Never Alone

ForeverAlone wrote:

Minnesodad,
I am new to your site but I am hoping you can help.  I think I am cursed to be forever alone.  I am 19, almost 20, and I have only had two serious relationships, but I have been unlucky and single for a year now.  No one wants to be with me.  Am I going to just have a string of one night stands for my entire life?

ForeverAlone

ForeverAlone,

Welcome to my site.  You should know I keep it honest around here.  That said, you’re young and quite naïve if you think you should find “the one” by 19.

First, it is healthy to be alone once in awhile.  You should NEVER jump from one relationship to another.  Doing so just increases the chance of failure because you haven’t given yourself time to grow emotionally from the last one.

Secondly, if you’re just sleeping with people and hoping it gets serious, you’re flat out an idiot and no one wants to date the woman that just sleeps with every guy she meets. Build the relationship before intimacy and you will have a firmer foundation.  It seems like the younger generation today is quick to physical and rushing to love, then surprised when things go wrong.  Don’t rush things.  A relationship is like a nice rack of ribs…the good ones take time as well as the right ingredients.

Relax.  Enjoy being alone.  Work on yourself. If you hit 33 and you haven’t had a serious relationship, email me and I will apologize for bad advice.  I am guessing you will find the right guy before that.

Sean

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Grass is greener in friend’s pasture..

Celicia wrote:

Sean,

Help!  My best friend “Alice” is absolutely gorgeous and it draws all of the attention away from me when we go out!  I am not exaggerating.. My friend is 5’9″, 160lbs and a damn D cup.  A. DAMN. D. CUP!!

I am 5’7, 183lbs, and an A cup.  My hair is mousey, and I can’t ever seem to be fashionable.  Some of my friends try to be polite, and give me compliments when we go out, but the men always show interest in “Alice”.

How do I get more attention?  Do I talk to my friend, and if so, how do I tell her she is too gorgeous.

Cecilia

Cecilia,
Confidence goes a long way.  If you’re Debbie Downer with me, I can only imagine how extreme it is with your non-Alice friends when Alice is around. 

Your boobs aren’t big and you have a little more curve in your streets, but there are guys out there that are into that.  What will drive them away is when you’re obsessing and whining about how you look if you’re out with Alice. 

If she isn’t actively stealing guys away from you, forget the ones that go for her and look for some others while she is busy chatting.  Be confident, be conversational, and be yourself.  There are a ton of guys that look for those qualities first.  The guys that go for looks first aren’t guys you want to end up with.

Sean

Life sitting on the pot

Not IN the pot...wait, who put that on the stove?
Not IN the pot…wait, who put that on the stove?

Sean,

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now and, while I want marriage, we have never discussed it at length.  Then, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly whisked me away for a surprise vacation in Florida.  It was a wonderful long-weekend trip and we had an especially fancy dinner during which, my boyfriend was sweating profusely and was extremely nervous (not like him to do either one of those).  That was it though, and the next day we came home.  He has been normal since then and my friends have been saying that his trip may been to ask me to marry him, but he didn’t ask me, so I am wondering if he got cold feet.  What do you think?  Should I ask him?  Should I wait? Should I just give up?

Alyson

Alyson,

Poop or get off the pot is my motto.  If you have been dating for three years, I would say it is long enough to know whether or not you want to marry someone.  This trip may have been your boyfriend’s chance and he may have been prepared to ask you….or not…there is really no way to tell unless he confided in a close friend (or is willing to tell you himself).

Give it a little more time.  Perhaps he had a big ordeal planned out and you let it slip on the vacation that you don’t like things like that, or maybe he had something small planned and got a hint you may want something bigger so he made a split second decision to wait.  If you ask him now, it may ruin something.  If you wait a few weeks and maybe ask a few trusted friends you two share (not just your friends), you may get the answer you were looking for.  If nothing happens, then gently ask him after a few weeks.

Three years is a long time to date someone without talking about marriage, especially since you’re obviously thinking about it.  I know some people may disagree, but having been in several long term relationships that dead ended, I feel if the topic of marriage isn’t AT LEAST lightly discussed after year one and in-depth before year two, you may be heading toward a dead end or you may be on different pages.  Marriage is a big deal, and a conversation can make the difference in how it works for the long run.

Hopefully your boyfriend just has come cold feet…time will tell.

Sean

I’d hit it.

Maylene wrote:

Sean,
I have been dating a guy that is making me question men in general so I thought I’d send my first email and see what you think.

This guy makes comments about other women like, “I’d hit it” (walking by someone once), “MmmMmmm” (when he saw a woman a wedding I took him to), and “you’d look good with a body like that” (which led to my email).  I took it quietly for the first two, but the last one reduced me to tears.  I confronted him and he said all guys do things like this.  Do they?  I have seen guys check women out, but do they make comments?

Maylene

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Maylene,
Not all guys make comments.  In fact, I’d say any guy that makes comments like that toward the woman they are dating deserves a butt kicking by his significant other.  Some guys may say, “well I have to be honest”…to those guys, read below.  Maylene, you need to confront this guy and let him know you won’t allow him to talk to you this way.  Explain how it makes you feel and tell him to stop.  If he can’t, it is time to leave.

To the guys,
Imagine if the woman you loved suddenly said to you, “you’re a distant third compared to the last two guys I dated”.  It would make you inadequate and it would suck…so why would you make someone you’re with feel that way?  Knock it off.

Sean

No excuses for breaking up.

-M Wrote,
Sean,
I’m reeling here and I don’t know what to do.  I was in a serious relationship that went wrong.  I basically found out he’d been cheating on me for quite some time and lying to my face about it. He and I split up, he tried and tried to get me back, and I finally got a restraining order against him last fall.  The day I got the restraining order, he texted me and said he was moving to Florida and that he wouldn’t contact me again.  It’s been almost a year and there has been no contact, but the PROBLEM is that I can’t seem to shake the bad relationship.  I have this “Liars Suck” mentality and it’s all I think about.  I try to have fun and get over it, but whenever I have some downtime, the bad relationship sinks back in and I start thinking about how things fell apart.  It’s not even necessarily him I think about either-just the failure of the relationship.  I want to find someone new, but how do I do that when the old relationship is still on my mind?
-M
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-M,
If you constantly fall while rock climbing, there comes a point when you have to wonder why you keep hanging on to the fact that you fell.
We all get hurt.  I think I, and everyone of us know that in the pursuit of love, we are bound to get hurt at some point or another.  The best advice I have to you is to be hurt, then move on and learn from it.  Don’t dwell on the pain and the past, just let things go and move on.  It sounds like here, you’re hanging on to what went wrong and messing things up for you and your future.  You’ve got to let go and move past it to truly show yourself it’s over.  Hanging on to things is still letting your ex and your failed relationship have an effect on you, and if it was bad enough to get a restraining order, you shouldn’t be letting it effect you this far after the end.  By doing so, you’ve proven that he still has a hook in you and that means there is a possibility for him to work his way back into your life.  You may think that’s crazy, but by thinking about the relationship, you’ve already proven it to be true.
So what if you were deceived/cheated on/heartbroken?  Does that affect who you are or what you want from life?  It shouldn’t.  One mistake in a lifetime of memories isn’t something to think about for very long.  Let it go.
So what if you thought he/she was the one?  Does that mean there isn’t a soul on Earth that would still bring you happiness? Definitely not!  You’ll likely have no problem finding someone new, especially once you drop your baggage of what went wrong with the last relationship.
How do you move past it?  Delete it from your life.  Toss pictures (or delete them), delete phone numbers and email addresses, stop hanging out in circles that he may have a chance to be a part of, and stop thinking about it.  Get a gym membership and if you find yourself thinking of the relationship, go work out until you don’t think of it anymore.  See a therapist and find ways to move on.  You’re better off without him and you need to prove that to yourself, so stop trying to prove it to the rest of the world until you get help.  Stop wasting time on the wasted past.  You’re better than that.
Sean

Digging a Sociopath

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Linda wrote:

Hello,

I dated a guy for 2 years and we just recently split after I realized he had been cheating on me almost every weekend for the entire time we dated (he said he was at the gym but he never got in shape, so I investigated). I’d say (and many of his and my friends would say) that I am better looking than him, but he is charming/sexy/has piercing eyes, is a liar (even about little things) and feels no guilt, likes risky behaviors like gambling and wild drunk nights out, is overly power hungry, and thinks being a dick to people makes him get better treatment.  All in all, we fell in love within a few weeks of dating, moved in together a few months later and we spent every day together almost for 2 years-we were in love, or so I thought.  He seemed to do everything for me until I found out he was cheating on me and we broke up. He blew up when I accused him of cheating and gave me lie after lie until I presented him with the details of my investigating.  He stopped talking, grabbed a bag of clothes and left.  He’s written me several letters since then and always says he “lied about many things to me, but “I love you” was the truth.”

Was I blindly dating a sociopath?  How could I have been so blind?

Linda

Linda,

I did some digging and asked some friends of mine and, from what I’ve learned, yes, you were dating a sociopath.  I looked for “telltale” signs of a sociopath and here’s what 20 sites (and my friends, who’ve dated one at some point) all said:

1. Charisma and charm. He’s a smooth talker, always has an answer, never misses a beat. He can play any role is social situations.

2. Enormous ego. He acts like the smartest, richest or most successful person in the room. He may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute he loves you, the next minute he hates you. He’s got an extremely short fuse.

5. Blames others. He always has an excuse. Someone else is always the cause of his problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague or details don’t match and he gets angry when you dig for details.

7. Intense eye contact. He uses his eyes to his advantage.

8. Fast moving. Within weeks, he quickly proclaims that you’re his true love and soul mate. He wants to move in together within a month or two.

9. Pity play. He appeals to your sympathy. He wants you to feel sorry for his abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.  Feel sorry for him and you’ll be used as a shield time and time again.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, it may be the excess testosterone that sociopaths possess.

Since your email details matched 5-7 of these points above, I’d say yes…you dated a sociopath.  As far as you being blinded by it, I’d imagine it is easy miss at times, depending on the situation.

A sociopath knows the difference between right and wrong and they understand that actions have consequences but the problem is, they don’t care, nor do they feel guilt. They have no inner moral-compass to guide them.  Sociopaths don’t feel regular emotion.  They feel anger, rage, and envy, which can lead to aggression, but the remaining emotion is shallow at best. They cannot show empathy and cannot connect with others (feeling true love).  Sociopaths may “collect” things like it’s a contest (electronics, toys, prizes, relationships, etc.,) because they feel accomplishment when they feel they’re “winning”.  Sociopaths see nothing wrong with using people and then throwing them away because they are okay with lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating people who they’ve deemed “weaker” than they are. Even they may, at times, pretend to have low self-esteem or insecurities, they do not actually feel that way…they’re using those attributes to manipulate others. Their egotistical behavior and arrogance makes in extremely for a sociopath to benefit from therapy and almost impossible to change. I know, by this definition Charlie Sheen is a sociopath, and that may or may not be true.

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…Or it may be true.

In any case, you weren’t necessarily blinded..you were more than likely looking at a person that was disguised as someone completely different.  You liked the disguise, not the real person.

Sean

Game, or lack thereof.

World of Warcraft Pirate NPC
This guy needs much more than armor.

Anonymous wrote:

Sean,

I am a 22 year old guy who has been told that I lack “game”.  Now, I am only 22, and don’t even really know what “game” entails, but I’d imagine that it’s a way with women-and if that is what it is, then yes, I lack it.  I a socially awkward guy who can’t even find ways to talk to women.  If they try talking to me, I blush and freeze.  The only time I had a chance to even be intimate with one, I was shaking so badly, it weirded her out.

How do I find my game?

Anonymous

 

Anonymous,

First of all, I hate the phrase “having game”, because it implies that relationships or interactions between two people are a game (I disagree with that).  I think what you lack is confidence..specifically self-confidence.  Confidence, whether we’re talking about an over-abundance or lack of it, can be a make it or break it factor when dealing with attraction.  With an over-abundance of confidence, you’ll end up looking like douchebag.  If you lack confidence, you look like a socially retarded buffoon (or worse yet..a creeper).

Self-confidence isn’t being cocky or proud, it’s just being okay enough to trust yourself for what you have to offer.  My guess is that you have some skill, personality trait, or characteristic about you that you believe in.  It could be sports related, it could be knowledge related, or it could be your “mad Warcraft skills”, but in any case..it’s yours.

Let’s your skill IS your “mad Warcraft skills”:  A rule in any weapon related fight is that you’re always tougher with armor.  When you’re dealing with someone you’re attracted to, imagine yourself “in armor”…you’re tougher, stronger, and just a little bit more badass.  Now, don’t go out WEARING armor to the next night club you hit up (that’d be the creeper thing I talked about earlier), but rather just imagine yourself armored.  The worst thing that can happen when talking to a woman is that she could say she isn’t interested in you.  No harm, no foul, just go on your way.  Just remember, there is nothing wrong with making connections and networking when you’re out on the town.  Nothing is more pathetic than a guy who goes around the bar hitting on every woman in sight.  Just talk, relax, and have fun.  If and when it DOES come to intimacy, violent quivering can be a definite turnoff, so having a drink may be a good option (if you’re of age), and some conversation beforehand can be a calming technique as well.  Just remember, you’re both people.  She isn’t “spectacular” for wanting some sort of intimacy with you, and you’re not “special” for wanting to be intimate with her.  Spectacular comes during the intimacy, and for that, you’ll need to educate yourself.  Personally, I’d recommend reading up on it.  Having some background knowledge can do wonders for your confidence in that area, trust me.

Now, put on your invisible armor, get out there, and make some connections.

Sean