Good question!

recipe for roommate discord
Not a good way to communicate to your partner..unless you like sleeping in the bathtub.

Lynn wrote:

Seam,

I read yesterday’s post and loved it, but I have to ask, are you advocating that people live together before marriage?..or were you just saying “if” and “then”?

Lynn

NOTE: To those of you that don’t agree with living with someone before marriage under any circumstances, go ahead and read tomorrow’s post..you get a day off pass today..

Lynn,

I wasn’t advocating that people live together before marriage.  It is perfectly fine with me to do that, but to many, it’s something they’d never dream of doing…and that’s okay..it’s their choice.  I was saying if you live together, or if you are considering it, it should be viewed as a big step…a step toward marriage.  Marriage is a big deal to me, but it’s also real life with no tangible difference between marriage and just dating.  As I said yesterday, marriage doesn’t mean a huge change or benefit from getting married, but it’s a huge commitment and that is what is important.

Living together isn’t casual either.  Too many people today have the “facebook outlook” on life:  If the person you’re dating does something you don’t like or you don’t agree with, you simply “unfriend them” and start “poking” someone else.  I think that is total BS.  Living together is a big deal because it’s a sneak peek into married life.  Sure, it can be mundane and dull at times..full of routines..and it won’t always be chock full of awesomeness either.  Some people think it’ll be this loving, wonderful, always happy thing..instead, it’s walking into a bathroom to brush your teeth before work only to find your partner just got done pooping…or it’s the hassle of figuring our finances and dealing with other people’s messes.  How we deal with all of this is a good indicator of how we’ll be in a marriage.  If we find ourselves (or our partners) unable to work as a team, they will more than likely not be able to work as a married couple.  Can that change?  Absolutely, so don’t rule them out without working on things.

What I said yesterday was that marriage, if you’re living together, isn’t anything more than one step further.  There is no HUGE change, EXCEPT the commitment and the knowledge that you’re now working to spend the rest of your life with someone..and that, to me, is amazing.

P.S.  Lynn, I don’t know anyone named “Seam”.  :-p

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Game, or lack thereof.

World of Warcraft Pirate NPC
This guy needs much more than armor.

Anonymous wrote:

Sean,

I am a 22 year old guy who has been told that I lack “game”.  Now, I am only 22, and don’t even really know what “game” entails, but I’d imagine that it’s a way with women-and if that is what it is, then yes, I lack it.  I a socially awkward guy who can’t even find ways to talk to women.  If they try talking to me, I blush and freeze.  The only time I had a chance to even be intimate with one, I was shaking so badly, it weirded her out.

How do I find my game?

Anonymous

 

Anonymous,

First of all, I hate the phrase “having game”, because it implies that relationships or interactions between two people are a game (I disagree with that).  I think what you lack is confidence..specifically self-confidence.  Confidence, whether we’re talking about an over-abundance or lack of it, can be a make it or break it factor when dealing with attraction.  With an over-abundance of confidence, you’ll end up looking like douchebag.  If you lack confidence, you look like a socially retarded buffoon (or worse yet..a creeper).

Self-confidence isn’t being cocky or proud, it’s just being okay enough to trust yourself for what you have to offer.  My guess is that you have some skill, personality trait, or characteristic about you that you believe in.  It could be sports related, it could be knowledge related, or it could be your “mad Warcraft skills”, but in any case..it’s yours.

Let’s your skill IS your “mad Warcraft skills”:  A rule in any weapon related fight is that you’re always tougher with armor.  When you’re dealing with someone you’re attracted to, imagine yourself “in armor”…you’re tougher, stronger, and just a little bit more badass.  Now, don’t go out WEARING armor to the next night club you hit up (that’d be the creeper thing I talked about earlier), but rather just imagine yourself armored.  The worst thing that can happen when talking to a woman is that she could say she isn’t interested in you.  No harm, no foul, just go on your way.  Just remember, there is nothing wrong with making connections and networking when you’re out on the town.  Nothing is more pathetic than a guy who goes around the bar hitting on every woman in sight.  Just talk, relax, and have fun.  If and when it DOES come to intimacy, violent quivering can be a definite turnoff, so having a drink may be a good option (if you’re of age), and some conversation beforehand can be a calming technique as well.  Just remember, you’re both people.  She isn’t “spectacular” for wanting some sort of intimacy with you, and you’re not “special” for wanting to be intimate with her.  Spectacular comes during the intimacy, and for that, you’ll need to educate yourself.  Personally, I’d recommend reading up on it.  Having some background knowledge can do wonders for your confidence in that area, trust me.

Now, put on your invisible armor, get out there, and make some connections.

Sean

 

I’m spent.

cut the card
Umm..that was my bus pass...

 

Oscar wrote:

Sean,
I am having a crisis.  My girlfriend and I are engaged to be married within the year and I just recently found out she has been hiding debt from me.  I didn’t snoop, she was doing some bill paying and had left the on the table.  At a quick glance, I saw that she had over $10000 in debt, but there could be more than that.

Here is the problem, she has made some mistakes as we all have, and had said she was paying them all off.  The last time we discussed it, she said it was almost paid off.  She appears to have hidden the truth from me on that too.

I confronted her about it, nicely, and she got upset.  She became SO defensive, she even questioned whether or not she wanted to marry any longer.  Rather than come to me with the truth, she chose to push away me, someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  We made up but I still know she is in need of some help. She continues to shop and go out to eat and I know she can’t afford it.  Money management is my forte and I am more than willing to help, but if I bring it up again, I fear I may lose her.  What should I do?

Oscar

Oscar,
Money issues aren’t fun.  In fact, money issues are the number one cause of relationship failure.  I think it’s great you’d like to help her, but unfortunately she appears to not want your assistance.  It may be pride, it may be fear, or it may be stubbornness that is keeping her from tackling this issue together with you, but whatever it is, she is ferocisouly defending her privacy at this point. 

Personally, I think money issues are scary.  They scare me more than any other aspect of a relationship.  Now, that may be because I am a planner, and I have taught myself over the past few years some serious financial responsibility, but it’s also scary because it can lead to some nasty disagreements.  I am all for the idea that one person in the relationship manages finances, but it doesn’t always work that way.  In a marriage though, the credit burdens are immense, and you’ll tackle them together whether you like it or not.  As her husband, you’ll assume every bit of her responsibility in paying those debts and making sure everything runs smoothly, so it’s now just a matter of letting her see that.  Creditors won’t just go after her if things get bad, they’ll go after you. 

I won’t tell you how to talk to her about it because I don’t know her personality, but I know you have a hard road ahead.  Hopefully she sees the error of her ways and is willing to realize that marriage is a team effort in every aspect.  Maybe it’s shopping less, maybe it’s not going out, maybe it’s letting you manage the bills while still allowing her to have some fun money. You’ve got to be patient and realize that she may be having just as hard of a time tackling this alone as you are watching her do it.  It’s hard to come to someone and admit that there may be a problem.  Be there for her and hopefully things work for the best.

Sean

Relation ship

Vector image of two human figures with hands i...
Together or apart?

Padma wrote:

Sean-

I have been dating a guy for about six years and we’ve had our fair share of struggles.  He moved out for a few months while we worked on things and now that he’s back, I don’t know what to do.  Here is more info on our relationship:

“John” and I have known each other since college and got together about 6 years ago.  Things started off well (we were both from IL and both coincidentally living in CA at the time), love was passionate, and he was faithful.  After we got engaged and moved back to IL about a year ago, he cheated on me and we split up for a few months.  It was rough, but I wanted to figure things out.  I didn’t figure things out though, instead I partied and went out with my friends to see if I could live without him, and all the while I was talking to him three nights a week and trying to figure things out.

We finally got things in order and he moved back in, but we seem different.  He wants to go out all of the time and party, I want to go out and party, and we don’t really mix our friends so we spend out nights either together, or alone with our respective friends.  What once was a passionate and loving relationship seems strained and tense.  We seem to have two different lives rather than one life together.  I don’t even know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I can’t let him go.  What do I do?

Padma

Padma,

A relationship is a combining of two worlds.  If you and John are constantly in your own worlds, that isn’t a relationship, that is barely even a friendship.  Adding intimacy into the mix makes things even harder.  Frankly, I never understood the relationships where people say they are “in a relationship” but rarely ever see each other because they’re always out with “the girls” or out with “the guys”.  That isn’t a relationship…a relationship is building a bond with someone whom will hopefully eventually be your best friend and lifelong partner.  The most important person in a relationship is the person you’re in the relationship with, not your friends.  You can have your nights out, but if your nights away are always outnumbering your nights together, you should examine your relationship a little more closely.  You failed to mention how old you are, but sooner or later we all need to grow up and realize that it’s not about the party, it’s about the life outside of the party that counts.

You also mentioned you don’t know if you want to be with him for the rest of your life.  If you’re settling for a “good for right now” type of person, you probably shouldn’t be dating.  Also..he cheated, but have you forgiven him?  Has he expressed remorse?  Don’t hold it over his head forever.  If you feel strongly enough to let him back into your home, maybe it’s time to let him back into your heart.  If not, then it’s time to move on.

Sean