Never Alone

ForeverAlone wrote:

Minnesodad,
I am new to your site but I am hoping you can help.  I think I am cursed to be forever alone.  I am 19, almost 20, and I have only had two serious relationships, but I have been unlucky and single for a year now.  No one wants to be with me.  Am I going to just have a string of one night stands for my entire life?

ForeverAlone

ForeverAlone,

Welcome to my site.  You should know I keep it honest around here.  That said, you’re young and quite naïve if you think you should find “the one” by 19.

First, it is healthy to be alone once in awhile.  You should NEVER jump from one relationship to another.  Doing so just increases the chance of failure because you haven’t given yourself time to grow emotionally from the last one.

Secondly, if you’re just sleeping with people and hoping it gets serious, you’re flat out an idiot and no one wants to date the woman that just sleeps with every guy she meets. Build the relationship before intimacy and you will have a firmer foundation.  It seems like the younger generation today is quick to physical and rushing to love, then surprised when things go wrong.  Don’t rush things.  A relationship is like a nice rack of ribs…the good ones take time as well as the right ingredients.

Relax.  Enjoy being alone.  Work on yourself. If you hit 33 and you haven’t had a serious relationship, email me and I will apologize for bad advice.  I am guessing you will find the right guy before that.

Sean

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Don’t get offended..

Anonymous wrote:

Sean,
I am offended that you promote supplements and talk about health in the same posting.  I feel the only way to live a healthy life is to be free of man made products and the fact you feel supplements are “healthy” is disturbing.  There is not one supplement out there that has not been man made.  Shame on you. Healthy is truely healthy.

Anonymous

Anonymous,
Do you mean to tell me my pink colored Ubervita RocT preworkout doesn’t get harvested from a mountain top?  Damn.

First off, you’re right.  Supplements are man made…but it doesn’t mean they are bad (to everyone but you).  Some are very artificial, but many, if not most, strive to put natural ingredients into what they make and supplements as a whole help us live better and healthier lives.

(To clarify this next part up front, I am not talking about racial/sexual/gender discrimination here…I think discussion is always good on those topics to further a unified understanding. You don’t have to like it, you just need to understand it.)

Secondly, I don’t really care if you’re offended.  If seems today like everyone wants everyone else to change when they feel offended.  I say screw that.  People are increasingly wanting the things they say, hear, and do to be “their way” or they get offended.  If you don’t like people eating meat, don’t go where people eat meat.  If you don’t like people wearing fur, stay away from them.  If you don’t like a restaurant’s way of sourcing their food, don’t go there.

Life isn’t a Subway sandwich.  Sometimes, you just get what you get, whether you like it or not.  If you don’t like what you see, hear, or do, don’t be a part of it. You may be offended by this, but in today’s world , our opinion is better understood by where we choose to spend your money than where we complain.

Congratulations on your non-man-made material life.  No cereal, no milk, no chips, no bars, no beer or wine, no deodorant, no bedsheets, no house.  Its all man made, so I imagine you avoid them..and it has all made you a very productive member of society if you troll websites just to spout off your opinion.

Life is better spent enjoying the things we love than complaining about the things we hate.

Sean

Grass is greener in friend’s pasture..

Celicia wrote:

Sean,

Help!  My best friend “Alice” is absolutely gorgeous and it draws all of the attention away from me when we go out!  I am not exaggerating.. My friend is 5’9″, 160lbs and a damn D cup.  A. DAMN. D. CUP!!

I am 5’7, 183lbs, and an A cup.  My hair is mousey, and I can’t ever seem to be fashionable.  Some of my friends try to be polite, and give me compliments when we go out, but the men always show interest in “Alice”.

How do I get more attention?  Do I talk to my friend, and if so, how do I tell her she is too gorgeous.

Cecilia

Cecilia,
Confidence goes a long way.  If you’re Debbie Downer with me, I can only imagine how extreme it is with your non-Alice friends when Alice is around. 

Your boobs aren’t big and you have a little more curve in your streets, but there are guys out there that are into that.  What will drive them away is when you’re obsessing and whining about how you look if you’re out with Alice. 

If she isn’t actively stealing guys away from you, forget the ones that go for her and look for some others while she is busy chatting.  Be confident, be conversational, and be yourself.  There are a ton of guys that look for those qualities first.  The guys that go for looks first aren’t guys you want to end up with.

Sean

Do I need supplements?

Loni wrote:

I have finally finished reading your blog!  Love it all and I have to give props for staying true to your fitness journey.

I am on a fitness journey myself and I am wondering something:  Do I need supplements?  My trainers have always suggested protein, joint support, or preworkout supplements, and others too, but I have always wanted to be fit through clean eating and exercise alone.  Now, one year into my journey, I am finding it harder than ever to recover and reach new goals for my workouts.  I know how you feel about supplements, but I want to know WHY you like them.  What’s the big deal?

Loni

Loni,
Anyone can be “short term fit” (a few months to a year), but its a bigger challenge to make fitness a lifestyle choice.  It is not only mentally hard to push yourself, its also hard on your body to push your progress to new levels.  Your body is being worked harder with every new goal you reach and it has to repair itself more efficiently than every past workout as well.

At the very least, I would recommend that anyone getting any exercise stick to the recommended intake guideline of .5-1g of protein per pound of bodyweight (to maintain muscle density and therefore aid in fat loss) and add joint support with a fish/flax oil supplement.  Beyond that, it all depends on what your individual goals are.

Personally, I feel clean eating will never replace supplementation.  In fact, to get all of the recommended protein in your diet without protein, you’d be looking at eating over 2500 calories per day..and that’d be mainly meat, cheese, and nuts…which would pretty much destroy your healthy eating plan (unless you’re a pro wrestler or something).

Can you smellllllllll what The Rock is eating?

Can you smmmellllllllll what The Rock is eating?

And, just because you may be a vegan, paleo, vegetarian eater doesn’t mean you have to skip supplementation (yes there are paleo supplements).  Even pro surfer and vegan Kelly Slater uses supplements…just vegan ones that align with his personal views.  There are supplement varieties for anyone..Celiacs, vegans, those allergic to nuts, etc.,…it is just a matter of finding something you like that works for your needs.

I recommend vitamins, protein, a preworkout drink, postworkout/recovery drink, joint support, and a probiotic.  You can always go for more, but to start, stick with the basics.  You will be pleased with your results.  If you don’t immediately find something that fits your tastebuds, keep looking.  These days, there is a flavor out there for everyone.

Again, I am not saying you can’t be fit without supplements…I am saying that if being fit is your LONG term plan, supplements make that an easier goal to reach.

Sean

Life sitting on the pot

Not IN the pot...wait, who put that on the stove?

Not IN the pot…wait, who put that on the stove?

Sean,

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now and, while I want marriage, we have never discussed it at length.  Then, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly whisked me away for a surprise vacation in Florida.  It was a wonderful long-weekend trip and we had an especially fancy dinner during which, my boyfriend was sweating profusely and was extremely nervous (not like him to do either one of those).  That was it though, and the next day we came home.  He has been normal since then and my friends have been saying that his trip may been to ask me to marry him, but he didn’t ask me, so I am wondering if he got cold feet.  What do you think?  Should I ask him?  Should I wait? Should I just give up?

Alyson

Alyson,

Poop or get off the pot is my motto.  If you have been dating for three years, I would say it is long enough to know whether or not you want to marry someone.  This trip may have been your boyfriend’s chance and he may have been prepared to ask you….or not…there is really no way to tell unless he confided in a close friend (or is willing to tell you himself).

Give it a little more time.  Perhaps he had a big ordeal planned out and you let it slip on the vacation that you don’t like things like that, or maybe he had something small planned and got a hint you may want something bigger so he made a split second decision to wait.  If you ask him now, it may ruin something.  If you wait a few weeks and maybe ask a few trusted friends you two share (not just your friends), you may get the answer you were looking for.  If nothing happens, then gently ask him after a few weeks.

Three years is a long time to date someone without talking about marriage, especially since you’re obviously thinking about it.  I know some people may disagree, but having been in several long term relationships that dead ended, I feel if the topic of marriage isn’t AT LEAST lightly discussed after year one and in-depth before year two, you may be heading toward a dead end or you may be on different pages.  Marriage is a big deal, and a conversation can make the difference in how it works for the long run.

Hopefully your boyfriend just has come cold feet…time will tell.

Sean

When the fire goes out.

Smoldering ash.

Smoldering ash.

Stan wrote,

Sean, at 50, I realize I am much older than your typical reader, but I need some advice.  After 20 years of marriage, I feel the “fire” and the sexual chemistry is gone from my relationship and I don’t know what to do.

I met my wife 26 years ago and we hit it off immediately.  We spent time with the same people, so it was also easy to get to know one another without actually dating.  We did end up dating, and two years after we met, we got married.  Things were great at first as I got my first “big job” out of college and gave her what she wanted, to be a stay at home mom.  The trouble is, the kids never came.  After the first year, she was a nervous wreck.  Sex began to be structured and planned to the utmost detail.  5 years in, the doctors kept pushing for IVF and other methods, but my wife was insistent we would conceive naturally.  10 years in, we only had sex according to her menstrual calendar and all IVF hope had failed us.  She refused to adpot and began to micromanage every single thing she ate.  She refused to believe any doctor that even hinted she or I were unable to have children (even though tests said we were fine).  She and I fought constantly about kids and her ideas about how we could conceive.  15 years in, we were only having sex once a month and I could barely finish because it was a constant barrage of instruction and frustrating comments.  “Do the other thing!,” she’d yell.  “Not that way,” she’d correct me.  It was dull and mundane.  I thought about divorce and having an affair, but I loved my wife too much to do either one.  At 20 years in, she tried committing suicide when the doctors told her there was little to no chance we’d ever conceive.  Now, at 26 years, she is a shell of the confident and sexy woman I married.  We didn’t have children and we barely have a marriage.  I have basically given up emotionally and we’re just going through the motions because neither one of us has the guts to face the elephant in the room.

My question for you is how do I save my marriage?  I’m going to guess you, like everyone else, would have thought I’d still be thinking of leaving her, but it’s quite the opposite.  I want so light the fire again and help her realize that even though we didn’t have kids, we still have a wonderful life to live.  We have tons of nieces and nephews and a marriage to work on, and I’d hate to see it end.  Yes, we didn’t have kids, but we have always had each other to love.

Do you have any advice for me?

“Stan”

 

“Stan”,

I can’t emphasize how important therapy is in situations like this.  You appear to have been fighting this battle with each other (and times) and against each other (at other times), and ignoring the intimacy of marriage in the meantime.  The more you structure sex and the less you enjoy the intimacy, the less enjoyable ANY intimacy will be.  After time, you will eventually lose interest (and some begin to look elsewhere) which can cause issues within the marriage.  Stress is also dangerous to the human body and when it’s overwhelming stress, it can be devastating.

See a therapist..both of you.  Talk about everything.  Cry.  Hold each other.  Yell.  Find new ground.  If you’re religious, join a church group that deals with similar issues.  At the very least, you need to see a therapist if you want this to work, and you need to find a way to ignite her fire for life.  I realize kids were (and possibly ARE) one of the most important things in life to her, but I hope therapy can help her understand what she is missing by making it her only focus.  You aren’t getting out of this without a lecture either..you said you gave up.  You married this woman and even though the intimacy may be gone, and you’re doing the right thing by trying to save the marriage, you need to evaluate why you ever thought giving up emotionally was ever a good idea without talking with a therapist first.

Intimacy can be very difficult with too much structure in the relationship if you completely remove the fun, spontaneous moments.I hope this works out for the both of you.  I commend you for trying to save your marriage.  Hopefully, with therapy, you can find each other again and enjoy the next 50 years together.

 

Sean

 

Get in a Workeat

Minnesodad,
Love your site BTW.  Question for ya:  I recently started my weightloss journey and I’ve been going hard and heavy for about a month.  The issue is, I am WAY more hungry than I ever have been.  I feel like snacking all day long!  I don’t want to ruin my progress so I usually settle for water.  My question is, why am I so hungry?  Bonus question: Should I eat when I am hungry or continue with water?
Leona
MUST EAT ALL OF THIS!!!

MUST EAT ALL OF THIS!!!

Leona,
Congrats on your healthy journey.  Without seeing what you’re eating each day, I have to ask, are you getting enough protein? If you would say “I get it from my food”, I’d say you’re definitely not.  You need more protein for your body than you can get from food (eating within 2000 calories or under) if you’re working out “hard and heavy”.  I’d recommend a whey protein (or soy if you’re animal free) to take within 30 minutes of your exercise.  All in all, you need .8g of protein per pound of bodyweight per day to maintain proper muscle mass.  Try also eating an apple or some healthy carbs with fiber within the 30 minute post-workout window too.  If you’re eating three meals per day, try also increasing that to 4-5 meals per day and divide your portions up to fit those lunch periods.  Don’t cut back on water, but you shouldn’t be drinking more than a gallon per day anyway.  You’re hungry because of two reasons: (A) your activity is stimulating your metabolism and your body is using what you eat more efficiently and (B) you may have changed your eating habits and your body is still getting used to the calorie expenditure versus the old way (meaning, you’re burning more but eating less and your body isn’t used to it).
Hopefully, spreading out your portions, increasing your protein and fiber intake, and giving yourself more “meal” times will help.  Feel free to let me know how it goes after you try it for a month or so.
Sean

It’s called a workout for a reason

Melissa wrote:

Sean,

I recently joined a gym and hired a trainer to help get me back into shape.  The problem is, he’s really strict, lacks compassion, and can be pretty cruel when dishing out the workout routine.  I’ve never had a trainer before, so I am wondering, are all trainers like this or did I just pick a douche?

Melissa

The face I make the day after leg day.

The face I make the day after leg day.

 

Melissa,

All good trainers are going to be strict and somewhat lacking in compassion when it comes to making sure you reach the goals you set.  The only thing I have to ask you is, does this trainer also support you with words of encouragement as he is kicking your ass at the gym?  If so, you found a keeper.  Trainers are there to keep you on track, guide you to complete your goals, and make sure you don’t slip up along the way.  If you can’t hack it, maybe it’s time to think long and hard about how serious you are about being in shape.  It’s called a workout for a reason…you work the hell out of your body.  Hopefully you can stick it out.

Sean

This bugs me.

Anonymous wrote:
Sean,
My wife eats weird food and I am okay with it.  The issue is, my family isn’t.  Shortly after we married three years ago, she became an entomophage or insectivore, which means she eats insects.  She doesn’t eat meat, she rarely consumes dairy, and she eats veggies-but usually with insects in them.  I don’t practice this, but I love her, so it’s no big deal to me.
The issue comes when we go to my parents’ houses (they’re divorced) for holidays and she brings her own food because she doesn’t eat meat.  Everyone at the table is usually grossed out and they’ve all started to ask me to request that my wife leave the bugs at home, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.  I understand it’s not a health issue like celiac disease or a religious issue, but how do I tell her she can’t eat the foods that she wants to eat?  Do I tell her or do I just tell my relatives to tough it out?
Anonymous
"Cricket almond green beans? Hurrrrgggghh!"

“Cricket almond green beans? Hurrrrgggghh!”

Anonymous,
It’s a toughy here anonymous.  As much as she enjoys it, this isn’t something that is as widely accepted as being a vegan or a vegetarian because it’s not a matter of only eating certain foods, it’s a matter of eating things that the vast majority of people don’t even consider food.  On one hand, I’d say since your wife eats veggies and the occasional dairy food, it’d be acceptable to ask her to leave the bugs at home for a day and eat some veggies (does she eat dessert??) for the day since there is no health or religious issue at risk here.  On the other hand, why not compromise and have her prepare her own dish where there are no visible bugs and bring that to see if the issue was perhaps visible insects at the table.  I found several recipes for insect dishes that use ground or sliced insects and from the pictures, you can’t even tell you’re eating bugs.  If she doesn’t have recipes like this, I can send you a few, just ask.  If that fails (or it turns out that ANY bugs at the table are not permitted), you can always ask your relatives to tough it out if all else fails, but this seems to be more of an issue that is the result of a conscious eating choice and not a health or religious concern, so I’d say the burden falls on you and your wife.  Whether that burden is a different method of preparing the food or leaving the bugs at home for a day is up to you.
Sean

“My cologne? It’s Garliq..it’s new.”

Anonymous Female 34 wrote:
Sean,
I just started seeing someone who was a smoker that turns out to have bigger issues.  He and I met online and talked for about a month before I met him.  I am not a smoker and he was.  By the time we met, he told me on his first date that quitting was something he’d do for me.  The problem is, I realize now that he REEKS of garlic because he eats it on everything.  It’s on his toast in the morning, it’s in his lunches, snacks and dinners.  He eats so much that it comes through his pores and he smells of garlic.  Personally, I like the smoke smell better.  He’s really nice and caring and we’ve had a great time so far, so how do I tell him to change his garlic eating habits without causing him to go back to smoking?
AF34
"Yeah I was- PHEW!  What the hell?  Were you born in an Olive Garden?"

“Yeah I was- PHEW! What the hell? Were you born in an Olive Garden?”

AF34,
This seems a little passive-aggressive to me.  If he stinks, let him know nicely.  Tell him that the garlic smell comes through in his overall scent and ask him if he’s ever considered cutting back for the sake of those around him.  I work with people that have a curry scent coming through their skin (or on their clothing) and it is a bit much, but it’s their way of life and it wouldn’t be something they’d change.  If you’re a garlic fan, let him know you like it, but on food…not people.  If he won’t cut back, it’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.  Hopefully, it’ll all work out.
Sean