Digging a Sociopath

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Linda wrote:

Hello,

I dated a guy for 2 years and we just recently split after I realized he had been cheating on me almost every weekend for the entire time we dated (he said he was at the gym but he never got in shape, so I investigated). I’d say (and many of his and my friends would say) that I am better looking than him, but he is charming/sexy/has piercing eyes, is a liar (even about little things) and feels no guilt, likes risky behaviors like gambling and wild drunk nights out, is overly power hungry, and thinks being a dick to people makes him get better treatment.  All in all, we fell in love within a few weeks of dating, moved in together a few months later and we spent every day together almost for 2 years-we were in love, or so I thought.  He seemed to do everything for me until I found out he was cheating on me and we broke up. He blew up when I accused him of cheating and gave me lie after lie until I presented him with the details of my investigating.  He stopped talking, grabbed a bag of clothes and left.  He’s written me several letters since then and always says he “lied about many things to me, but “I love you” was the truth.”

Was I blindly dating a sociopath?  How could I have been so blind?

Linda

Linda,

I did some digging and asked some friends of mine and, from what I’ve learned, yes, you were dating a sociopath.  I looked for “telltale” signs of a sociopath and here’s what 20 sites (and my friends, who’ve dated one at some point) all said:

1. Charisma and charm. He’s a smooth talker, always has an answer, never misses a beat. He can play any role is social situations.

2. Enormous ego. He acts like the smartest, richest or most successful person in the room. He may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute he loves you, the next minute he hates you. He’s got an extremely short fuse.

5. Blames others. He always has an excuse. Someone else is always the cause of his problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague or details don’t match and he gets angry when you dig for details.

7. Intense eye contact. He uses his eyes to his advantage.

8. Fast moving. Within weeks, he quickly proclaims that you’re his true love and soul mate. He wants to move in together within a month or two.

9. Pity play. He appeals to your sympathy. He wants you to feel sorry for his abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.  Feel sorry for him and you’ll be used as a shield time and time again.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, it may be the excess testosterone that sociopaths possess.

Since your email details matched 5-7 of these points above, I’d say yes…you dated a sociopath.  As far as you being blinded by it, I’d imagine it is easy miss at times, depending on the situation.

A sociopath knows the difference between right and wrong and they understand that actions have consequences but the problem is, they don’t care, nor do they feel guilt. They have no inner moral-compass to guide them.  Sociopaths don’t feel regular emotion.  They feel anger, rage, and envy, which can lead to aggression, but the remaining emotion is shallow at best. They cannot show empathy and cannot connect with others (feeling true love).  Sociopaths may “collect” things like it’s a contest (electronics, toys, prizes, relationships, etc.,) because they feel accomplishment when they feel they’re “winning”.  Sociopaths see nothing wrong with using people and then throwing them away because they are okay with lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating people who they’ve deemed “weaker” than they are. Even they may, at times, pretend to have low self-esteem or insecurities, they do not actually feel that way…they’re using those attributes to manipulate others. Their egotistical behavior and arrogance makes in extremely for a sociopath to benefit from therapy and almost impossible to change. I know, by this definition Charlie Sheen is a sociopath, and that may or may not be true.

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…Or it may be true.

In any case, you weren’t necessarily blinded..you were more than likely looking at a person that was disguised as someone completely different.  You liked the disguise, not the real person.

Sean

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2 comments

  1. Minnesodad · March 5, 2014

    I should add that females can also be sociopaths (though it is MUCH more rare). Common traits are here: http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=1611

  2. Tela · March 5, 2014

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