, but you might scare a guy away entirely if you abide too strictly by the outdated guidelines in The Rules. “I went on several dates with this woman my buddy set me up with and we had an awesome time: great conversations, great kisses… but then she wouldn’t return my calls or emails for a couple of days, and it seemed like she always had other plans if I didn’t book a date with her pretty far in advance,” says Jim, 29, from Bennington, VT. “My buddy kept telling me that she was into me, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was stringing me along until she found someone better. So, I stopped calling her. She called me a week later to make sure everything was cool between us, but I broke it off before she could dump me.”

Tip: A vital part of the playing hard-to-get game right is dropping enough clues (especially to shy types) that you can eventually, well, be gotten. When you do go out with someone, ladies, let him know that you had an amazing time. That way, when you don’t jump all over his offer for a last-minute date, he won’t think that you’re really just blowing him off.

I have ended or avoided getting into at least a dozen relationships with women that I felt were too hard to get.  Not being available is a HUGE turnoff for me and almost every guy I know because we feel if you truly want to get to know someone, you’ll make them a priority, not just expect to squeeze them in when you have time.  Unlike Match says, don’t go out with the ladies and brag about the awesome time you had – offer to meet up with him and introduce him to your friends (but then go back to your ladies).  Who knows?  Maybe he’ll bring along some guy friends that may be perfect for that “ever-single” bff of yours.
 
Reason #2: He feels like there’s some chemistry, but not the right kind (or that it isn’t completely mutual)
The truth is, men have lots of issues with mutual compatibility, including when, where and how they prefer a woman to show her affection from a physical standpoint. “When you jump right into sleeping with someone, you skip a lot of the bonding behaviors that intensify a budding relationship,” explains Dr. Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever. “I tell people to try and enjoy the ride a little. Don’t skip over that romantic, electrifying bonding period.” James, 47, from New Braunfels, TX once left a woman after six months of dating due to her proclivity for PDA: “I loved her, sure, but the fact that she became more grabby and insisted on kissing and hanging all over me in front of my coworkers, family and kids eventually drove me away,” he admits. “It just felt slightly forced and unnatural to me.” Beyond bypassing the bonding period or putting your affections too publicly on display, holding out for too long to spend the night with your boyfriend can throw a different set obstacles into a new relationship. Chris, 32, from New Haven, CT, broke things off because, he explains, “My ex-girlfriend and I were compatible in every way except in the bedroom. After a while, I just felt rejected. It all went downhill from there.”
Tip: If you are presented with a maneuver you’re not comfortable with, don’t just say “no,” suggests Dr. Love, “say what.” Meaning, to avoid making your guy feel rejected or smothered, suggest an alternative that would be pleasing to you (and be willing to negotiate until you can both happily agree where your boundaries lie, affection-wise). This way, he knows that you’re not put off by him or marking your territory like he’s an inanimate object.
I didn’t like how Match basically said, “It doesn’t matter if you feel comfortable having sex when HE wants it, just sit there while he tries to negotiate a “beej” out of the deal to keep him interested.”  Wrong.  If you’re not feeling it, just explain that you’re taking awhile to warm up to the idea of physical intimacy and that you’d like to spend more time with him to be comfortable.  If down the road you don’t feel that way, then end it nicely and walk away.  However, that also means not leading him on, so no “beej” negotiations either.  No second base, no third base…just stay at home plate.
Reason #3: “I felt like I could never measure up to her level of success, and my ego couldn’t handle it”
Ask a room full of single men if they’d be interested in dating a successful woman with a gas-guzzling SUV in the driveway and an offshore bank account, and 9 out of 10 will trample you just to meet her. But while the fantasy of having a woman who takes you to fancy restaurants and picks up checks bigger than your weekly salary might sound nice, lots of men can’t handle the emasculating feelings that arise. Says Kevin, 30, from New York City: “I met someone at a friend’s wedding and we really hit it off. She was a financial executive; I was, and still am, a production assistant just barely scraping by. She said it didn’t matter to her and I tried not to let it matter to me, but whenever she slapped down her platinum card, it just made me feel kind of pathetic.”

Tip: So what is an upwardly mobile single woman to do? Dr. Love advises talking about it with him honestly — but keep the discussion brief. “If you want to go out somewhere you know is out of his reach, just say, ‘I would like to treat you,’ and try not to make a big deal out of it. The more you talk about it, the more he will feel emasculated,” explains Dr. Love. And remember, you’re not his financial advisor, so let him grab the check every now and again. It might not be good for his bank account, but it’ll do wonders for his ego and your budding relationship.

Just avoid this type of guy.  Financial issues can be tough.  It is sometimes tough to deal with financial inequality for either side, but if you’re clicking, don’t be insecure (either one of you).  If you are insecure, it’ll lead to all sorts of insecurity later on.  No one needs to support another person either though.  If you’re doing all of the paying and he/she is just mooching, it’s time to find someone that can give you more equal footing.

 
Reason #4: He feels like he now has another mother to answer to instead of a girlfriend
He already spent more than half his life listening to one woman tell him the brown belt doesn’t go with the black pants, and he doesn’t need you to keep nagging him about the exact same things. “A woman might think she’s taking care of her man, but instead, he often feels like he’s being controlled,” says Dr. Love. “When men feel like they are being mothered or being talked down to by a partner, it can be very demeaning and lead to the demise of the relationship.”

Tip: Want to improve your guy’s taste in clothes or take a different approach in his career? The key to success is properly phrasing your request so it doesn’t come across as if you’re policing all of his lifestyle choices. Don’t say, “Honey, you’d look so much nicer in an Oxford shirt than that ratty old tee;” say, “Wow, you’d look so hot in this — I’d love you to try it on for me!” If he thinks buttoning-up equals sex appeal, you can be sure he’ll do it. The same tactic works for any request, so long as you focus on the positive net results he’ll achieve afterwards instead of the negative ones you’re obsessed with pointing out to him now.

There was a woman once I dated that always made fun of my jeans.  She didn’t like them and felt I should be wearing the tight assed jeans with crosses bejeweled on the pockets.  She nagged at first and then tried the “you’d look sexy in this” approach and eventually, I ended things because I felt comfortable buying things I felt comfortable in and didn’t appreciate her comments.  I didn’t need 150$ jeans, my $30 jeans felt fine and I ended up finding someone who likes me for who I am, not what label is on my asscheek.  If you don’t like the way he dresses, bring it up once and leave it alone.  If there is no change and it still bothers you, find someone else.
Reason #5: “I ended it because she was pressuring me to move our relationship forward way too quickly”
When men feel as though a new relationship is going from zero to “let’s move in together” at light speed, most of them will try to slam on the brakes. “There is a biological reason why men and women move at different speeds in relationships,” says Dr. Love. “Sexual contact causes both men and women secrete a hormone called oxytocin, which intensifies feelings of love and the desire to nest. But in men, testosterone counteracts its effects. So afterwards, the woman is lying there feeling like they’ve bonded for life, while he’s wondering what’s on ESPN.” In other words, a woman may feel so connected to her guy as a relationship blossoms that she immediately starts thinking long-term; he, however, may not feel quite as committed to planning a future together.

Tip: How best to handle this chemical imbalance? Lay off the Martha Stewart Weddings subscription for a while and try following his lead. “Let him refer to you as his girlfriend before you call him your boyfriend, or at least wait for him to tell you he loves you before you start imagining what your kids might look like,” suggests Laurie N. from Little Rock, AK. “After my divorce, all I could think of was remarriage and I drove away two very nice guys before eventually settling down with my second husband,” she recalls. “Not everyone has the same relationship goals, and it’s best to let things develop over time organically.” If you’re with the right guy, his heart will eventually catch up with his hormones. In the meantime, try to relax and simply have fun while you’re spending time together.

This is another Titanic-relationship scenario that will sink something good in minutes.  I went on two dates with a woman that spent the entire date explaining that she wanted to be “wooed” and chased and she kept asking me how I’d “woo her”.  I stopped being interested by the second date. Another woman told me she loved me on the first date (no, not after sex) and that was enough for me to end things by the end of the night.  Relationships and marriage aren’t a race.  If you’re getting started on a serious relationship and you’re approaching your “Married by 30” deadline, stop looking at the deadline and just enjoy things for what they are.  Pushing someone along will only cause failure (and faster failure) than if you just take things slowly and let feelings develop organically.  If you’re the “I don’t usually do this, but I’ll sleep with you” excuse type of person, stop for your sake.  You’re not fooling anyone and you’re going to fall for the wrong guy. 
I think you fall into this last category Sienna.  I’d advise you to just let things happen as they happen.  After two weeks, telling someone you love them will either push them away immediately or it’ll create an awkward “do I say it just because he/she did” situation and it may complicate things later.  Hopefully things haven’t moved into a complicated intimacy area too with these feelings you think you’ve formed.  If they have, take a step back and build the relationship.  If you’re still “at home plate”, then stay there and enjoy the game.
Sean

 

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