When the talking stops

Gwen wrote:
duct-tape-mouth
Sean,
I am looking for some emergency help here. My husband has basically grown apart from me and I don’t want to lose him. I say that, but i think it’s mostly my fault he’s drifted so far.

I have always considered myself “independent”. I know your definition of independent and now, I can say I agree. My definition of the word was living a life how I wanted and thinking mainly of my needs. My husband would wait patiently for me after work to make dinner together, he would walk the dog with me, he’d give up plans with his boys to hang out with me, and he’d always tell me about his day. These were all things that drove me crazy. After two years of marriage, I exploded one day and told him how his actions made me feel like he was suffocating me and how I needed space. I also told him to stop talking about his day because I didn’t care.

He honored my wishes. He didn’t wait for me to start dinner. He went out with his guys and spent more time with them. He stopped telling me personal things altogether. He didn’t show it, but I could see my words hurt him.

Now, we’re 6 months from my explosion and I rarely see him. He pours himself into work and doesn’t say much when he is home. We aren’t intimate at all. I feel like I lost him and I feel like it’s my fault. I wish I would have seen the other side before I told him what I said.

I see now that your definition of independence is pretty solid. I could be happy alone, but I don’t NEED to be. I realize that now. I want nothing more than to cook with my husband again, to make love with him, and to talk and laugh with him. Am I too late?

Gwen

Gwen,
For those that didn’t read it, I have defined independence earlier as this: It’s knowing you could be happy on your own…it is NOT the NEED to be alone.

Also,listen to your spouse people. It may not always be interesting, but sometimes, they just want to talk to you and knowing you’re listening is enough to make their day.

I’d say you have some apologizing to do Gwen. You’re married, yet you kept pushing the faulty “independent” thing and it appears as if you may have pushed too hard. Tell your husband how much he means to you and how you’ve made some revelations while he’s been taking his time to himself. Tell him you want things like they used to be and let him know you’ll work to make it happen. He needs to realize that sometimes people let their frustrations get the best of them and he should work to get past whatever distance he feels toward you.

Sometimes, when things are this far gone, it’s hard to go back. I hope for your sake that you can work through it.

Sean

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